Please help debt, death and depression :(

Baldybear

Hello,

Been on this forums before and back again to try again.   Brief situation as otherwise could turn into an essay.  So am married (technically only on paper really!) with a small child of nearly 3.  Not working due to said small child.  I live with my husband who in theory should pay most of the bills but money has become a massive contentious issue and I really want to leave but cannot afford to do so, although have got to the point I cant afford to stay either.

So I have approx £34k (yes thats right L:() of credit card debts over 3 credit cards, all balance transfers have run out so charging me extortionate rates of interest.  I have got to the point this month I dont think I can pay the minimum payments.   I would try and do an SOA but not much can cut back on as dont really spend anything, we just dont have the money to cover the minimum payments on top of all the bills.  

I have massive rows over the debt as if its all my fault but a lot of it is from going away to see his family abroad and him not working or earning each time we do, 4 to 5 weeks at a time for the last 3 yrs.  If I didnt go he would just go anyway and would leave me and my daughter home alone and financially wouldnt make any difference.

At the moment I cant work as if I did all my costs would cover only basic childcare and I have no back up if she is ill etc.  I also need to take a lot of time out for her medical apptmts so its just not practical.  She is booked in for pre-school in september but that is only 15hrs a week.  I do earn some pin money as they say doing some audio typing at home, but that is only when I can fit it in when she naps etc, it only earns say £150 month but at least its mine.

Financially we got here by:-
stupidly borrowing money to give to OH to buy a flat abroad, still not built and all tied up in planning approx £10k
stupidly lending money to OH;s brother who promised to pay it back over 5 or so years, I cant stand him now and only tolerate him at home for my daughter, he makes me so angry over so many things, approx £5k
We got married wedding was cheap as we did a lot ourselves, no honeymoon as got pneumonia and then covid hit, approx £6k
Had a round of IVF £1500
Left my job and my lodger left due to having child and needing space £2k lost per month
Going abroad as mentioned before, prob losing us maybe £10K ish 
2 new cars needed, both second hand but still costs, had to because of stupid ULEZ and needing to commute their for work and medical appts, approx £15k
There is more but was trying to keep this short, sorry!

Good thing we have good equity in the house and only a smallish mortgage so if downsized then could clear mortgage and maybe a tiny bit for debt but that is still up in the air, not mentioned to OH yet.

So right now today my options I think are:-
a) default on credit cards and set up a payment plan, could then prob afford to pay bill and maybe save some to pay of debt eventually
Can you default on 2 cards and still keep 1 if you can pay that one?
b) I did think of downsizing myself and doing a proper split but I cant afford it.   Even if i paid of the mortgage and cleared my debts with house sale i couldnt afford to live, benefits would give me max £800/month to live on for me and daughter and if ex contributed would me even less.  I cant afford that, thats £10k a year, is it realistic??
c) downsize and mover with OH and again be b) but with OH wage.

I just dont know, OH is already talking about going away again to see his family, it just makes me feel sick.

I am also fighting major depression in my life, I need to sign up for counselling, I just cant get my head around it, although I know desperately need it.  I have lost so many people to death in the last 8 yrs its really taken it out of me and most of my support network has been lost.  Plus having my daughter who has medical issues which are ongoing it just never ends.

Thanks for anyone reading its really appreciated.