Partner’s Debt

stressedette

I have been with my partner for 10 years, we have 2 children together (one pre-school and another 6 month old baby). We have separate finances and our home is mortgaged in my name only, though he transfers me a set amount monthly to cover his share of bills, including a portion of mortgage costs. 

I have had my own significant struggles with debt over the last decade, which I have been very open with him about. At one point he suggested a (Scottish) Trust Deed, as “someone he knew had one”. I didn’t go down that route, but did manage to pay down a lot and cleared the remainder through an unexpected inheritance. 

My partner did not ever offer to contribute to paying off my debts, despite a well paying job - though did take on finance for our family car knowing I couldn’t afford it, and also started, seemingly reluctantly, paying for more of the kids nursery. 

I have since realised, now that we are discussing moving home, that he has racked up about £30k of debt, and has never helped me more with mine because he couldn’t financially afford it himself. He is crippled in repayments of various consolidation loans / high interest cards, which he says has been partly to cover some extras for the household while I’ve been skint, but also from while he was furloughed through Covid, etc. 

In addition to this revelation, and only when I asked repeatedly due to a letter I found, he has also confessed that he previously had a Trust Deed himself, which is no longer on his credit report. (Hence the availability of new credit.) 

I don’t want to break up my family, much as I am devastated about what feels like a huge breach of trust. 

I do want to move house, for the sake of our children getting into a decent school. 

He has suggested moving into a new house with a new joint mortgage and joint bank account, pooling everything and sorting out repayments. 

I don’t know what to do. 

I am worried that the fact he has run up this AFTER having already completed a trust deed, is a sign that this is going to be a regular cycle, and a joint mortgage is a very bad idea. I am also worried that he has hidden this from me for a number of years, and was also deceitful about his financial history re: Trust Deed. 

I do not want to ever risk my children’s home. 

I could afford a small house in a good area still in my own name, and we could continue to keep our finances totally separate. It wouldn’t be the size of house we’d need, but neither is our current house - and we could in time look to move again / consider extension etc once his debt is paid off and a bit of trust is rebuilt in terms of a joint mortgage. 

This would mean he could pay down his debts (possibly with some help from me?) or I’m not sure if he could look at another trust deed type arrangement without it impacting me / any property in my name. 

He is currently making all his repayments but has nothing left to live on, hence the debt is going up rather than down. 

I’m also not sure how this would work if we were to ever marry, which we’d planned to do. I feel now that this would be an irresponsible decision in terms of property and liability, and I worry about doing the most sensible thing for my children. 

If you’ve read this far - thank you very much! I’m not quite sure what I’m asking - just some advice really. Has anyone been here?! My head is all over the place. 

elsien

I wouldn’t be doing any joint accounts or pooling anything where he could be spending any of my money given his debt record so far. 

And don’t help him to pay down his debts. He is on a good wage, but if he keeps consolidating and any money you give him is likely to go the same way. You will end up with less money and he will have the same debt or bigger.

I think maybe a starting point you need to sit down the two of you together and work out what bills you’ve got, who is paying what, is there a fairer way of doing it? Because I would be wondering why he can’t live on a good income, and how/why those debts were run up in the first place. He should’ve come clean with you a long time ago. Furlough may be a valid reason, but then if he’d discussed it with you, you could both have looked at ways to cut down; or he might be using that as an excuse for a general overspending pattern. The point is at the moment you just don’t know.

What I would say though is if some of the money he’s paying you is towards the mortgage, he could have acquired a beneficial interest in the property and that’s something you might want to look into to make sure he doesn’t acquire a bigger stake in the future if that might be an issue.

Mark_d

Secretly racking up debts, and risking the family's financial security, is a concern.

I wonder why your partner didn't share his concerns and worries, about his own finances, with you.  I wonder why he lied about the Trust Deed.  Is he being totally open and honest now?  Does he want to commit to a life with you, being totally truthful?

It sounds like a counselling session might be of benefit, to get to the bottom of your partners behaviour, if you are considering having a future together.

By all means continue the relationship but I would get professional advice such that your finances would be protected if you do ever split.

stressedette

@elsien Thanks - I’m sure he will have acquired a beneficial interest in the property. I’m assuming that would only be if we were to split / he were to try to claim that, rather than this being something that creditors may be able to pursue if he were to have debt issues? 

I’m not sure if there is any way to remedy this moving forward - for example if we moved house again, with a new property solely in my name, I’m not sure if drawing up something like a cohabitation agreement would hold any weight. 

I’m really just concerned with ringfencing security of my home for our kids. 

stressedette

@Mark_d I’ve asked him this. 

I think he entered the original Trust Deed was very early in our relationship - certainly before we were living together. Which then made it difficult to be honest about at the time, and this has spiralled. 

He says he hasn’t told me about the other stuff due to male ego / pride, and burying his head in the sand. But that it feels like a weight off now I know. 

I am 99% sure there isn’t any more to it than him overspending month to month and not wanting to say he’s skint - especially knowing I am - but there is a niggle where I am concerned about the amount spent, and the thought has crossed my mind in terms of gambling etc. 

I have spoken with a financial advisor and I am going to ask him to do an SoA from this site, in order to better understand where things are. I think this will benefit him as much as anyone as I think he is in denial due to his salary that he will be able to pay all this off - from first glance, I think he has very little left at the end of the month after all these repayments. 

Sarahspangles

Just pointing out that if you did apply jointly for a new mortgage, all of this history of his would have to be shared with the bank or building society. If you apply on your own, you need to understand his position in exactly the same way if you’re reliant on him contributing to the mortgage.

born_again

TBH, with that amount of debt that they have. Odds on a JT Mortgage would be very slim @ best & nil at worst.

fatbelly

It's not clear whether he has any defaults on his credit file, or any other negative marks now that the trust deed has dropped off. But there is a strong possibility that he is heading that way again and so now would be a bad time to link your files by any joint financial product

Your understanding of BI is correct. It would have to be argued by solicitors. It is not a given. It is not a hard and fast science.

It certainly wouldn't stop him looking at an insolvency solution.

stressedette

@Sarahspangles Yes, I think that’s what’s drawn the conversation to be honest, as we were looking at moving and I was prodding him about various info required for a DiP. If I were to take on a mortgage solely in my own name I would need to prove sole affordability anyway, but yes, regardless in the interests of transparency I want to know the whole story. 

@born_again I did look into a joint mortgage with all the debt info - briefly! - just to see if there was any benefit to considering it. But I’m not sure there’s any benefit to me specifically. Due to his debt, the total borrowing available to us is not far off what I could borrow on my own, and I’m assuming that it would be a lot of interrogation / hoops to jump through declaring all of this in a detailed application, where a sole application might be easier. Though I imagine he’d prefer it to be in joint names for obvious reasons.

@fatbelly He’s assured me he’s making all the payments. I think he’s in the tough position of high(ish) income but high repayments, so he can afford everything but with almost nothing left to live on. I’ll need to go through an SoA with him. 

I guess the question re: insolvency is a good one - I wonder about the impacts of that on our family situation, if I can afford the house myself for the next wee while, and whether that might be better than trying to muddle through with all these minimum payments with high interest for the next decade. 

Sarahspangles

When you originally bought the property, were your joint finances considered at that point? I think his contribution to the household is going to be asked about.

stressedette

@Sarahspangles No, because the property we live in at present is just in my name also? I bought it as a single person, my partner then moved in. 

Surely I can move in the same way?