Please help debt, death and depression :(

Baldybear

Hello,

Been on this forums before and back again to try again.   Brief situation as otherwise could turn into an essay.  So am married (technically only on paper really!) with a small child of nearly 3.  Not working due to said small child.  I live with my husband who in theory should pay most of the bills but money has become a massive contentious issue and I really want to leave but cannot afford to do so, although have got to the point I cant afford to stay either.

So I have approx £34k (yes thats right L:() of credit card debts over 3 credit cards, all balance transfers have run out so charging me extortionate rates of interest.  I have got to the point this month I dont think I can pay the minimum payments.   I would try and do an SOA but not much can cut back on as dont really spend anything, we just dont have the money to cover the minimum payments on top of all the bills.  

I have massive rows over the debt as if its all my fault but a lot of it is from going away to see his family abroad and him not working or earning each time we do, 4 to 5 weeks at a time for the last 3 yrs.  If I didnt go he would just go anyway and would leave me and my daughter home alone and financially wouldnt make any difference.

At the moment I cant work as if I did all my costs would cover only basic childcare and I have no back up if she is ill etc.  I also need to take a lot of time out for her medical apptmts so its just not practical.  She is booked in for pre-school in september but that is only 15hrs a week.  I do earn some pin money as they say doing some audio typing at home, but that is only when I can fit it in when she naps etc, it only earns say £150 month but at least its mine.

Financially we got here by:-
stupidly borrowing money to give to OH to buy a flat abroad, still not built and all tied up in planning approx £10k
stupidly lending money to OH;s brother who promised to pay it back over 5 or so years, I cant stand him now and only tolerate him at home for my daughter, he makes me so angry over so many things, approx £5k
We got married wedding was cheap as we did a lot ourselves, no honeymoon as got pneumonia and then covid hit, approx £6k
Had a round of IVF £1500
Left my job and my lodger left due to having child and needing space £2k lost per month
Going abroad as mentioned before, prob losing us maybe £10K ish 
2 new cars needed, both second hand but still costs, had to because of stupid ULEZ and needing to commute their for work and medical appts, approx £15k
There is more but was trying to keep this short, sorry!

Good thing we have good equity in the house and only a smallish mortgage so if downsized then could clear mortgage and maybe a tiny bit for debt but that is still up in the air, not mentioned to OH yet.

So right now today my options I think are:-
a) default on credit cards and set up a payment plan, could then prob afford to pay bill and maybe save some to pay of debt eventually
Can you default on 2 cards and still keep 1 if you can pay that one?
b) I did think of downsizing myself and doing a proper split but I cant afford it.   Even if i paid of the mortgage and cleared my debts with house sale i couldnt afford to live, benefits would give me max £800/month to live on for me and daughter and if ex contributed would me even less.  I cant afford that, thats £10k a year, is it realistic??
c) downsize and mover with OH and again be b) but with OH wage.

I just dont know, OH is already talking about going away again to see his family, it just makes me feel sick.

I am also fighting major depression in my life, I need to sign up for counselling, I just cant get my head around it, although I know desperately need it.  I have lost so many people to death in the last 8 yrs its really taken it out of me.  Plus having my daughter who has medical issues which are ongoing it just never ends.

Thanks for anyone reading its really appreciated.

EssexHebridean

You need to put together a Statement of Affairs which will set out clearly all your income and outgoings so you know where you are. If your position is that you can't pay your priority bills AND the unsecured debts, then you stop paying the debts - it is that simple. Cancel the DDs. You can't be letting money flow out on debt payments if that then leaves you short for housing costs, council tax, utilities, food and essential travel. 

You also need to go and see your GP urgently and ask for a referral to mental health services about the depression. While you are dealing with that I would suggest not making any major life changing decisions. 

A DMP (Debt management plan) might be a good way forwards for you, but the SOA will help to establish whether that is the case. You do need to step away from using credit though - so no "keeping 1 card". Put together the SOA, build a solid household  budget, and then be very clear with your OH that things need to change financially, I think. If that last bit isn't possible then you probably have bigger questions to consider. one step at a time, though! 

enthusiasticsaver

You seem to have opened three threads with the same question so I have closed the other two. 

As EH says a statement of account will help but given you do not work and money is contentious with your OH I guess that is a problem.  Needless to say you cannot keep going overseas to visit family as you obviously cannot afford it. Are you claiming any benefits like DLA for your daughter if she has medical issues? I would suggest you default on the cards as that will stop the interest and save any spare money for emergencies.  You will need to live without credit moving forward which in the long run will be better for you. 

I also agree with EH that a doctors appointment for your own mental health is needed given what you are coping with.  I do not think selling and downsizing now is sensible as you will not get a  mortgage on your own if you do not work and it is a  massive upheaval so I would park that for now. Are the debts all in your name? 

Baldybear

EssexHebridean said:

You need to put together a Statement of Affairs which will set out clearly all your income and outgoings so you know where you are. If your position is that you can't pay your priority bills AND the unsecured debts, then you stop paying the debts - it is that simple. Cancel the DDs. You can't be letting money flow out on debt payments if that then leaves you short for housing costs, council tax, utilities, food and essential travel. 

You also need to go and see your GP urgently and ask for a referral to mental health services about the depression. While you are dealing with that I would suggest not making any major life changing decisions. 

A DMP (Debt management plan) might be a good way forwards for you, but the SOA will help to establish whether that is the case. You do need to step away from using credit though - so no "keeping 1 card". Put together the SOA, build a solid household  budget, and then be very clear with your OH that things need to change financially, I think. If that last bit isn't possible then you probably have bigger questions to consider. one step at a time, though! 

Hello thanks for reply will try to do an soa as best as i can later.  Have cancelled the dds for now as think best option and just have to save save what i can.  Do i need to write to creditors to set.up a payment plan or just wait for default?

Baldybear

enthusiasticsaver said:

You seem to have opened three threads with the same question so I have closed the other two. 

As EH says a statement of account will help but given you do not work and money is contentious with your OH I guess that is a problem.  Needless to say you cannot keep going overseas to visit family as you obviously cannot afford it. Are you claiming any benefits like DLA for your daughter if she has medical issues? I would suggest you default on the cards as that will stop the interest and save any spare money for emergencies.  You will need to live without credit moving forward which in the long run will be better for you. 

I also agree with EH that a doctors appointment for your own mental health is needed given what you are coping with.  I do not think selling and downsizing now is sensible as you will not get a  mortgage on your own if you do not work and it is a  massive upheaval so I would park that for now. Are the debts all in your name? 

Thank you for closing other 2 was having technical issues!!  

I have applied for dla just waiting outcome.  Will try and do soa shortly.

enthusiasticsaver

Wait for defaults.  You don't want to set up payments until defaults have happened.  

sourcrates

Just to be clear, it helps to understand how the debt collection process works, that way you can use it to your advantage, and it also greatly helps your mind set.

Cancelling the payments was a good move, you are now in control, not them.

The collection process is more of a marathon, than a sprint, it can take many months, years even, things do not happen quickly in the debt collection world.

So no matter what calls you get, or letters asking for payment, texts, emails, you can ignore everything, its normal collection activity.

What you must take notice of is any letter that is entitled a "letter before action" or LBA, that means a creditor is intending taking legal action to recover the debt, and wants you to come to an arrangement to prevent that from happening.

This would be rare, normally unpaid debts are dealt with in the vast majority of cases by debt collectors, but this is just so you know what to do if it were to happen.

Otherwise you wait, and save, and wait a bit longer, ideally you want all accounts to default, the best way to get to that stage is to do nothing, once defaulted all interest stops, and the debts usually get sold, that is the ideal time to start making payment arrangements, debt collectors websites these days are brilliant, you can do anything, set up payment plans, show them your budget etc etc.

Further down the line settlement offers will be an option, and just in case any legal action does occur, you don`t go to court, its all done by post and online, courts decide payment by budget, so only what is affordable, no need to worry about any of that, again its just knowing what to expect.
Good luck.