Financial settlement advice. Possible strange situation

yammy87

Hi all. I haven’t started proceedings yet for a few reasons but I’m finally getting to a point that I will be able to. I have to start with history as I think it’s important so it’s gonna be a long post sorry. 

Me and my wife have been married nearly 15 years and together about 20. We had a child young (17) and two more since then. 17 and 13 girls. 

For most of the marriage even to others I’ve been “under the thumb” however this passiveness over the last decade seems to have lead to something more damaging. 

Obviously this in my opinion and I know the whole truth lies somewhere between mine and her sides of the story. However I have documentable evidence for the past five years of the situation. 

My wife has always been a bit of a control freak and can be vindictive and coercive to get her way “hence my under the thumb appearance to others”. I own a business and for the last 5-10 years I’ve learnt around 50k per year. She went back to uni and became a teacher which she has been for at least 5 years and until the end of last year was earning about 40k. I’ve always had flexibility because of my job and have always done the schools runs etc for about ten years. 

Her spending and online bingo spending has always been an issue and over the years has caused significant argument and debt creation. I have always due to work flexibility and saving money attitude been able to pay this off or take out a loan to resolve the situation. However given we have relatively good wages for the past few years rather than resolve this the problems with spending and gambling seemed to get worse not better. 

I for example would buy clothes for me once a year. She has in excess of 200 dresses from one particular brand that seemed to be her obsession plus ten times more clothes than me in general. In another she would purchase a dog against my will for £1500 saying she had the money then it turned out she didn’t. She used her wages and I had to find the normal outgoings that month as she didn’t have enough. For the past few years what started as every twelve months “I need 10k to pay off credit” reduced to every six months and just kept accelerating. 

She has since been diagnosed with split personality disorder which makes sense as for a few years I have wanted a divorce but have always been scared based on previous events into staying because she would never loose an argument. She would escalate beyond what’s reasonable until I backed down. (Using children as weapon (threatening and then actually creating groups with my children saying I had a new family and she wouldn’t be their mom anymore, none of which has any fact behind it). Burning money for business trips and finally what happened end of decemeber). 

Over the years trying to talk to her about spending would just result in me not able to sleep at home because she would threaten me, children or her own life if I pushed too far. So it would just be a case of seeing numerous parcels arrive everyday consistently meaning I needed to save a rainy day fund to pay for whatever trouble she got into next. 

As it stand I own my own car. I did really well with crypto in 2021 and I paid off a previous loan paid my car off and more of her debts off. Since then I have her car on finance (worth 21 owe 27) as her credit wouldn’t allow her to upgrade (she didn’t need too but it caused an argument when I didn’t agree right away). 

And we own a 420k house with 160k on mortgage (80k) of which was my inheritance during marriage. 

New Year’s Eve she didn’t like that I was spending time with our son after she initially agreed and the fight ended up with her hammer fisting my face and groin in the car she drives that’s in my name. When I refused to go home after that as it would continue in front of our daughter she tried to drive over then deliberately drove the new car right into the front of our house. 

We are lucky it didn’t hurt the children or fall down. The children won’t speak to her now she is not allowed near us but she has spent the last few months closing joint accounts, life insurance and labelling me a narrsasistic mental abuser. Culminating in her accusing me of rape in the non molestation order hearing that is ongoing. 

She left her job in December and that may of added to the catalyst but the intention wasn’t for her not to work it was for her to find another job right away. 

I have domestic abuse people on hand so I’m fine. My children are fine and we will manage. I’m now after having to sell my own personal belongings to pay for car parts and to rebuild the front of our house. That’s mostly done now and I’m just trying to see where I stand. 

It’s weird on a monthly basis we actually have more available each month now than we ever did just on my wage. And this includes paying over 1k a month for the loan and car payment she was paying that’s in my name that she agreed to pay for. 

Obviously I’m looking at divorce now and my biggest fear is having to upheave my children which I think is going to have to happen. The cold hard facts are this:

house 420/160 owed
my car 15k
investments not available for two months 20k
my personal debt ~25k (most her in my name)
her car in my name 21/27 owed (plus 3/4k I’ve paid to repair)
4k paid to repair home

her debts 10/15k (absolute guess could be more)



im not after a figure I just wanna try and keep my home for me and our kids and either prepare to get !!!!!! or hopefully see if I can’t a 75/25 60/40 percent deal. I feel what we have is in spite of her not because she helped build it. She has spent probably 3/4 times as much needed at uni flitting between different areas and not earning to finally land on teaching while I was bringing in money. Then she gets a good teaching job for a few years earning 40k per year and she left that job in decemeber without my constent. And did this to me and kids. 

No the facts are she is earning nothing. She might have a criminal record that prevents her from earning well and gets to rob us. 

The children 17/13 live with me and always will. I just wanna try and keep my home but as it stands from a mortgage perspective unless I get at least 60/40 in my favour I don’t see it happening. 

Long post loads of questions I know. Really I just wanna know given the above if a split like above makes sense given the info. 

yammy87

Have to add it will cripple my emotions if we have to sell out home but if I know it’s pretty much guaranteed I can process that and try to turn it into a positive for my girls. 

yammy87

Simple scenario is we both earned 40/50 k until split. Assets/debts minus house are probably about the same. Kids live with me but she no longer works (and suspect she will choose/ be forced not to) she pleaded guilty to dangerous driving and has no income. Criminal case on abuse driving still in progress. 

Can I get 60/40 or better given I’m the “man”. 

RAS

Since your re the parent with care it is quite possible that you could get 60% plus. I'd suggest you ask for more, as you can negotiate down.

Your wife will argue, no income and reduced scope for earning due to offenses. But you and your lawyer/McKenzie friend need to argue, long history of excessive debt, violence and need to repair damage.

Have you tried wikivorce?

Devongardener

The rights and wrongs of what has led to your current situation are not really relevant, however upsetting, you just need to get some legal advice to sort out the financial aspects and start divorce proceedings.   All assets will be considered as jointly owned which means you will probably have to either buy your wife out of the house or sell and split the net proceeds. It’s tough I know.

elsien

Don’t forget both your pensions are part of the bigger picture as well. Who do you think had the bigger pension pot? 

SteveVy

yammy87 said:

Simple scenario is we both earned 40/50 k until split. Assets/debts minus house are probably about the same. Kids live with me but she no longer works (and suspect she will choose/ be forced not to) she pleaded guilty to dangerous driving and has no income. Criminal case on abuse driving still in progress. 

Can I get 60/40 or better given I’m the “man”. 

Hello your story sounds very similar to mine (minus the children), my ex wife also had the same behaviours. I am currently going through a divorce send me a direct message and lets talk

Hoenir

Consult with a good Family Law Solicitor. I found mine invaluable. They take a non confrontational approach.  Starting point is 50/50 split. If the children are resident with you. Then they need to provided for. Which moves the split in your favour.  One option is for you to remain in the family home until such time as both the children have left full time education. At which point the property is sold in order for your then ex to receive her share. Worth bearing in mind that the court by default assumes guardianship of the children. When parents are at war. They will put the welfare of the children ahead of anything else. At  what is a diffucult period of time forthem. 

VyEu

Court isn't going to look at the ins and outs and history of the marriage. It's going to focus on the numbers. If you're primary carer and they're with you most of the time then that's a good reason to deviate from 50/50. Courts won't care if you're the man or the woman, but will consider things like income and earning capacity. Both sides will be expected to work unless they really can't because of age or disability l.
Don't forget the pensions, they're up for division too.