Why was I treated like this in charity shop?

Robertson74

Hello. I know this happened years ago, but it still feels raw and if I volunteer again I am worried the same thing happens.
I am a single disabled man with social anxiety and I have never had a paid job.
In 2014 I joined a local charity shop. They had almost fifty volunteers and most were middled aged to elderly and many were from churches. The lady manager was mostly nice as were some  of the volunteers, but I soon found out I was being excluded from shop events and in all the time I was there I felt I was treated differently and not seen as a "proper" member of staff.
When I first went in, there was a slide show and meal near the managers house and she and the volunteer event list vanished till it was over and I couldn't put my name down. I gradually found out that I was being left out of Christmas staff meals, Burns suppers and co-workers leaving meals. In 2017 I asked if they were doing anything for Christmas- she said no, but I later saw the shop closed and them all in a local pub cafe. Shortly after they had a burns supper and three co-workers leaving meals which I wasn't asked to.
Other horrible things happened- Sometimes I arrived to find my duties had been done leaving me with nothing to. Some people never talked to me and never asked about what I was doing and this happened for years and some glared at me. Some co-workers came in as customers and asked the volunteers who was in and they said just the four of us, but I wasn't mentioned. When my mother died no one asked how I was or when I was coming back and really felt that if I hadn't gone back nobody would have ever called. When I met the lady manager out shopping she blanked me when I said hello. I wanted to get till training, but they never taught me. Also some people joked about me suiting ladies jackets and bags. 
They took on another lady manager in 2018 who treated me better, but I really felt that had covid not come along I would have been "let go". When the shop reopened after Covid I wasn't called back.
This has bothered me for years and has really put me off people and made my social anxiety a lot worse. I was kind, pleasant and helpful towards these people and this is how I was treated. My late father used to say that if I was nice to people, they would be nice back, but I never experienced this.
Some other charities have asked me if I want to volunteer, but I am really worried how a single man who has never had a job would be treated. 
Also I haven't had a reference from here as the charity has changed.
Sorry for the long post.

pramsay13

There are a few different things here, some of them sound like not much at all, and some sound like nastiness, but people don't have to like you or be nice to you as much as we would like everyone to do so. 
They certainly don't need to invite you to their social events and I'm not sure why you would want to go if they are all older than you. 
I would expect them to be civil in the shop, but other than that I'm not sure you can expect much more. 
I certainly wouldn't still be worrying about it years later. 
If you're interested in volunteering again maybe try a different environment rather than a charity shop, 

[Deleted User]

People can be mean sometimes, and  not everyone  will like you no matter what you say or do and vice versa.

 I know there are people at work who l can't stand,  but l get on with them because l have too.
Whatever other people  do outside of the work/volunteer  environment  is their concern  not yours. Nobody likes being left out, we are after 
all social beings.

I understand  that if you have low self  esteemed brought on by anxiety  than what other would brush off maybe affects you more. 

Your  volunteering  is a lot more than other would do so hold your head up and don't let other people dictate  how your feel.

Good luck.

Brie

Some people are very bad about dealing with those with disabilities.  And then there's the issue of staff being mostly ladies of a certain age and you being a younger bloke.  They might think "oh I can't talk to him about my lady problems and I certainly know nothing about football!"  And so it becomes "normal" to exclude you.  None of which is right of course.  And it has little to do with volunteering - I've seen the same happen in corporate jobs too.  

Now obviously a manager should have done just that - manage the situation and get things right.  Or be straight talking and tell you that things aren't working out because of XYZ.  And then given you a chance to get things right or to give her other "employees" a chance to behave in a better way towards you.  

As others have said you need to persevere.  Find another place, maybe one where you already know someone so there's an obvious welcome for you.  Or where there are other people your age/gender.  Shouldn't be necessary but people tend to like people like themselves more easily.  

Hope you find your right place and begin to enjoy work.  And leave this all behind you.

pseudodox

Perhaps a shop environment is not the right place for you.  You sound like a kind caring person & hats off for wanting to do any sort of volunteering when so many fit and able people just sit around all day & give nothing.  Would your disability prevent you doing any sort of outdoors or animal charity work.  Does your local authority have countryside volunteer teams?  They are grateful even if someone will spend an hour or two picking up litter and perhaps helping to cut back overgrown footpaths.  Do you have a local animal charity that need people to help, perhaps even just playing with dogs in their care or walking them.  Also any local canals or rivers - they often need people to help tidy footpaths etc.

I volunteer both with countryside & waterways charities and whilst I am fit and able we certainly do not exclude anyone who is capable of giving even limited help. We have one young man who has limited ability but lots of enthusiasm and he is valued as much as anyone.  My local town has a team of people who once a month clear litter in the town centre and they are from all walks of life, from children to pensioners.

At the end of the day if someone is mean to you just tell yourself there is someone else out there who is more deserving of your time and effort.  You may be over-reacting to some things (that is human nature) but other aspects of your experience sounds like bullying - people picking on someone they see as an easy target.

Good luck with finding your niche.

Marcon

Robertson74 said:

Hello. I know this happened years ago, but it still feels raw and if I volunteer again I am worried the same thing happens.
I am a single disabled man with social anxiety and I have never had a paid job.
In 2014 I joined a local charity shop. They had almost fifty volunteers and most were middled aged to elderly and many were from churches. The lady manager was mostly nice as were some  of the volunteers, but I soon found out I was being excluded from shop events and in all the time I was there I felt I was treated differently and not seen as a "proper" member of staff.
When I first went in, there was a slide show and meal near the managers house and she and the volunteer event list vanished till it was over and I couldn't put my name down. I gradually found out that I was being left out of Christmas staff meals, Burns suppers and co-workers leaving meals. In 2017 I asked if they were doing anything for Christmas- she said no, but I later saw the shop closed and them all in a local pub cafe. Shortly after they had a burns supper and three co-workers leaving meals which I wasn't asked to.
Other horrible things happened- Sometimes I arrived to find my duties had been done leaving me with nothing to. Some people never talked to me and never asked about what I was doing and this happened for years and some glared at me. Some co-workers came in as customers and asked the volunteers who was in and they said just the four of us, but I wasn't mentioned. When my mother died no one asked how I was or when I was coming back and really felt that if I hadn't gone back nobody would have ever called. When I met the lady manager out shopping she blanked me when I said hello. I wanted to get till training, but they never taught me. Also some people joked about me suiting ladies jackets and bags. 
They took on another lady manager in 2018 who treated me better, but I really felt that had covid not come along I would have been "let go". When the shop reopened after Covid I wasn't called back.
This has bothered me for years and has really put me off people and made my social anxiety a lot worse. I was kind, pleasant and helpful towards these people and this is how I was treated. My late father used to say that if I was nice to people, they would be nice back, but I never experienced this.
Some other charities have asked me if I want to volunteer, but I am really worried how a single man who has never had a job would be treated. 
Also I haven't had a reference from here as the charity has changed.
Sorry for the long post.

Hold on to the sentence I've put in bold type above. If they've asked you, it means they need someone - and that someone could well be you.

You can cling on to the past and let it ruin the future, or you can do what we all have to do from time to time: take a risk. Yes, it's more difficult for someone with social anxiety, a disability and no work history - but far from impossible.

Yes, the same thing could happen again, but if it does, you don't need to stay.

LinLui

Some people are very bad about dealing with those with disabilities

I agree with @Brie. People are often rubbish at dealing with difference, and especially disability. I recall serval years ago there was a staff consultation about where to go for Christmas lunch... the practice being lunch then everyone finished for the day. There were loads of where to go,  where not to go,  what to eat,  etc., etc., questions. My response was I don't care about any of those things,  but I need a place I can walk to (limited mobility) or park at. They chose a place in the heart of a pedestrian area with no parking anywhere near. When the day came they asked why I wasn't going and ended up being the only person in the office all afternoon.  I told them. I opted out of every social afterwards, and the job soon after.  If people can't care enough to be inclusive, the problem is them,  not you. 

Dakta

Right, so first of all - sorry you want through that. Your experience sounds worse than mine, but I have been there - excluded from work organised events, dismissive management and 'passive abuse'. As someone with similar issues - largely made to the extent it is because of the work environment - you do have my sympathy.

It is history, so there's no point upsetting the applecart, though if it was a formal shop then you should have had greivance procedures available to you. It may not have helped things but I can't help but feel you might have suffered in silence too much, especially given you were volunteering free labour to them.

Also, it is true people don't have to like you, and people can arrange to do their own thing - but there is a crossroads where this becomes a work event and exclusion from such CAN be bullying. I've had this out recently with my own line manager, who doesn't like getting involved in...managing... and felt it easier to try and dismiss a formal work event as sometihng colleagues had just decided to do. If it's funded or subsidised by the company, written and posted on the canteen fridge for the general workforce, and kept away from you then you can argue a point regarding bullying.

For you, it's water under the bridge, but I can understand why the pain hasn't gone away. For some of us time really doesn't heal, all you need is a reminder of it and it comes back like its yesterday. You do need to find a route through

And my route is this - try volunteering again if you have the opportunity. Some people don't deserve to lead teams or be managers, but many are fantastic. Now you've seen the worst, whatever comes next will almost certainly be better or not as bad, and this time be more proactive about raising issues. Yes it's true procedures dont always work out, but in the off chance someone in head office or whatveer does care, they won't know.

Take the chance to displace the bad experience with some better ones because in your case that'll do a load better than time passing by - get out there. 

By the way, a final note - you stuck it out too long. Everyone is valuable, that includes you - so stop giving your time freely to people that don't appreciate it. Remember your worth. 

Robertson74

Thanks for the replies- there's a lot to think about. 
I volunteered in local shop that looked a nice place, as I shopped there as a customer. I did it because I have social anxiety and hoped that being in a public setting would help. I also sort of hoped that I would be asked to things in the community and be able have conversations. But I can see the older people and women wouldn't have anything in common with a younger man, which didn't help things.
The main thing that bothers me was the events. I might have gone to the Christmas meal, but I didn't want to go to the burns supper and staff leaving meals. I just wish they could have asked me and I would have declined and things would have felt alright. They gave me the job of filling the refuse bins, breaking up cardboard  and packing boxes of books downstairs for the recycling companies, that sell online. It really bothered me that they never asked me when I was doing lots of work for them
Also latterly I was finding these jobs done before I arrived. I really shouldn't have waited so long here, but I always hoped things would get better, the longer I was there, but Covid stopped my volunteer job.
Also the charity has stopped having shops now, so I don't think I would be able to get a reference, from my almost five years there, should I think about volunteering again, as you suggest,

Savvy_Sue

Yes, do think about volunteering again, and explain you can't provide a reference from that. 

I live in a city with a number of community cafes, the one nearest me has lots of volunteers, and some of them would clearly struggle in a non-supportive environment, you might want to look for that kind of thing. 

josephine82

Why not volunteer at your local parkrun or junior parkrun event (if there is one) to get back into volunteering? 

It’s a few hours on Saturday or Sunday mornings helping to put on a running/jogging/walking event in local parks around the world. You would be welcomed with open arms and it’s so inclusive and positive. You don’t need to be a runner. 

If you do it for a bit someone from the event would probably be more than happy to give you a reference for a more formal volunteering role. 

https://www.parkrun.com/about/join-us/volunteer/