Why do I purposely emotionally torment myself over my past?

throwaway12222

I had a real tough upbringing as a child, I was bullied at school, bullied at my first job, bullied in my next one too and I've been homeless. All this happened many years ago in my late teens and I'm now well into my 30s but I still find myself purposely emotionally tormenting myself. 

But the weirdest thing is it's like I enjoy doing it to myself... Let me explain. 

So sometimes, about once every 6 months or so I'll sit at my computer, open up google maps and revisit all the traumatic places in my life. Anywhere I have a negative memory I'll go to that place and drop the little man down on google maps so it's in street view and I'll look at the house I grew up in, the school I was bullied at, the location I nearly ended my life etc, any negative place and I'll just sit there reminiscing about what life was life and how awful it was.

When I was homeless for a few years it was the worst thing ever, I was cold, damp, hungry, hopeless, nowhere to go and nobody to help me. I'll find the spots I slept rough at on google maps and purposely try to conjure up the feelings of how I felt. In the moment it creates a lot of trauma for me and makes me very emotional where I'll often cry. I'll do this for hours sometimes.

But after I'm done and close down the site, I get some kind of immense pleasure from the fact that I'm no longer in that position anymore and my life is amazing now (relatively speaking). I have savings, a job, a car, a home etc but it's like I never ever want to forget what my life used to be like.

People sometimes tell me I need to move on, forget and leave the past behind me but I don't want to. I'm terrified of forgetting what my life used to be like, for fear of becoming complacent, taking things for granted and ending up back in that position. I don't ever want to forget, so I feel like I have to trudge up the trauma and memories of those times every so often to kind of "refresh" the emotional distress. 

I've even thought about buying a sleeping bag and literally physically going to the places I slept when I was homeless and willingly choosing to sleep in those spots again because I feel like I'm not traumatising myself enough just using google maps. I feel like I need to actually be damp and cold and hungry sleeping on cardboard again to truly appreciate how my life is better now.

I used to have a psychiatrist but I never spoke about this with her before but I'm currently on the waiting list for a new one so will try and get an answer in due time. 

But for now, what do you guys think is going on with me? Why am I deliberately torturing myself like this? 

[Deleted User]

My heart goes out to you as you are still suffering greatly from past trauma.

I'm rooting for you and hope you get the right help and a  future where you are free to enjoy many blessings.

Perhaps not money saving - but it would be truly priceless.

Chop-D

It sounds like you have had a lot of trauma in your life which you are still processing. I hope your wait to see a professional is not too long and they can help you understand how you are feeling. Well done for getting where you are today. One thing I find helpful for being thankful for where I am now is mindfulness so I thought I would pass that on. 

Baldytyke88

throwaway12222 said:

So sometimes, about once every 6 months or so I'll sit at my computer, open up google maps and revisit all the traumatic places in my life. Anywhere I have a negative memory I'll go to that place and drop the little man down on google maps so it's in street view and I'll look at the house I grew up in, the school I was bullied at, the location I nearly ended my life etc, any negative place and I'll just sit there reminiscing about what life was life and how awful it was.

 

Only you can stop yourself from doing this.

Could you think about the good things about getting out of being homeless, who or what helped you, or was it you yourself who made good choices?

How did you manage to stop getting bullied?

Spendless

Have you looked up PTSD and see if any symptoms align with what youre describing. 

I don't think it's going to be as simple as 'moving on' or being able to stop it yourself. Its possibly going to take professional help and therapy 

gwynlas

I am sorry for the experiences you have had to date and glad that you have overcome thmn for which you can be proud,
The only way I believe you can help yourself stop revisiting the scenes of past trauma is by talking it out with a trained therapist.
Mental health help is out there but is difficult to access , you could start by talking to your GP, contacting MIND or looking into counselling/therapy through BACP.
It sounds as though most of the time you manage fine so hopefully some structured help will assist you in those times that you find hard.

Teapot55

It’s really good that you are continuing to reach out for help, @throwaway12222.
A bit of a ‘safe’ place to research the problem in the first instance might be the NHS website: https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/#P
Another help could be if there was some interest or hobby you could pursue that was enjoyable for you, possibly even productive or creative  - something artistic or musical maybe. 

Like someone said above, definitely rooting for you. 

Brie

I think a lot of us do this in varying degrees.  We google our ex to see what they are doing, check them out on facebook to see if they are happy or suffering.  We look up old employers to see how well their organisation is doing.  I've gotten to the point of thinking maybe I should message XXX and then remind myself how miserable I was and why would I want to reignite something that was dreadful first time around and unlikely to be any better now.  It's a case of "nope, let's not go there!!" and I get up and walk away from the computer for a time.  Some of it is curiosity, some is something else like rubbing salt into an old wound.  

So basically I don't think your are alone in this behaviour but I'm glad you recognise the potential damage and are seeking help.  While you are waiting for something official maybe there's some local group you could join that would allow you to talk about what you are going through.  You don't say if you are a man or a woman but on the assumption you might be male what about looking for a local "men's shed" type group.  There's one local to me that refers to itself as Bores in the Woods where they go out and sit and chat around a campfire.  It's a sharing of ideas and time and a safe place to talk out issues.  

london21

Try therapy.

RAS

Check out Andysmanclub. Possible support while you wait for your appointment.

Rosa_Damascena

It is perfectly possible to appreciate the good things you have in life without revisiting the past. Times have clearly been very difficult in the past, but that is where they belong if you don't wish to ruin the life you have now.