Wife deleted wedding photos from social media

Adamc

My wife of 4 years has deleted our wedding photos from her social media account and most of the pics of us together within the last year. There a couple of us from over a year ago left there. I have an account but seldom use it. Last night I happened to login and look on her profile to see the wedding photos. They weren't there. 

The relationship seems to have lost its spark and we bicker a lot. She claimed to have done it after an argument last week. When I asked how she thought this must look to me and our mutual friends she said she didn't know. When I asked why do it: she replied with "I didn't like the way I looked", "Do you have trust issues?", "We were going through a hard time and I didn't think it would last". She got defensive and offered to show me her phone but I declined. 

We have talked about splitting up multiple times but always decided to try to make things work. She doesn't seem to enjoy intimacy anymore and never initiates it. 

I have suspected that her family may be against the relationship based on them seeming to avoiding me after I wouldn't go on holiday with them.

We have different personalities and interests. She is very materialistic and a spender where as I am more reserved and a saver. I have savings and she doesn't. We both earn the same and contribute the same to bills and mortgage. 

I've always wanted a family and she seemed to want the same initially stating "after marriage", then years later "When we get a bigger house". Now I think that is impossible. 

She says I don't give her enough positive affirmations beyond "you look nice" but I am finding that hard with the problems we are having. She says I criticise too much. For instance "why brush your teeth with the hot water tap?". She left the heated blanket on for 17 hours so I sent her a pic to notify her to avoid it happening again thinking it would come across as less critical than mentioning it. She reacted badly. This must sound pretty pedantic but it's just a couple of examples that cause offence and lead to bickering - I'm not that miserly about the money, it just seems wasteful and careless.

On my birthday I said I didn't want anything and that'd I'd say if I saw something I liked. The day came and she just gave me a card. No cake. I didn't need a present but I thought she might have celebrated slightly. I made so much effort baking and buying thoughtful gifts for her.  

I am in no way perfect. I overthink, worry, work too much, and can be a little stubborn. But I believe that I am loving and fair.  

I am left wondering what this means for us and if I should cut my loses rather than offer to pay for counselling etc. I've come home from work feeling sick and anxious. Not sure I can cope with the feelings. I stand to lose most of the savings I acquired for children and family life if we divorce which is disheartening but the pain I am feeling is much worse. 

I've tried bargaining with myself about how I could request we remove all social media and make more time for each other but that seems so forced and inappropriate. 

My head is just spinning. I don't know if she was actively trying to move on, was unfaithful or planning to be, or if it literally was due to the arguments. 

FlorayG

not wanting to sound harsh but it seems that 'the savings I acquired for children and family life' are worthless anyway if your wife doesn't want to have children
Life is too short to spend it miserable. Would you be happier alone?

Penguin_

I'll be honest it sounds like you both need to sit down & have a very honest & open conversation about what you want.

HeroftheWords

Do you still love her on some level? If so, give marriage counselling a go. My husband and I did during a very, very bad patch a couple of years ago - game changer. Having a non-biased third-party helped us address so many issues and we are now very happy. 

Divorce is expensive and stressful, so why not spend a few hundred quid on relationship therapy and just see.

TripleH

I'd also recommend counselling just for the opportunity to have a structured formal but honest discussion.

It may give you both the indication of where things are going.

At the end of the day, you both need to be honest about what you want from life though. No point you sticking together if one wants children but the other doesn't.

Children are a good way of destroying a marriage as many couples do forget to childproof it. Also if 1 only goes along to please the other one, resentment can build either way.

Exodi

Yes the wedding pictures is obviously a giant warning flag, but not totally suprising given the context, e.g. "We have talked about splitting up multiple times." Likewise her not enjoying intimacy anymore and not initiating it being another expected symptom of a rocky relationship.

I think your focus should be primarily on fixing (or ending) the relationship but your following comment suggests to me you perhaps still don't get it - "I've always wanted a family and she seemed to want the same initially stating "after marriage", then years later "When we get a bigger house". Now I think that is impossible.". You're framing this as if she's changed her mind, or perhaps lied or misled you, whereas the more likely scenario is that she is reluctant to have a child in troubled/uncertain marriage. Having a child in your current situation would be madness.

Adamc said:

She says I don't give her enough positive affirmations beyond "you look nice" but I am finding that hard with the problems we are having. She says I criticise too much. For instance "why brush your teeth with the hot water tap?". She left the heated blanket on for 17 hours so I sent her a pic to notify her to avoid it happening again thinking it would come across as less critical than mentioning it. She reacted badly. This must sound pretty pedantic but it's just a couple of examples that cause offence and lead to bickering - I'm not that miserly about the money, it just seems wasteful and careless.

Please don't think that I'm blaming you or think you're solely responsible, you need two to tango, however you're the one reading! With that said, I found this paragraph quite telling - she's overtly asking for affirmation beyond vacuous compliments like "you look nice", compliments that show you've taken an interest in her.

Likewise she says you criticise too much and you give an example of "why brush your teeth with the hot water tap?". I'm sure you could accept on reflection that this might be falling into pedantic territory, especially where she's already pointed out that you are overly critical (and don't get her genuine compliments). Likewise your too opposite attitudes to money inevitably cause you to constantly nag about her spending, and her feeling she needs to hide it from you.

If you want to fix things, the first thing is listening to her, as she's given you a lot of useful starting points (assuming you want to make it work).

My wife is likewise a spender and I'm the opposite. Instead of nag her into submission, we structure our finances so that we both contribute to joint finances and a big joint savings pot, and then we put a smaller amount into our own personal discretionary spending pots. To that end, she can do whatever she wants with her own discretionary pot. Even if she wants to go out and spend £2k on a handbag, (and as much as I might think that is a waste of money) it would be her decision and nothing to do with me. You shouldn't consider that being a saver is 'right' and being a spender is 'wrong', they're just two different attitudes to money.

Adamc said:

On my birthday I said I didn't want anything and that'd I'd say if I saw something I liked. The day came and she just gave me a card. No cake. I didn't need a present but I thought she might have celebrated slightly. I made so much effort baking and buying thoughtful gifts for her.  

Did you tell her how this made you feel? Not a shouting match, but an honest conversation, perhaps mentioning that it hurt you as it felt like she doesn't care about you. I guess you can't be mad about the present as you said you didn't want anything (better to say 'suprise me' if you don't know what you want), but no cake, or takeaway or bottle of wine is a bit harsh.

That said, I don't know how effectively you communicate. If it's just you two talking over each other, only giving a brief pause between each sentence to give an illusion of listening but in reality just waiting for a chance to interject with what you wanted to say next, then you will need to go back to the start and learn to communicate. Giving the other person an opportunity to talk, genuinely listening, responding to what they said.

But first I guess you need to decide if you want to stay together or not. Life's too short to spend it miserable. In a rocky marriage, everyone always considers themselves the reasonable one, remember that includes you and that your wife will be feeling similar feelings of upset (though hers sounds rooted in a feeling you don't love her anymore).

Jemma01

I'm really sorry I don't mean for this comment to hurt you, but honestly my teeth will divorce you just on this alone

"why brush your teeth with the hot water tap?"

Cold water will trigger my teeth sensitivity.

I'm sure she unintentionally forgot the heated blanket, why would you send her anything over it? You think she meant it? You think sending her dreadful messages will help her remember more? What was the purpose other than associating negativity with messages from you?

Take a moment and look through your phone, how many messages of this nature have you sent the past year, vs nice messages that make her feel loved and valued. (Your problem is bigger than the messages, it is the poor communication, but I'm just giving you a quantifiable way to assess yourself)

I'm not saying she's perfect, I don't know that, all I know is that I can see why she'd be distant.

BungalowBel

I am sorry you and  your wife are so unhappy and if you both want to continue being married I would suggest counselling. I think the fact that she has deleted your wedding photographs is a clear sign that there is a problem, she is not happy.

Word of advice : DON'T do things like send photos of  the electric blanket being left on .  Just turn the blessed thing off!  She wouldn't have done it deliberately and anyone can forget.  If it keeps happening then say something like 'Would you mind checking in the morning to make sure you've turned the blanket off?'  Or turn it off yourself.

Such things are not worth fighting or falling out over (or even mentioning, half the time).