figuring out what to do next - OCD and micromanagement

Stills14

I have really reached the end of the line with my current job which I've been in for 6 and a half years now and simply cannot tolerate my boss’ controlling, micromanaging, OCD behaviour which is starting to eat away at my psyche and confidence.  He started a year and a half ago and since then 2 of my previous work colleagues have already left, a some months apart from being long term happy employees with my old boss to falling apart, stressed out and fed up, simply because they could not tolerate him any longer. 

The micromanaging, the intensity, the obsession with his job has never stopped, irrespective of what I do or don't do. The OCD explains the constant perfectionism, the exaggerated reactions over the very minor mistakes, just like the OCD person who would go mad if their things were moved a millimetre out of place.  Every day spent with him is so draining, I feel exhausted even when's he just in the office and not speaking.  Constantly picking up minor faults whether it's one small typo in an email to pointing out one thing I didn't manage to do despite having done everything else perfectly.  He went away earlier this year for 2 weeks on holiday and spent every day on his emails. Doesn't ever stop working, evenings, weekends, doesn't matter.  Every event, every meeting, every task is like a military exercise as if we're going out to battle, which is why whenever I do mess up even in such a minor way, he loses the plot and almost takes it personally as if I've insulted his mother. This could be a slight misunderstanding with the wording of an email to simply not doing something he expected me to do but didn't tell me.

I can provide so many examples of the above but I don’t want to come across as ranting and take up too much time here and also there’s just so many.  He has this way of making you feel so useless and it's just demoralising to the point where you lose confidence in yourself and start believing you have a problem. Like early on, how he mentioned to both myself and my ex colleague, that we had a problem with attention to detail, due to making the odd typo here and there or misspelling someone's name once.  I almost started to believe that perhaps I did have an issue with attention to detail because he said this numerous times in the first few months every time I made a very minor mistake.  Looking back, this is simply being human and making a small mistake. Isn't this gaslighting?

Anyway, I'm really at a breaking point now, and so my question is, is there a reasonable cause for me to approach HR and at least discuss this? Will they be even interested in this?  I don’t think I have a legal case here as nothing criminal or unethical has taken place and he hasn’t been abusive as such but just psychological damage and unfair treatment, in my view.  But that’s the issue, how can this be proved?  I have some emails which reflect his overbearing personality which may help.  Obviously I don't want my boss to find out and wondering if HR will be unbiased.  I think they should be given that they are a contractor.  I just feel it’s come to the point now where he needs someone to hold him accountable.  He’ll be totally fine with clients and others outside of the team but with the staff, he's a different person.  It’s the reason these two other Members of staff left, my old boss who did the handover cannot stand him either and now myself, desperate to get out. 

elsien

1. No, it’s not gaslighting.
2. HR will not be neutral. They are there for the employer and not the employee. And if you go to HR your boss will find out because how do you expect them to deal with it with without telling him what the complaint is?

Have  you ever tried to speak to your boss about your perception that he is micromanaging? Although getting someone’s name right is fairly basic. 

However I think you’re at the point where you just need to move on. Your boss isn’t going to change and if it’s making you unhappy, it’s not worth staying there. 

born_again

Do you think you could work with him if they changed?

Report to HR, but keep it all factual. Clearly, he is upsetting staff. HR will talk to them & it's fair to say that while HR will not mention names, unless you are in a large team. They will work out who it is.

Stills14

Thanks both for your thoughts.  I think going to HR is more just to have someone to talk to and who's job it is to actually listen to this kind of thing.  I guess perhaps I need someone else to understand where I'm coming from and someone else who has met him.  

elsien

Stills14 said:

Thanks both for your thoughts.  I think going to HR is more just to have someone to talk to and whose job it is to actually listen to this kind of thing.  I guess perhaps I need someone else to understand where I'm coming from and someone else who has met him.  

I’m sorry, but I don’t think your view of HR bears a lot of resemblance to the real world.

They are there to manage recruitment, annual leave,  pay et cetera and to try and keep the company out of employment tribunals and making sure disciplinary, grievance and equal opps procedures etc are correctly followed. They are not a listening ear for disgruntled employees. 

If you made it formal via a grievance, it would probably go to your manager’s manager to deal with. And if your manager gets results, in some companies, that’s all they will care about. 

 

tealady

Your micromanage is not going to change. What has to happen comes from you.
That means either:-
1) leave
2) in the local parlance "!!!!!! a deaf un"

I know what I would do. Years ago I complained about a manager. They didnt change so I left. Best decision I ever made.

Stills14

tealady said:

Your micromanage is not going to change. What has to happen comes from you.
That means either:-
1) leave
2) in the local parlance "!!!!!! a deaf un"

I know what I would do. Years ago I complained about a manager. They didnt change so I left. Best decision I ever made.

Well this is what puts me off talking to him directly. The previous employee brought to his attention that she was unhappy with him constantly nit picking, and that was a year ago and clearly nothing has changed.

Finding new work is just not easy. I don't have a vocational degree and not a huge amount of experience in anything really. So it is hard work. I could re-train in something but again not sure what that could be plus at 40 years of age, I'm cut out of many industries now. 

TELLIT01

I agree with @born_again because if nobody raises the situation with HR they aren't going to know.  If there were a number of settled and long established employees who work for him, who have upped an left since his arrival HR may already be wondering what's going on.  Explain your concerns on both a person and business level.  Does it matter if he does find out?  The OP has already said they will have to consider their options.  If they do decide to leave, it should be easier to disregard the micromanagement and just get on with their job until they find alternative employment.

swingaloo

Stills14 said:

I have really reached the end of the line with my current job which I've been in for 6 and a half years now and simply cannot tolerate my boss’ controlling, micromanaging, OCD behaviour which is starting to eat away at my psyche and confidence.  He started a year and a half ago and since then 2 of my previous work colleagues have already left, a some months apart from being long term happy employees with my old boss to falling apart, stressed out and fed up, simply because they could not tolerate him any longer. 

The micromanaging, the intensity, the obsession with his job has never stopped, irrespective of what I do or don't do. The OCD explains the constant perfectionism, the exaggerated reactions over the very minor mistakes, just like the OCD person who would go mad if their things were moved a millimetre out of place.  Every day spent with him is so draining, I feel exhausted even when's he just in the office and not speaking.  Constantly picking up minor faults whether it's one small typo in an email to pointing out one thing I didn't manage to do despite having done everything else perfectly.  He went away earlier this year for 2 weeks on holiday and spent every day on his emails. Doesn't ever stop working, evenings, weekends, doesn't matter.  Every event, every meeting, every task is like a military exercise as if we're going out to battle, which is why whenever I do mess up even in such a minor way, he loses the plot and almost takes it personally as if I've insulted his mother. This could be a slight misunderstanding with the wording of an email to simply not doing something he expected me to do but didn't tell me.

I can provide so many examples of the above but I don’t want to come across as ranting and take up too much time here and also there’s just so many.  He has this way of making you feel so useless and it's just demoralising to the point where you lose confidence in yourself and start believing you have a problem. Like early on, how he mentioned to both myself and my ex colleague, that we had a problem with attention to detail, due to making the odd typo here and there or misspelling someone's name once.  I almost started to believe that perhaps I did have an issue with attention to detail because he said this numerous times in the first few months every time I made a very minor mistake.  Looking back, this is simply being human and making a small mistake. Isn't this gaslighting?

Anyway, I'm really at a breaking point now, and so my question is, is there a reasonable cause for me to approach HR and at least discuss this? Will they be even interested in this?  I don’t think I have a legal case here as nothing criminal or unethical has taken place and he hasn’t been abusive as such but just psychological damage and unfair treatment, in my view.  But that’s the issue, how can this be proved?  I have some emails which reflect his overbearing personality which may help.  Obviously I don't want my boss to find out and wondering if HR will be unbiased.  I think they should be given that they are a contractor.  I just feel it’s come to the point now where he needs someone to hold him accountable.  He’ll be totally fine with clients and others outside of the team but with the staff, he's a different person.  It’s the reason these two other Members of staff left, my old boss who did the handover cannot stand him either and now myself, desperate to get out. 

Have you noticed how often you refer to making mistakes as if they don't really matter? Perhaps he is as exasperated with you as you are with him if after 6 and a half years on the job you are still making minor mistakes.

josephine82

In this situation there are a number of things you could do- but I think it is worth reflecting on some of the things that you have received feedback on and whether or not they are valid. For example a silly mistake once is probably acceptable at the start of a job but repeated silly mistakes could suggest lacking attention of detail. How has feedback about your performance been handled? Do you feel that he is being picky about issues that don’t matter or is there some validity to the things that he points out? Is it worth discussing some of these points with a friend to understand if this type of feedback is normal- you may get better advise from a friend than HR who are just there to deal with HR processes. 

If the latter, then how have you dealt with this feedback- have you asked for concrete examples of where you need to improve and understood what these examples are, and made any progress? 

In terms of your managers approach to work, that is their issue not yours- all you can do is manage upwards appropriately to ensure that you get clarity around the standard of your work and work to meet the standards. 

Other option is to look for another role, but it’s likely you will come accross this again in the future so always good to learn how to manage your manager! 

Marcon

Forget talking to HR (or anyone else). There's clearly a personality clash between the two of you, and if as you say he's alienated other staff members, it's equally clear that the blame isn't exactly 50:50 between you!

Maybe after over six years it's time to move on? That may not feel fair but if you're 'at breaking point' it's not a bad idea.