What happens upon death of spouse?

pjs493

badmemory said:

I do know that someone in a very long relationship can feel rudderless if one dies.  I remember my mother being furious at my father & for a few weeks being unable to focus on much.  She needed guiding through a lot at the time but once only a few months had passed she was back being able to do all the stuff she had always done.  So just a bit of hand holding was all that was needed & I suspect the longer the marriage & the older the people the longer that takes.  Too much help can be counterproductive though.

I’d second this to some degree. I lost my husband suddenly last year and looking back the first few months were a complete blur. 

However, there were some people who insisted on trying to take over which just made me feel as if I didn’t have any say or control in things. People even tried to make suggestions which weren’t actually in my best interests or what my husband would have wanted eg trying to take over plans for the funeral. 

Some people genuinely thought they were doing a good thing, other people were opportunistic (to put things politely). One person suggested a house clearance of my husband’s things which appeared well intended but it was the last thing I wanted. 

Take direction from your mother and ask her what she needs, don’t fall into the trap of infantilising her. I had people do this to me and it wasn’t helpful. I had one person telling me what to do, but then on the flip side that same person wouldn’t take care of my children so I could have a shower. A few people wanted to ‘help’ but on their terms. When I actually asked for something, the same people suddenly found themselves too busy and I realised they’d made empty offers. 

Do everything on your mother’s terms. She may seem like she’s doing something irrational (I didn’t want to wash our bed sheets because my husband had slept in them). Let her process things at her speed. If she wants someone to stay at home with her, make sure someone can. If she wants to be left alone, give her space. Members of my husband’s family insisted on coming to stay, but it just felt intrusive and gave me no privacy or breathing space to deal with raw grief. 

Also make sure you take time to prepare yourself to grieve. One of my siblings at one point had to remind me that a close friend needed to be told to go home so they could grieve themselves. 

Looking back now I had lots of people doing what they thought they should be doing, but nobody actually asked me what I needed or wanted. I ended up with a fridge full of food but didn’t feel like eating for weeks so it all ended up in the bin because there was no space in the freezer. It was such a waste. 

J_B

Thanks all - off to the hospital - will reply properly later ... hopefully

Marcon

pjs493 said:

badmemory said:

I do know that someone in a very long relationship can feel rudderless if one dies.  I remember my mother being furious at my father & for a few weeks being unable to focus on much.  She needed guiding through a lot at the time but once only a few months had passed she was back being able to do all the stuff she had always done.  So just a bit of hand holding was all that was needed & I suspect the longer the marriage & the older the people the longer that takes.  Too much help can be counterproductive though.

I’d second this to some degree. I lost my husband suddenly last year and looking back the first few months were a complete blur. 

However, there were some people who insisted on trying to take over which just made me feel as if I didn’t have any say or control in things. People even tried to make suggestions which weren’t actually in my best interests or what my husband would have wanted eg trying to take over plans for the funeral. 

Some people genuinely thought they were doing a good thing, other people were opportunistic (to put things politely). One person suggested a house clearance of my husband’s things which appeared well intended but it was the last thing I wanted. 

Take direction from your mother and ask her what she needs, don’t fall into the trap of infantilising her. I had people do this to me and it wasn’t helpful. I had one person telling me what to do, but then on the flip side that same person wouldn’t take care of my children so I could have a shower. A few people wanted to ‘help’ but on their terms. When I actually asked for something, the same people suddenly found themselves too busy and I realised they’d made empty offers. 

Do everything on your mother’s terms. She may seem like she’s doing something irrational (I didn’t want to wash our bed sheets because my husband had slept in them). Let her process things at her speed. If she wants someone to stay at home with her, make sure someone can. If she wants to be left alone, give her space. Members of my husband’s family insisted on coming to stay, but it just felt intrusive and gave me no privacy or breathing space to deal with raw grief. 

Also make sure you take time to prepare yourself to grieve. One of my siblings at one point had to remind me that a close friend needed to be told to go home so they could grieve themselves. 

Looking back now I had lots of people doing what they thought they should be doing, but nobody actually asked me what I needed or wanted. I ended up with a fridge full of food but didn’t feel like eating for weeks so it all ended up in the bin because there was no space in the freezer. It was such a waste. 

An enormous amount of good sense - and practical guidance for those of us genuinely wanting to help someone who is newly bereaved. Thank you.

J_B

Robin9 said:

Insurance -  buildings/contents;  bank accounts/ investments/premium bonds; water; council tax ;   but rheres no rush.
Use the "Tell Us once" service
practical -  who looks after the garden.
Even more so - will MIL cope physically ?  She will say yes.

Insurance is with Lloyds bank along with all the accounts - everything is in joint names and 'we' have LPA

The garden was his life but sadly he gave up on it last summer (aged 91!) it's hidden at the rear of the house so is not shouting 'problem' to anyone really, only the neighbours who are fully aware of what's happening

BooJewels said:

Another alternative arrangement to consider is to use the LPAs already in place, to manage things like utilities and insurance etc.

Banking (which is where the insurance also is) - we have already registered the LPA, and used it.

Newly_retired said:

Tread carefully. If anyone had tried to take over eg the utilities when my late husband was ill, I would have told them where to go, but it very much depends on the individual and how involved they are with household admin. 
Do they have a joint houshold account? Standing orders / Direct Debits?

They are fully 'on board' with everything that we are doing - no careful treading needed.

All accounts are joint and luckily MiL is in charge of all of that.

Thanks all again.

BooJewels

Smashing, thanks for the update @J_B - if you've already registered the LPA with the bank, that's potentially a big hurdle already overcome - sometimes that process can prove more problematic than it seems like it should be.  If it's already in place, you are ready to assist if, as and when it's required.  My aunt in her 90s was perfectly capable of managing her money, it only became necessary to assist when she smashed her hip and was out of action for a while, then again at the end of her life when hospitalised.  She never lost the mental ability to deal with it - my sister and I just assisted in a practical sense.  It's just another useful tool in your arsenal.

J_B

BUMP!

I'm back with the inevitable sad news.

Father in Law came home from hospital but was very frail.

They celebrated their 68th wedding anniversary on Tuesday ❤ - he even managed a few sips of prosecco that Mother in Law insisted I bought! 😍

Then on Wednesday he passed away with Mrs B and M-i-L by his side. Luckily the district nurse was there at the time so she took a lot of the practical stuff on board which made the situation a lot less stressful!

I've just re-read through all of this and made notes.

The ladies are going to register the death on Tuesday lunchtime so have hopefully got all the info the registrar needs.

Just one question is 'who are the executors', but as we haven't seen the will we can't answer that. I think M-i-L has it in the desk somewhere so hopefully she can answer that.

Onwards and upwards and thanks again for all the valuable advice. Just the 3 week wait to arrange a funeral now!!! 🙄

BooJewels

I'm sorry for your loss - but I'm happy to hear that he got to celebrate his wedding anniversary and had something nice happening at that point.  My Mum died a couple of days before their wedding anniversary and that was something that plagued and disproportionately upset Dad - never quite made it to 63 years.

If you need any assistance with the processes going forwards, then you'll get plenty of help here.

Keep_pedalling

Newly_retired said:

Tread carefully. If anyone had tried to take over eg the utilities when my late husband was ill, I would have told them where to go, but it very much depends on the individual and how involved they are with household admin. 
Do they have a joint houshold account? Standing orders / Direct Debits?

There is a very useful sticky at the top of this board with links to what to do when someone dies.

Although all our utilites were on the joint account which I ran, but my husband accessed too, his personal spending was separate. Something I found invaluable was to be able to see on bank and credit card statements what the regular outgoings were. I traced all sorts of subscriptions that way and stopped them - even managed to get a couple of refunds.

Why would they if you were capable of doing it yourself? Presumable if you had LPAs in place you were both attorneys for each other. That is how ours have been done and our children will only get involved if neither of us is able manage.