Reasonable Divorce Arrangement?

weddingringman

Firstly, the irony of my username is not lost on me…

My wife and I are separating after 15 years of marriage, though we have a 7 year old child. We wanted my wife to keep our jointly owned home as she will be the primary carer of our son, however she cannot get close to the required remortgage level that would have given me the provisionally agreed 35-40% of the properties equity. (Cash I need to buy a new home of my own). 

As we have circa 195k of equity in our 300k home, I’m saying ‘sell the house so we can both afford to buy new houses and move on’.

My wife has a good enough part-time income, which coupled with the equity from the sale of our home, would buy another nice, but slightly smaller/cheaper house in our town. Big enough for her and our child. (Circa 200-225k purchase price).

She is however saying no to this; that it will ‘disrupt our son’ and that she will not get something ‘as nice’ as the place we currently own. She’s talking about going back to her solicitor who indicated she may be able to stay, even if she can’t get the mortgage. Mesher?!

Would a family court not agree that the our good level of equity and good jobs mean the sale of the home is the only fair solution? That the ‘convenience’ of the child ultimately staying there would be to the detriment of their time with their other parent?

I just want to buy a modest place for the nights/weeks that I have my son. I can’t do that if I’m renting as it’s extortionate and I wouldn’t be able to built another deposit whilst paying child maintenance. 

elsien

The chances of a Mesher Order being granted are more remote if she has the means to buy somewhere else. If it goes to court then the court will look at both of your needs. And that is needs, not wants. 

It is a fact of divorce that the combined income of two people now has to support two places to live instead of just one. That does tend to mean for all but the very richthat things have to change and both parties may end up living somewhere there is not as good as where they are now, and standards of living will change. 

Cressida100

Is there any reason your wife cannot work full-time? 

weddingringman

Cressida100 said:

Is there any reason your wife cannot work full-time? 

She works while our son is at school, approx 28 hours a week. Her employer said this was the maximum hours they could give, but she may argue to a family court that she could not work more hours anyway due to the school run.

I just keep mulling this over and over in my head. I feel it’s in our son’s best interests that both his parents provide a secure homes. Properties he will ultimately inherit in the future. 

Renting is markedly more expensive. I could buy a nice house for 200k, with a mortgage of £500, whereas renting something similar would be £800-900. Potentially for 10 or 11 years, which would be a net loss of probably 125-50k! Thats just money my son loses in the long run, and it impacts my ability to retire.

I’m hoping to have my son about a third of the time, and in all honestly I hope in the future he wishes to have me as the primary carer. 

Hoenir

What has your solicitor advised?  What you consider reasonable may not unfortunately align with how events may unfold. 

weddingringman

My solicitor is saying ‘no, you push to sell the house, it can be sold in 6 months even if she drags her heels, and you split the money and move on’…

While this sounds the best solution for all to me, I fear my wife’s solicitor will be saying she can stay put and push for a mesher order etc…

elsien

They probably are. So you come to a compromise or the court decides. And stay in the house until that decision is made. 

Personally, and without having the full story, I don’t consider that you are being unreasonable. Your wife simply can’t expect everything to stay the same for her while you get a much worse deal. 

MEM62

weddingringman said:

She is however saying no to this; that it will ‘disrupt our son’ and that she will not get something ‘as nice’ as the place we currently own. She’s talking about going back to her solicitor who indicated she may be able to stay, even if she can’t get the mortgage. Mesher?!

Wife needs to understand that you are ending your marriage.  Life, including living arrangements, cannot be expected to remain the same - particularly to your detriment.  It is also really important for someone to explain to her that, if she fights this, it will cost multiple £1,000's in legal fees.  You will both be much poorer as a result of the process.  Her solicitor will not advise her accordingly as it is not in their interests to do so.  Maybe there is a family member or friend that can persuade her to see sense and the reality of her situation.  

weddingringman

She feels I am being unreasonable by saying “either buy me out (at an already reduced rate), or sell and we split at the same proportion’.

She keeps saying ‘for the sake of our child’ I should let her stay for a period. Sometimes saying 6-12 months, other times she’s floating 4 or 5 years. 

She says I should make this work and accept I may have to rent for a period but it would put me in limbo and I already have issues with my mental health. 

The only thing that has sustained me these last few months is the thought of buying and settling into a new home for when my son visits. 

thegreenone

Okay, deep breath.  Your child is 7 and adaptable and so long as they remain in the same area, he attends the same school and travel to/from school and wife's work are not unduly compromised, it should be doable.

My parents divorced when I was 6 and my Mum dug her heels in and kept the house but got nothing else.  It was lovely big three bed detached with a huge garden.  But money was so tight, I do not know how Mum kept it together.  I realised once I was a adult that we could've moved just a few roads away to a smaller house and money in the bank so Mum didn't have to worry.  I loved her deeply but think she was a bit of a snob!  

TBH, it's a huge upheaval for everyone.  House moving and Divorce are up there for the most distressing events.  Moving now for your child is probably the best time as once he gets to secondary school, he will be firmly settled with Main Carer and other parent lives "on the other side of town".  

I do hope you can come to a successful agreement.

RAS

Six to 12 months is quite reasonable. By the time you've divorced, sorted out the financial settlement and are ready to put the house on the market it'll be 9-24 months anyway. So if you don't want to live in the house you might wise to find a house share or lodging for a year?

Have you suggested mediation, as that neutral person can put forward information that your ex might find difficult. Do either have any sort of pension, as that needs valuing and doesn't seem to be quick.