Money Moral Dilemma: Would I be stealing my brother's inheritance by caring for our mum?

MSE_Kelvin

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

My mum's 85 and needs looking after, and I want her to live with me and my husband. We've agreed that we'll sell our house and she'll sell hers so we can afford one with an annex. She's also going to change her will, so that when she dies my brother can't make us sell the house - instead he'd get half of the rest of her assets. On the one hand, I feel like I'm stealing his inheritance, but on the other, I'm prepared to give up my job to look after our mum... (and I'm mindful that if she went into a home, there'd likely be no money left for either of us anyway).

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elsien

There is no inheritance until your mum passes away.
You also need to consider, although you plan to look after her at home, sometimes things happen which are beyond our control and some people are not safe to stay at home, even with support. A relative’s son looked after her full-time, but she became so violent that  she had to be sectioned and then was not able to return home. 

So whatever plans you put in place around pooling your money, bear that in mind.

And get proper legal advice so that if she does have to go into care,  how the parts of her assets tied up in your house would be realised for her. 

I would suggest that is more important at the moment than what happens after she has gone. None of you have a clue what assets may or may not be left at the point that she dies. 

The bottom line is though that it’s her money to leave as she wishes. If you end up with a whole house and he ends up with nothing, unless he was financially dependent on her there is little he can do to challenge it. Although you might want to think about how in those  circumstances the will could be varied to give him a share if you felt that was the right thing to do. 

 Hope for the best, plan for the worst. 

Brie

You might want to check if you can afford a new place without a mortgage.  If you have a mortgage it's unlikely that mom will be able to be included on the deeds as a bank is unlikely to allow her to be on the mortgage itself.  So mom may need to gift you the proceeds of her current house.  Should she then need to go into care the local authority may investigate if deprivation of assets applies.  And they may put a lien on the house to claim a portion when it is sold.  

FYI - looking after an elderly person is hard work.  Like a child they may need to be washed, fed etc but with the added issue of being adult sized.  We managed up to the point that we needed to repeatedly try to lift MiL off the floor.  We couldn't and that's when she needed to go into a care home as there was no alternative.

FlorayG

Strictly answering the question - it's her money, she can leave it to whoever and however she wants. Whether or not you think it's fair on your brother is immaterial

tacpot12

FlorayG said:

Strictly answering the question - it's her money, she can leave it to whoever and however she wants. Whether or not you think it's fair on your brother is immaterial

The brother may not see it this way - if he thinks that his sister has enabled his mother to do something that disadvantages him, he may be very upset and this could affect their relationship(s) in future. 

mark13

I would discuss it with your brother.  My mother has moved in with my brother, without him needing to movd house.  He just needed to update the downstairs accomodation, and he also has a carer come in to help. The plans were all discussed with the family . 

Archiejuly

If this had been your brothers idea how would you feel. Ive been through it so i do have experience on this. As long as you set out your life is that fair. It’s by you choice you have made this choice. If you truly believe you are doing the right thing then do it. But remember you may loose your brother in the process. He’s part of your family too and if you sat down and put a plan together like maybe re mortgage after your mum has passed or get a loan to give your brother something. Money is obtainable at anytime but family’s once broken will eat you up inside. Hope all goes well what ever you do.. 

SStitanic

I’d hurry up if I were you. 

honestcove

If you agree to fully fund the care home fees up to the value of the gift, then all is fair.

gilesco

Yes, this is stealing an inheritance. I was involved in something similar with my family. Thruth is that in the years running up to your family members death you either will not be aware or not enough aware of how their wishes were to be planned out, and due to dementia or just old age mind fog they won't be in a position to manage it themselves.
Also, there is a propensity for the will to be unmanaged and circumstances to change such that articles in the will are completely worthless despite the will owners original intentions.

I don't know of a way to avoid these type of circumstances, except to have PoA expressly in an actively monitoring and truly fair arbitrtuanual manner.

sstephanie40

This happened to a friend of mine. He lost £200,000. It was a "verbal agreement" between son and mother, to get a place where she could live with him. It lasted a year, then sadly she passed. 

Effectively he was frozen out of the estate.

 My advice is not to do it. It's probably too late to estate plan to avoid depravation of assets, should she need to go into a care or nursing home.

You'd be far better off getting private carers to help her retain her independence. It's a huge task to care for a declining relative. Kudos if you can cope. I couldn't! If that's too costly, then social services may help. 

Now with a lasting family feud it's not a good outcome for my friend. They don't speak anymore.