Can I help, is it my place to get involved?

sto33

Looking for advice on this. I want to help, but I am not sure it is even my place to get involved.

I have been with my girlfriend for a year and a half. I finalised my divorce a two and a half years ago and have 50:50 custody of my 4 year old daughter via Child Arrangement Order. Girlfriend has 5 year old son, the dad didn’t want him and doesn’t want to know him.

Relationship with girlfriend has been going really well, we spend a lot of time together and our children are really fond of each other, I look after and parent her son the same I would my daughter.

Conversation has turned to our future and the possibility of living together, and possibly our own child sometime in the future.

I wanted to know more about the situation with her son and her arrangements with her ex. I had an idea it was a bit messy, but now I know everything it has left me with mixed feelings.

This is what I have been told. Girlfriend was in a 10+ year controlling relationship with her ex. He inherited multiple houses and money in his teens. She lived in one of his houses with him for half the relationship, she then moved back to parents and they continued a sexual relationship until she became pregnant, he wanted an abortion and ultimately cut all contact shortly after the baby was born. She put him on the birth certificate. He sold up and moved away, girlfriend doesn’t know exactly where he lives.

He lost his job half way through the relationship and decided instead to live off his inheritance, living a lavish lifestyle and spending huge sums on luxury cars.

Current situation is this. Girlfriend has received less than £500 to date from him for her son, she has never applied for maintenance. Their only communication is via a social media app. None of his family or friends know he has a child. He acknowledges he lives mortgage free, still has his cars but claims all his money is gone and he has considerable debt. Apparently he started a job in Feb, first job in 10 years, but it is only part-time and he is on Universal Credit or Income Support, but he is not sure which one. After I encouraged her to message him, he has promised to start sending her £20 a month.

I know people have casual child arrangements, but in comparison to my arrangements for my daughter, this situation seems dire. There is no actual evidence of anything other than the messages she receives. I just want to help my girlfriend improve the situation, she seems out of her depth. She seems to just accept the situation and doesn’t want to cause any possible upset. Maybe there is nothing I can do, should I even get involved? I am also unsure if or how this situation may affect us as a couple going forward.

tacpot12

It's only your place to get involved to the extent that your girlfriend wants your help. I don't think you will be able to make her apply any more pressure than she wants to do so.

If he really is living off Universal Credit, persuing him for maintenance isn't going to bring alot of extra money into your household - the CMS Calculator suggests that it might be around £30 per month, but it is likely that she would need to use the Collect and Pay Service which would reduce this to about £29, and increase the cost to him £36 pcm. This could make his live very much harder as hsi UC will be reduced by about 9% to pay this amount to her. UC is not a generous benefit, despite what many would have you believe.

He sounds like someone who it would better to have less to do with than more, so you will have to consider how you feel about the situation, given that she is not inclined to persue him. She knows him better than you do, so I would give her views more weight when trying to decide what to do for the best. 

elsien

I can’t see how it would affect your relationship moving forwards. The ex would appear to be a waste of space He has no interest in maintaining or seeing his child and that’s going to be the same whether you’re involved with her or not. 

If she doesn’t want to rattle his cage by pursuing him for maintenance, that’s her decision to make and you have to respect that.
The best thing you can do is show her  that not all relationships have to be controlling.

RAS

If he's got an inheritance, cars etc, he may not eligible for UC? 

Your GF may be reluctant to engage with the ex because he was controlling. Having grown up in a household where that was an issue, do not underestimate the ability of an absent parent to wreck havoc with your GF's and your lives, as well as the children.

Demanding access to the child at times known to be inconvenient, then failing to turn up, refusing to allow the child to travel with you, returning the child late particularly if they have bee asked to be prompt because you have plans. Add if they have money, or perhaps even if not, splashing out on treats that you can't afford, whilst refusing to pay CSA. And losing their job every time CSA is claimed anyway.

Savvy_Sue

All of the above is good advice. 

I wonder whether, because you are a good and loving father to your own daughter - despite no longer being with her mother - you can't understand why any man would not want such a relationship, and feel that he is 'missing out'. And because you are a decent and reasonable human being, who has been able to negotiate sensible arrangements around who is caring for you daughter and when, you cannot understand why any father would not want to work towards this. 

But your partner's ex had those possibilities, and backed away. He did not want to be a father, and nothing indicates that his position has changed. 

You are at risk of opening a massive can of worms. Too many parents who are 'forced' into paying child support decide that they are therefore entitled to behave like a complete eejit (putting it politely), demanding to see the child, making and breaking any arrangements to do so, withholding money promised and so on and so forth. 

Her ex has form for controlling behaviour. Protect her and her son from any future demonstrations. 

If, as he grows up, her son wants to know about his father, and wants to make contact, let his mother explain what she knows, and support him as much as she feels she can, but also remain protective. 

BrassicWoman

"After I encouraged her to message him, he has promised to start sending her £20 a month."

You are already involved and have opened a doorway to 'huge stress vs very minor money.'

Put down your spurtle. If she wanted to do this, she would have by now.

thegreenone

If he doesn't want to be a father, cut him loose.  £20 a month?  What's that going to do? It keeps him on the periphery of her life forever. So he still has an element of control, with court cases and paperwork.  Refuse and get rid.

Move on and you and your partner can provide a happy home for your children.  

Pollycat

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Danien

Personally my approach in your situation would be to break ties entirely. He is obviously toxic to your girlfriend and her son. He doesn't want to be involved, so, if I were going to spend my life with the girlfriend, I would speak to her about asking him if he wants to relinquish his parental rights so I could adopt the child therefore removing any financial liability on his part - he may have the urge to control by saying no, but the lack of any ability to taje his income may well convince him. But that's me.

If he's controlling, I don't think it's a good idea to bring him into your lives.