Overly (IMO) frugal partner is getting me down!

bibbersloms

Me and my partner have very different attitudes to money and I am having some difficulty with it. I am the main earner in the household of 2 adults and 2 kids, we have a little more than the average UK income kicking around and we share all the money that comes in to the house equally. Neither of us come from affluent backgrounds but my partner went through some really tight times as a kid where the family struggled to buy basics such as food and clothing.

I feel like we are in a situation where we can indulge occasionally but my partner wants to do everything on a shoestring budget. I am by no means a spendthrift and we live a pretty modest lifestyle. We are locking horns at the moment over the budget for a family holiday but it could be anything from grocery shopping to whether we eat out on a family daytrip or take sandwiches. 

I thought I would reach out to you lot as I know a lot of you will see things from her point of view and perhaps help me out a bit. Do you think I'm being unreasonable for wanting to enjoy our money a bit more?

Mands

Your partner has a scarcity mindset. There are lots of resources online if you google that phrase.

Essentially, she is fearful that if you spend too much money on a family holiday or have a nice lunch out then there won't be enough money left to put food on the table. She thinks that because she has experienced that in the past. 

If you stand in her shoes for a minute can you understand how frightening that is to her? How can she take joy from a family day trip if she thinks her children might go hungry as a result? 

I think there is lots of reading online you could, both, do to understand this better. Therapy would be worthwhile if there was money available for that. In practical terms how about ringfencing emergency money? If your grocery budget is £500 a month then can you set aside another £500 that is earmarked for groceries in an emergency situation and not used for anything else. If there's an entire month's money set aside does that allow her to spend on other things without anxiety?

A scarcity mindset is surprisingly common, usually relating to money or to time. 

onomatopoeia99

Without knowing your situation in more detail, e.g. debts, size of emergency fund and other savings if you have them, then it's hard to say.

If you're living month to month with a ton of debt then her attitude has merits, get the debt down and build up an emergency fund first before you ease off on the fiscal control.  If you're already at that point then occasional treats are fine IMO.

tacpot12

You are not being unreasonable (as far as we can tell from your description), but as others have said, your partner's point of view could be based on some painful experiences to you need to tread carefully. 

My partner and I are fortunate to have quite similar views, but I am prepared to buy quality items when I think there is a justification to do so. My partner will not, and will always buy the cheapest, even when this means that the same item will need to be purchased repeatedly and so ends up costing more.

I think you might make some progress if you can show your partner that all the essentials are covered. I have a savings account where I keep different 'pots' to cover Birthdays & Christmas, Car Maintenance & related bills including saving to replace the car when it is beyond economic repair, House Maintenance & Furniture and Appliance replacements, Vets Bills, Holidays, etc. 

If you couldd show her that all eventualities were covered and the cost of the holiday you want to take has been saved up, I hope she would be more relaxed about spending the money for the purpose that it has been saved for. 

Trying to justify spending  on the basis you can afford it when she isn't sure that this is the case is not likely to work as a strategy.

Another technique I have used when some unexpected money comes my way is to save 75% and spend 25%. That way you get a treat, but you are also building up your wealth and through the miracle of compound interest this will ensure that you have a happy life in future. 

thegreenone

We have all the 'pots' that @tacpot12 has and it makes it clear what you have to spend where.  I have just moved some pots to get better interest rates.

We have a holidays/entertainment account, which I think might be a good way for you to go, so your partner can see what funds are available.  Open one, pay into it monthly and whatever is in there, is strictly for Holidays & Entertainment only.   Holidays, cinema trips, restaurants, quick trip to MaccyDs after sports club etc.
  
Are there any yearly memberships you could buy from this account ie NT, RHS, local leisure centre, Lido?  

Go for a day out, take sandwiches but have a big ice cream treat at the end and/or a small thing from the gift shop.

bibbersloms

Thanks for these, yes I realise a lot of these feelings stem from her childhood. I took some time to budget our holiday and itemise what money came from where and se is much more relaxed about it now. As much as she can be tight, I know I can be pretty easy breezy, maybe a bit too much!

thriftytracey

I had quite a frugal childhood and I am very careful with our finances.  Because of this, we were able to retire early and paid off our mortgage aged 50.  My husband had a much poorer childhood than me - he was one of 10 children and his dad died when he was 11.  Yet, he is hopeless with money!

Since retirement, and due to Covid and Liz Truss debacle for two periods I had to drastically reduce my own pension drawdown.  We managed.  Funds have recovered and back to normal.  

My husband is not good at finances and leaves it to me.  Bless him though, he never wants anything. As I have got older I realise that it is good for your relationship and mental health to have occasional treats.  When you start to have health problems it dawns on you that it really isn't worth scrimping all the time.  I am still careful but you can't take it with you!  Obviously, you are younger.  You have to agree a middle ground.  I have a holiday savings fund and an emergency fund (which I never touch).  I also now save a bit of money each month towards Christmas.  I have a horror of debt and we run two old cars (pretty reliable).  

I agree with other posters though, it really isn't worth buying the cheapest.  I've just had to replace  the dishwasher which lasted 30 years!  It was a good one.  

Does your partner suffer from anxiety generally?  I do, so I know how that can affect decision making.

ouraggie

My parents were cash-strapped as we grew up, and it affected me and my sister in opposite ways. I am like your wife and find it hard to break away from this. I can easily afford to eat lunch out these days but still always take sandwiches. Its a mindset I really struggle to change. 
 My sister is the opposite ( “ i want my kids to have what i never had”). 
One idea which may help is to open a savings account and move all savings interest into this, intending this to be spent. That way she is not spending the money, just the interest on the money. 

Another idea is to start with something really small, such as her going into a cafe while out shopping and having a £2.50 cup of tea ( i assume she would normally not dream of doing that). Also, as others have suggested, a monthly “treats” fund might help. Keep it very small to begin with, then slowly increase it. 

I find it a bit easier to “let go” in certain situations. eg it gives me something of unquestionably better quality ( ipad rather than Kindle Fire), or something i will really enjoy using (nice umbrella bought on holiday for £20). I find it much harder to let go just because I can.