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Single Parent (Living Alone) - Seizures and caring for a Young Child

ian1246
ian1246 Posts: 345 Forumite
Sixth Anniversary 100 Posts Name Dropper
edited 19 October 2024 am31 12:38AM in Marriage, relationships & families
Good Evening All.
                              I was wondering if anyone might have any suggestions, experiences or links to potential support which can be put in-place with regards to how a single parent, diagnosed with non-epileptic attack disorder, can safely care for a young child (3 years old) whilst living alone. I m looking for charities, alarm systems or anything really which might make it possible to off-set the risks posed to the child if the adult suffers an seizure and is incapacitated (Unconscious/ death). 

Its not for myself - myself and (now) ex-wife split when our son was 2 years old, we have always shared care 50/50 with regards to nights spent at each address, drop off's, pickup's, doctor appointments etc.... and have been generally quite amicable and our son has thrived as a result. 

Unfortunately, ex-wife's health over the last couple of months has apparently deteriorated, I've been kept in the dark and only really had a inkling something wasn't right when she asked if there was any way for me to have him more due to medical issues "which should be resolved soon" last month.

Fast forward to last week and I get an upset phone call from ex-wife explaining she's in Hospital and if I could pick our son up from nursery and have him for that night  - I did so and dropped him off at nursery as normal the next day, only to get a 2nd phone call later that day explaining she's been readmitted to Hospital with non-epileptic seizures caused by stress. I kept him for that night as well, and then it's my turn to have him anyway as normal for the next 5 nights.

On Thursday morning I drop our son off to Nursery and Mum picks him up as normal for that night. Unfortunately today (Friday) I received an phone-call in the afternoon advising Mum has collapsed at nursery, unconscious for over 10minutes from the seizures and had to be taken home (she works at our son's nursery).Thankfully our son didn't witness it, but the manager of the nursery has rightly raised it as a significant safeguarding risk if she has such a seizure whilst alone with our son and gently explained to her that it really isn't safe for her to have our son alone currently.

Its only then I learn she's actually been diagnosed with non-epileptic attack disorder and had her driving licence revoked, so this is something which has been going on for a while (which might explain why our son has become a lot more tearful, especially at night, when talking about Mummy). 

Basically though, It means I'm now looking at the likelihood of having our son full-time, with his mum only able to see him/ have him when she has someone with her (In-case she has a seizure), until such a time as the seizures can be reliably brought under control. My distinct impression and understanding is she has a very limited support network to facilitate this.

The Issue is as far as I can see, this type of seizure is caused predominantly by undiagnosed and untreated mental health - such as PTSD. This is something I am convinced Ex-Wife has following a (very) traumatic child-birth (Becomes extremely upset when talking about the birth, unable to look at photo's of our son when he was a new-born and in the days leading up to her sister giving birth, she had a number of full on flash back's/ relived moments, freezing and panic attacks concerning her own child-birth) and unfortunately it is something which in the 2 years after our son's birth, she didn't really accept - she was just reaching out for private counselling when we split up.

I work full-time in the emergency services, so have a fair bit of first hand experience and exposure to PTSD/ mental health and its impact on people and I also unfortunately have a front-row seat to just how utterly overwhelmed and inadequate the NHS Mental Health services are.

I therefore don't hold out any real hope of the underlying causes of the seizures being brought under control any time soon. I want our son to have a positive and strong relationship with his Mum and I know that not-being able to have our son will absolutely be tearing ex-wife apart and probably making a bad situation even worse, with the subsequent impact on likelihood of seizures. I have made it clear I will do everything I can to facilitate contact and provide as much support as I can for the ex-wife so she can maintain a relationship with our son.

Meanwhile, our 3 year old son is no doubt going to miss his Mum and I'm going to really struggle working full-time shift work in the emergency services whilst taking care of our son.

So.... yeah, a all round bad situation.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated, since there's got to be a way single-epileptic parents living alone can safely care for babies and young children!!!


Comments

  • marcia_
    marcia_ Posts: 2,983 Forumite
    Sixth Anniversary 1,000 Posts Photogenic Name Dropper
    edited 19 October 2024 am31 4:54AM
    ian1246 said:
    Good Evening All.
                                  I was wondering if anyone might have any suggestions, experiences or links to potential support which can be put in-place with regards to how a single parent, diagnosed with non-epileptic attack disorder, can safely care for a young child (3 years old) whilst living alone. I m looking for charities, alarm systems or anything really which might make it possible to off-set the risks posed to the child if the adult suffers an seizure and is incapacitated (Unconscious/ death). 

    Its not for myself - myself and (now) ex-wife split when our son was 2 years old, we have always shared care 50/50 with regards to nights spent at each address, drop off's, pickup's, doctor appointments etc.... and have been generally quite amicable and our son has thrived as a result. 

    Unfortunately, ex-wife's health over the last couple of months has apparently deteriorated, I've been kept in the dark and only really had a inkling something wasn't right when she asked if there was any way for me to have him more due to medical issues "which should be resolved soon" last month.

    Fast forward to last week and I get an upset phone call from ex-wife explaining she's in Hospital and if I could pick our son up from nursery and have him for that night  - I did so and dropped him off at nursery as normal the next day, only to get a 2nd phone call later that day explaining she's been readmitted to Hospital with non-epileptic seizures caused by stress. I kept him for that night as well, and then it's my turn to have him anyway as normal for the next 5 nights.

    On Thursday morning I drop our son off to Nursery and Mum picks him up as normal for that night. Unfortunately today (Friday) I received an phone-call in the afternoon advising Mum has collapsed at nursery, unconscious for over 10minutes from the seizures and had to be taken home (she works at our son's nursery).Thankfully our son didn't witness it, but the manager of the nursery has rightly raised it as a significant safeguarding risk if she has such a seizure whilst alone with our son and gently explained to her that it really isn't safe for her to have our son alone currently.

    Its only then I learn she's actually been diagnosed with non-epileptic attack disorder and had her driving licence revoked, so this is something which has been going on for a while (which might explain why our son has become a lot more tearful, especially at night, when talking about Mummy). 

    Basically though, It means I'm now looking at the likelihood of having our son full-time, with his mum only able to see him/ have him when she has someone with her (In-case she has a seizure), until such a time as the seizures can be reliably brought under control. My distinct impression and understanding is she has a very limited support network to facilitate this.

    The Issue is as far as I can see, this type of seizure is caused predominantly by undiagnosed and untreated mental health - such as PTSD. This is something I am convinced Ex-Wife has following a (very) traumatic child-birth (Becomes extremely upset when talking about the birth, unable to look at photo's of our son when he was a new-born and in the days leading up to her sister giving birth, she had a number of full on flash back's/ relived moments, freezing and panic attacks concerning her own child-birth) and unfortunately it is something which in the 2 years after our son's birth, she didn't really accept - she was just reaching out for private counselling when we split up.

    I work full-time in the emergency services, so have a fair bit of first hand experience and exposure to PTSD/ mental health and its impact on people and I also unfortunately have a front-row seat to just how utterly overwhelmed and inadequate the NHS Mental Health services are.

    I therefore don't hold out any real hope of the underlying causes of the seizures being brought under control any time soon. I want our son to have a positive and strong relationship with his Mum and I know that not-being able to have our son will absolutely be tearing ex-wife apart and probably making a bad situation even worse, with the subsequent impact on likelihood of seizures. I have made it clear I will do everything I can to facilitate contact and provide as much support as I can for the ex-wife so she can maintain a relationship with our son.

    Meanwhile, our 3 year old son is no doubt going to miss his Mum and I'm going to really struggle working full-time shift work in the emergency services whilst taking care of our son.

    So.... yeah, a all round bad situation.

    Any advice would be greatly appreciated, since there's got to be a way single-epileptic parents living alone can safely care for babies and young children!!!


     I'm not a single parent but my partner is out of the house 12 hrs a day. I have never caused any damage or risk to my child due to my seizures. 

     My neurologist said the risk to the child is minimal if you take slight adjustments. Sitting on the floor or sofa whilst holding younger children. Paying attention to your body and possible auras and preparing yourself for seizures by sitting, informing the child etc. if the child is old enough explaining what is happening and teach them what to do in an emergency, they can do this from about 3/4, phone numbers of you and 999 next to the phone etc reason why I'm one of the few who still has a landline. informing the nursery that they should call you if she is late to pick up. Extra fees for being late should be waved due to disability. 

     the risks are not as big as you might imagine. 
  • elsien
    elsien Posts: 35,094 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper Photogenic
    Does that not depend whether you get any warning or not though, and how well controlled it is? 
    There is technology that can send an alert That does depend who the alert would go to and what the plan would be if one is raised?

    I agree, though that your son is old enough to learn what to do if she does have a seizure. For example, to stay with her if they are out. And she can definitely mitigate the risks at home.

    So rather than jumping immediately into “she can’t look after him, maybe you/she need to really think about what the risks are and how they can be managed.
    Your wife’s nursery has a duty of care, But this is probably something they have very little knowledge of and have jumped straight in with telling her she can’t look after him alone when that may not be the case. 



    All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.

    Pedant alert - it's could have, not could of.
  • I agree that it probably doesn’t mean your child’s mother is incapable of looking after him alone but measures do need to be put in place and open communication is really important.
    I think an epilepsy charity might be the best place to start. And perhaps you have your son more as a short term solution. It will get easier as he gets a little older and can understand more about how to stay safe when mummy is unwell, and those conversations can definitely start now. Lots of cuddles and reassurance for him too, it must be scary 
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  • Hopefully in time whatever has precipitated this increase in her stress levels can be managed so that the NEAD recedes. As it sounds as though you're going to need to pay for childcare at times could that perhaps be at her house with her sometimes so that she has independent contact but with someone else present?
  • ian1246
    ian1246 Posts: 345 Forumite
    Sixth Anniversary 100 Posts Name Dropper
    Thank you for the advise & kind words. I'm very keen for us to get back to 50/50 as soon as possible. Our 3 year old is still very young ( 3 years 4 months) & has glue ear, so his speech is delayed (more like a 2 & 1/2year olds). This does in turn impact on what he understands & what he can be taught. 

    Think we need to have a careful think & come up with a plan moving forward.
  • They're both lucky to have you, you'll find a way to make it work, I hope things get easier soon
  • p00hsticks
    p00hsticks Posts: 13,962 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper Photogenic
    I'm not sure if it would be suitable in this instance, but my mothers alarm pendant has a fall alert which, although not claimed to be infallible, is supposed to detect if the wearer falls and alert the call centre (who will in turn contact named individuals and / or call the emergency services as they feel appropriate in the same way that they would if the wearer activated the alarm by consciously pressing it)

    Personal Alarms for Seniors - Approved by Which? | TakingCare

    The cost is about £1 a day (after claimed VAT relief due to disability).
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