Financial compatibility with partner

bellaluna96

Hello all, would appreciate some advice on my current situation.

Me (29 f) and my partner (29 f) moved in to my rented house in September 2024. We agreed that all bills would continue to come out of my account but she would transfer me a monthly payment to cover her share.

I am currently working full time and have been living alone for 2 years prior to my partner moving in. I have been used to covering all costs independently however since she has moved in there has been increase in bills like council tax, gas and electric, water bill and food shopping.

My partner has recently graduated university and hasn’t been able to find a job related to her degree. She is currently working in security, mainly agency work on a 0 hour contract. When work is available she will pick up shifts but recently shifts have not always been there to pick up. This has meant she hasn’t been able to fully cover her share of bills over the past 2 months and often times I don’t know when or what money I am going to receive because of inconsistency of her shifts. It has also meant an added pressure for me as I am contributing more to groceries, things for the house ect, I’m now also budgeting with the view that I may not receive rent/bill money from her just in case.

Finances has been a topic that has caused tensions between us. Prior to us living together she has been honest about debts from her past. I worry about our future financially, she hasn’t been able to save, she is unable to reliably pay towards any social events for us/holidays ect since leaving university. I am more than happy to pay for us both but am unable to do this all the time.

I want to be a supportive partner but I am worried that financially we are on different wave lengths and worry how this will impact our future. She is a kind, hardworking individual who isn’t spending her money on herself or wasting her income it is purely around availability/inconsistency of shifts.

Sorry for the long ramble but any advice would be really appreciated. 

silvercar

The time between finishing university and starting on your ‘proper’ career is financially difficult. Hence why a lot of students return to their parents’ home at this stage in their life.

I think that inviting her to move in at this stage is difficult if you have an immediate expectation that she would be able to cover all her share of the bills.  If she is not wasting money and actively looking for work, you should cut some slack. After all, she could be earning far more than you depending on career choices in the future.

Far more important is the outlook you both have on future spending and saving etc. This is just a life stage I feel. 

The optics don’t look good if you want to send her away until she earns enough to pay her way and then take her back.

Brie

It's always a difficult one as you rarely find 2 people with the exact same financial priorities or ability to contribute.  

Have the 2 of you sat down and done a budget for yourselves?  Does she understand the pressure this is putting on you?  Does she still have the debts from previously?

I know for instance that I am a very pragmatic person and that I'm good with numbers, having worked in finance of some sort most of my life.  My OH however is not great even at relatively basic maths - he can add and do the basics but ask him a percentage of something and he doesn't know.  We go on holiday and I tell him something really simple about the exchange rates so he can see if something is actually cheap or expensive.  If there's 11 euros to £10 I just say they are even and should just forget about the exchange rate.  The fortunate thing is that after 30+ years together he eventually realised that I should be in charge of the money and he asks about spending anything beyond basic groceries. 

He's very anxious about money because I've ended up being the main earner but this anxiety means he does ask, and while he doesn't want to know details he wants to be reassured that everything is ok.  There've been many times I'd mention something minor (gas prices going up) or major (being made redundant) and he'd panic and think we're going to lose our house.  So I've learned how to communicate about things to him and I think that's what your partner needs to do for you.  Give you plenty of warning about the shifts etc so you both have time to adjust your spending until a better paycheque comes along.  

If she does still have debts then I would suggest that she should talk to one of the main debt advice agencies to see how best to handle them.  StepChange, NationalDebtline, Community Money Advice, CAP.  All charities so no fees.

bellaluna96

silvercar said:

The time between finishing university and starting on your ‘proper’ career is financially difficult. Hence why a lot of students return to their parents’ home at this stage in their life.

I think that inviting her to move in at this stage is difficult if you have an immediate expectation that she would be able to cover all her share of the bills.  If she is not wasting money and actively looking for work, you should cut some slack. After all, she could be earning far more than you depending on career choices in the future.

Far more important is the outlook you both have on future spending and saving etc. This is just a life stage I feel. 

The optics don’t look good if you want to send her away until she earns enough to pay her way and then take her back.

Thankyou for your advice, I feel like that’s given me another perspective to think about. Prior to her moving in it was an honest discussion we had, I did ask if financially she would be able to contribute her share to which she reassured me she would and would have options with security work. I think her view was finding a career in her field wouldn’t be a significant issue however as you mentioned it’s not been as straightforward as anticipated and that comes with its own financial worries. I’ll definitely take your advice on board, Thankyou again. 

bellaluna96

Brie said:

It's always a difficult one as you rarely find 2 people with the exact same financial priorities or ability to contribute.  

Have the 2 of you sat down and done a budget for yourselves?  Does she understand the pressure this is putting on you?  Does she still have the debts from previously?

I know for instance that I am a very pragmatic person and that I'm good with numbers, having worked in finance of some sort most of my life.  My OH however is not great even at relatively basic maths - he can add and do the basics but ask him a percentage of something and he doesn't know.  We go on holiday and I tell him something really simple about the exchange rates so he can see if something is actually cheap or expensive.  If there's 11 euros to £10 I just say they are even and should just forget about the exchange rate.  The fortunate thing is that after 30+ years together he eventually realised that I should be in charge of the money and he asks about spending anything beyond basic groceries. 

He's very anxious about money because I've ended up being the main earner but this anxiety means he does ask, and while he doesn't want to know details he wants to be reassured that everything is ok.  There've been many times I'd mention something minor (gas prices going up) or major (being made redundant) and he'd panic and think we're going to lose our house.  So I've learned how to communicate about things to him and I think that's what your partner needs to do for you.  Give you plenty of warning about the shifts etc so you both have time to adjust your spending until a better paycheque comes along.  

If she does still have debts then I would suggest that she should talk to one of the main debt advice agencies to see how best to handle them.  StepChange, NationalDebtline, Community Money Advice, CAP.  All charities so no fees.

Hi, Thankyou for commenting. We’ve had numerous discussions about finances throughout our relationship some of which have been quite difficult . After our first date she openly told me that she has debts from her past and made me aware that in the short term she would be unable to pay for social things due to this. Which I really did appreciate at the time, and was happy to help out where I could- and since we have been able to experience some great trips away with us equally contributing. During her time at university she did get loan payments so that on top of her working part time meant a somewhat consistent income.

I’ve been honest about the pressure I feel I’m under. As ultimately my name is to all bills/rent so if she is unable to pay her share I am responsible in ensuring this is all covered as well as ensuring I have excess money for groceries if she is unable to pay her share to this. 

I absolutely agree in relation to your comments around communication and honesty. I think a part of the challenge with this is the level of embarrassment she feels in not being able to pay her share not only to bills but towards social things. I’ve urged her to be honest around her income and if she anticipates that she will not be able to cover her share to tell me- this at times is hard as shifts may appear at the last minute so is difficult to predict what money is coming in. I am also learning to not shy away from talking about this and asking her when she is able to transfer me money/if she anticipates any worries about income ect. 

In terms of her debts I am not sure what these amount to in total but I know that she has payment plans for past credit card/debts which she has set up. We have never combined our finances/shared a bank account and I think for the near future we will continue to have seperate finances going forward.

Ill be sure to share those resources with her, 

Thankyou for your comments and your advice. 

 

FlorayG

If she's your long term partner than you need to help as much as you can. I would be asking that she gives you a decided percentage of her monthly income; that way she's doing the best she can and you get more money in the months she gets more work.
It's really hard to leave university and not be able to get a job. I have an admin job in retail with a large company and we have hundreds of graduates working as sales colleagues in our stores. Maybe encourage her to get a regular job rather than agency, it doesn't matter if it's minimum wage, her contributions will be regular and she only needs a month's notice if/when she gets a job in her chosen field

onomatopoeia99

It is a good sign that you have been able to have open conversations about this, money can be really difficult to talk about in relationships (and was part of the spectacular failure of one of mine).

To be honest, your partner may need to think about looking elsewhere for more regular work until she can find something in her field, just to keep her head above water financially and give a more stable income. As an example, a colleague's 18yo (1st year undergrad) got four weeks of shifts 6-12 each evening in the warehouse of a supermarket in the leadup to Christmas to supplement their uni student loan, which also came with free random food at the end of each shift.  They've also been offered an evening a week permanent now the Christmas contract is over. 

Knowing there's regular work and therefore regular money really, really helps in my experience, not just with the practicalities of living but with mental wellbeing, which the stress of hoping for shifts on a zero hours contract doesn't.  Those work great for some people if it's a good fit with their lifestyle and needs, but are definitely not for everyone.

edit : p.s. Living alone I totally understand the pressure of being the only person paying the bills.  It's never easy knowing it's only you keeping the baliffs from the door (though I've now paid off my mortgage so no longer have that particular worry).