Abusive relationship

garth549

Hi,

I've not posted here for years... but could do with some advice on my best friend.  Basically she's in a really abusive relationship that I'm desperately trying to get her out of.  She's in her late 20s

She doesn't live with him (yet) thankfully, but he's currently in the process of purchasing his first house - and he expects her to move in with him.  I really fear for her if/when she does this, because this guy is sometimes (but not often) physically abusive... the worst example by far was when he punched her in street and left her unconscious on the pavement after accusing her of cheating.  She left him, got the police involved... but his family pressured her to drop the charges, which she eventually caved in to.  Then, quite unbelievably, she got back together with him several weeks later which devastated her family (and me).

The vast majority of the abuse is verbal and emotional.  Really messed up, despicable stuff that you wouldn't dream of saying to anybody.  For example, if she refuses to sleep with him, he calls her all the disgraceful names under the sun, then blocks her number and ignores her for days, which devastates her.... then out of the blue, he'll call her and act like nothing ever happened.

I managed to get her to cease contact and change her number 12 months ago.... it only lasted 2 days and she was back talking to him again.  This was after they went shopping last December at a retail park, they had an argument... and he just left her there in the snow and ice, with no money and only her phone.  She ended up walking 5 miles home in the ice and snow at 8pm on a Saturday night, which I went ballistic at her for (she knew I was on my work's do so didn't want to ring me).  Seriously this guy is beyond evil.

Her family have basically disowned her now because they are sick of it.  She gets no support whatsoever from them which is really sad, but I kind of understand (this has been going on for years).  I'm basically now her only real friend and all she has apart from this guy (who doesn't know about me).

The crazy thing is - she's incredibly beautiful and has everything going for her... she could have anyone she wanted.  Her boyfriend has absolutely nothing going for him - he has a basic office job, still lives with his mum getting all his food and washing done for him, he has zero conversation or personality, never wants to go out or do anything, sits in his room playing video games (forcing her to be on the phone with him in silence at the same time)... he's overweight and not even remotely good looking...

I don't pretend to understand why she loves him so much or why she will not leave him... I've tried to get her to explain it a million and one ways but I cannot get my head around it.  She says the only way she can explain it is "attachment".  If she doesn't speak with or receive a text from him for more than a few hours, she gets anxious and panic attacks set in, which get worse the longer it goes on.  His behavior has clearly groomed her to be like this.

I regularly ask her questions like - do you want to live with this guy?  Do you want to marry him?  Would you want children with him?  The answer is always a resounding "no"...  So then I point out that you're clearly wasting your time... she agrees but again says she just cannot leave him, but cannot really explain why.

I'm seriously at my wits end and don't know what to do... I'm treading water and going around in circles constantly with her...  I've tried everything I can think of - I get her out as much as possible and meeting my friends/new people, mostly as a distraction (and in the hope she'll meet someone else).  Over summer I told her she's got to choose between this guy, or continuing our friendship, because I just could not watch her throw her life away any more.  She relented and told me she had left him... but she was lying and hadn't.  I found out a couple of months later and I was furious.  So the last few month, all I've felt able to do is be a friend and be there for her.... but it's now too much of a burden - she's phoning me almost every day in tears and as much as I care about her, I just cannot do it any more.

I just know that without me her life will be over. This guy has also been into drugs in the past and has friends in prison.  If I ditch her then I'll be leaving her to a lifetime of absolute misery, and probably worse.

Is there anything more I can do or am I completely wasting my time?  I know a lot will say I'm crazy for being involved in this, or that it's her own fault for staying with him (which I agree with), but its desperately sad because she's such a wonderful, bright, beautiful person - I feel she's worth saving, but I just don't know how.

All I can now think of are drastic measures like taking her phone off her, forcing her to go to some form of counselling (I don't know what though), or going to see one of her brothers (they don't know the full extent of this - they'd be horrified if they did, but it's complicated and delicate for various reasons).  

Any advice much appreciated.

Debbie9009

Hi OP,

unfortunately there is very little you can do other than be there for her, but I do understand why you are feeling you may not be able to continue to do this, you are in a very difficult situation, and I would suggest you make sure you take time for yourself too, especially if you decide to continue to be there for your friend, you will be no use to her if you end up being burnt out by all the support you give, so taking time for yourself is not selfish in anyway.

As to why she stays with him, I’ll tell you a little about why I stayed in an abusive relationship, I’m not saying my reasons are the same as your friends, but maybe it will help.  In my case it was never physical, it was all mental and emotional, he would put me down, make me feel stupid, undermine my confidence in myself, say he had told me things he hadn’t, and said he hadn’t said things he had, and blame it on a medical condition I had, he also hid some of my belongings.  I stayed because I couldn’t see how anyone else would ever want to be with me, and I didn’t want to be on my own.  I also stayed because there were times when he was really lovely to me, and things were great, and I was on such a high, it was very addictive so I put up with the rest.  I told no one how things really were.

I kicked him out when I discovered he had been having affairs for most of the relationship, but then I wanted to get back with him, because I still really didn’t think anyone else would want me, as it happened he didn’t move back in during this time, and I was able to see what he was really like, and found the strength to end it permanently, I was lucky in that I had a lot of support from friends and family.  I also had counselling which really helped.

Being honest, even if friends had known how things really were, it wouldn’t have changed anything, I still would have stayed, it needed me to find a way to leave, and then the support from my friends got me through those first really difficult months

If you think it would help please feel free to show my post to your friend.

Apologies that I can’t give you ways to get your friend out of that situation, if you need to withdraw your support, then you could always still check in with her now and again, and let her know that if she wants to leave the relationship you will be there to help her.

Your friend is very lucky to have such a good friend as yourself, who clearly really cares for her.

Savvy_Sue

Only thing I can add to Debbie's post is to suggest you contact Women's Aid and see if they have other ideas. But you can't make someone leave an abuser, and it's never as simple as it appears to outsiders.

Angelica123

It is so hard watching someone you love go through something like this. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do until she is willing to leave him. She will tell you what you want to hear because she doesn't want to lose your friendship. But she has to get to the point where she is ready to take the step to leave him herself otherwise it won't stick as you have seen every time you have tried to force the issue (it's like trying to force someone with an addiction to quit). I think it is also important to remember that a lot of how abusers work is by eating away at the self esteem/self-confidence of the abused, and by isolating them away from their loved ones. 

I know you are desperate to help her. But issuing ultimatums or trying to take away her phone is emulating the same behaviours to control her that her boyfriend employs. She's ultimately an adult and has the capacity to make decisions for herself, even bad ones. You can't force her to do anything. I think it is also important to remember that often the most dangerous time for women in abusive relationships is around the time when they plan to leave the relationship - it should ideally be done with specialist support (e.g Refuge or Women's Aid). 

The first thing you need to do is establish what your boundaries are going to be. Assuming that nothing changes with her relationship, what kind of friend are you willing to be to her? It sounds like it is taking its toll on you - it is perfectly reasonable (even though it is hard) to decide that you can no longer be the one to take daily phone calls from her in tears. If you decide to continue a friendship with her - then all you can do is remind her that she is someone worthy of love, that she is not alone, and empower her. You can encourage her to seek support from somewhere like Refuge/Woman's Aid or a counsellor/therapist experienced with domestic abuse. It sounds like you could do with specialised support too - a) support for your mental and b) advice from specialists re: how to support loved ones going through this (https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/en/Supporting-a-survivor). Just remember that you cannot change the situation, you cannot control what she does, and you can control is your role in the situation.

She's lucky to have someone in her life who is fighting her corner

Pollycat

You can take a horse to water...
Like alcoholics, gamblers etc there is little you can do until she realises herself that this relationship is no good for her.

Do you think she is dangling you on a string?
Telling you what you want to hear even though it's a lie?
I sense there is some romantic connection on your side for this woman.

Like the poster above, your ultimatums and ideas of controlling her by removing her phone, 'forcing' her to go to counselling are very wrong.

bluelad1927

Pollycat said:

You can take a horse to water...
Like alcoholics, gamblers etc there is little you can do until she realises herself that this relationship is no good for her.

Do you think she is dangling you on a string?
Telling you what you want to hear even though it's a lie?
I sense there is some romantic connection on your side for this woman.

Like the poster above, your ultimatums and ideas of controlling her by removing her phone, 'forcing' her to go to counselling are very wrong.

This is how I'm reading it and while there are clearly some serious issues around the abuse, the overall account seems somewhat skewed

Gavin83

Some people just have terrible taste in partners. Women especially seem attracted to the 'bad boy' and then act surprised when they behave like a bad boy. Men do it too though and I have one friend that springs to mind who just seems to have a series of terrible girlfriends. The unfortunate reality is even if she leaves this relationship it's likely she'll end up in another similar relationship.

Ultimately it's her life and her choice. You can't make these choices for her. You need to stop making ultimatums that you aren't willing to follow through with. If you really can't deal with it then you'll need to follow the path of her family and cut her off. Ultimately the thing you can control here is yourself and your own actions so any stress you're feeling is down to you to control.

Also if there is some level of attraction on your part then you need to understand it's extremely likely it won't be reciprocated. You've clearly been friend zoned and you aren't her type. If you did express your feelings to her then her response would be something along the lines of not wanting to ruin the friendship you've got before she moved onto her next terrible boyfriend.

The more I type the more I'd recommend ditching her. People like that will suck the life out of you.

Spendless

As per previous replies there's nothing you can do except continue to be a friend and leave that line of communication open. My daughter was in a psycholgcal abusive relationship from age 16-18 conducted right under my nose and I wasn't aware. At one point I even took his version of events over daughters - that's how convincing a liar he was. Some time after the relationship was over I asked DD why she hadn't spoken up about what he was doing - her answer was it was difficult for her to understand what she was in when she was in it. If she ever questioned anything, he'd convince her she was wrong. It took her time from being out of the relationship, helped by a geographical separation (due to studies) for her to suddenly realise.

Now you could say that when the abuse is physical how could you not understand, but she may now be of the belief it was her fault, that she antagonised him etc. As to why she goes back you could google 'trauma bonded' for some understand of what may be happening. I totally understand your frustration at the situation but to contemplate taking her phone or insisting she attends counselling  is controlling behaviour towards her which she doesn't need more of. 

elsien

garth549 said:

Hi,

I've not posted here for years... but could do with some advice on my best friend.  Basically she's in a really abusive relationship that I'm desperately trying to get her out of.  She's in her late 20s

She doesn't live with him (yet) thankfully, but he's currently in the process of purchasing his first house - and he expects her to move in with him.  I really fear for her if/when she does this, because this guy is sometimes (but not often) physically abusive... the worst example by far was when he punched her in street and left her unconscious on the pavement after accusing her of cheating.  She left him, got the police involved... but his family pressured her to drop the charges, which she eventually caved in to.  Then, quite unbelievably, she got back together with him several weeks later which devastated her family (and me).

The vast majority of the abuse is verbal and emotional.  Really messed up, despicable stuff that you wouldn't dream of saying to anybody.  For example, if she refuses to sleep with him, he calls her all the disgraceful names under the sun, then blocks her number and ignores her for days, which devastates her.... then out of the blue, he'll call her and act like nothing ever happened.

I managed to get her to cease contact and change her number 12 months ago.... it only lasted 2 days and she was back talking to him again.  This was after they went shopping last December at a retail park, they had an argument... and he just left her there in the snow and ice, with no money and only her phone.  She ended up walking 5 miles home in the ice and snow at 8pm on a Saturday night, which I went ballistic at her for (she knew I was on my work's do so didn't want to ring me).  Seriously this guy is beyond evil.

Her family have basically disowned her now because they are sick of it.  She gets no support whatsoever from them which is really sad, but I kind of understand (this has been going on for years).  I'm basically now her only real friend and all she has apart from this guy (who doesn't know about me).

The crazy thing is - she's incredibly beautiful and has everything going for her... she could have anyone she wanted.  Her boyfriend has absolutely nothing going for him - he has a basic office job, still lives with his mum getting all his food and washing done for him, he has zero conversation or personality, never wants to go out or do anything, sits in his room playing video games (forcing her to be on the phone with him in silence at the same time)... he's overweight and not even remotely good looking...

I don't pretend to understand why she loves him so much or why she will not leave him... I've tried to get her to explain it a million and one ways but I cannot get my head around it.  She says the only way she can explain it is "attachment".  If she doesn't speak with or receive a text from him for more than a few hours, she gets anxious and panic attacks set in, which get worse the longer it goes on.  His behavior has clearly groomed her to be like this.

I regularly ask her questions like - do you want to live with this guy?  Do you want to marry him?  Would you want children with him?  The answer is always a resounding "no"...  So then I point out that you're clearly wasting your time... she agrees but again says she just cannot leave him, but cannot really explain why.

I'm seriously at my wits end and don't know what to do... I'm treading water and going around in circles constantly with her...  I've tried everything I can think of - I get her out as much as possible and meeting my friends/new people, mostly as a distraction (and in the hope she'll meet someone else).  Over summer I told her she's got to choose between this guy, or continuing our friendship, because I just could not watch her throw her life away any more.  She relented and told me she had left him... but she was lying and hadn't.  I found out a couple of months later and I was furious.  So the last few month, all I've felt able to do is be a friend and be there for her.... but it's now too much of a burden - she's phoning me almost every day in tears and as much as I care about her, I just cannot do it any more.

I just know that without me her life will be over. This guy has also been into drugs in the past and has friends in prison.  If I ditch her then I'll be leaving her to a lifetime of absolute misery, and probably worse.

Is there anything more I can do or am I completely wasting my time?  I know a lot will say I'm crazy for being involved in this, or that it's her own fault for staying with him (which I agree with), but its desperately sad because she's such a wonderful, bright, beautiful person - I feel she's worth saving, but I just don't know how.

All I can now think of are drastic measures like taking her phone off her, forcing her to go to some form of counselling (I don't know what though), or going to see one of her brothers (they don't know the full extent of this - they'd be horrified if they did, but it's complicated and delicate for various reasons).  

Any advice much appreciated.

These bits jumped out of me as well.

You are not responsible for her choices.
You need to put some boundaries in place around her contact with you and then maintain them. 
You need to not get drawn into being her knight in shining armour who is going to save the day because that’s not going to happen. 

You need to not consider measures that are just as coercive as that which her boyfriend is doing, such as trying to take her phone

She will leave him when she is ready. If she ever is. You can point her at the relevant agencies. You can be there as a friend.

But being a friend doesn’t mean picking up the phone at all hours of the day and night to listen to her complain about him when she keeps going back. 

So yet again:
You are not responsible for her choices. You are not responsible for her lack of other friends.
 You cannot force her to change and you should not try to do so. 
it is her decision as to who she tells, and when. Anything more than that is removing any agency from her that she may still have.

Slinky

It sounds as though not only is this man controlling her life, he is also controlling yours OP.  

I suspect that you are hoping that you will be with your friend at some point. Is this stopping you having a loving relationship of your own? Time to step back and get on with  living your own life.