How do we respond to that??

poppyscorner

Evening all,

I am hoping for some advice on a problem I posted a while ago here the whole thread is on this link http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.html?t=481366&highlight=its+a+little+bit+complicated

In case you don't want to read the whole thread the jist of it was that my mums sisters husband sexually abused myself and my sister at a young age we later found out it was a crime he had commited before and had served time in prison for it he had a daughter with mums sister and whilst my gran was alive did not live with them but as soon as she died he had moved back and my mum worried for her welfare had reported this to social services.

The whole situation practically exploded at the time of my posting Social services got involved and he was ordered to move out of the family home and warned if he was found to be there my cousin would be taken in to care immediately SS were keeping a regular check on this.

In the meantime following the advice of some of you I found my cousin on Myspace I was not a member of that site and actually hate it but I joined and sent her a friend request which she accepted and we chatted it was fairly strained but she made no mention of her parents however there is a pic of them together on her profile and I never made mention of them either my sister also got in touch with her and they have been exchanging text messages.

Her profile is made up of praise for her dad and how much she loves him no mention of mum and if you read it it seems a bit odd.

Anyway yesterday my mum received a letter in the post from my cousin which accuses my mum of ruining her life she says she hates her and she has no business interfearing with her life her dad is a wonderful man (again no mention of mum) and she worships him she is going to work with him when she is older etc etc she tried to kill herself because she thinks she is fat (exactly what I did at her age after he had done his thing) She is demanding answers and wants my mum to tell her why we had a family discussion about it yesterday and basically the ideas that got thrown around were 1) mum arranges to meet her and tells the truth 2) she speaks to the SW about it or 3) we leave her in the dark to why and do not respond at all.

The trouble with 1) is that if her mental state is not good then what will she do. I still suspect she has been abused too but what if she hasn't to hear that about your father would be devastating news and if she has been abused it should come as no suprise.

I know it is not strictly moneysaving but I don't really know who to ask.

Thanks for any help you can offer
Poppy x

devils_advocate

Firstly, how old is your cousin?

My gut reaction to this is that whatever has happened or will happen, your cousin needs some form of professional help - if she's been abused, she'll certainly need it, and if not, she'll need some help in coming to terms with what her father has done.

Overall, this can't really come from you or the family, as firstly you're too close to the situation, and secondly, you don't have the depth of experience to do it properly. (sorry, don't want that to sound insulting to you!)

THe telling of your cousin is intricately tied up with her need for help, so rather than saying something yourself, I suggest that you explain everything to social services, and also mention your concerns about self harming (or worse)!

Miss_Kitty_Fantastico

I'm not an expert by any means but I did spend quite a few years working with both kids and adults with severe and enduring mental health difficulties.

My advice would be to speak to the social worker - if your mum speaks to her and then comes away - she will be very vulnerable and have no support.

The social worker should be able to suggest a way forward that would allow the family to discuss the issues but in a way that ensures that your cousin gets the necessary support to deal with the information she has been given.

To drop a bombshell and then leave her to deal with it independently could have disastrous consequences for everyone.

I hope that helps - i am sending loads of hugs - it is a terrible situation for your family to find itself in.

x

bestpud

That's a difficult one.

My thoughts are to speak with a social worker first though.

If your mum were to write then the letter may be intercepted anyway and if she meets her, there will be no support for your cousin if it all turns out badly.

It just seems safer to contact SS first.

I hope it works out ok for all of you.

Take care,

Bestpud

fsdss

i agree with the above posters. your mum should not be the person to answer the questions to your cousin. i would speak to the duty social worker in the morning and get some advice

belfastgirl23

I think your mum should answer the questions eventually but in the presence of a trained worker. How about some of the charities that deal with this? I know we have NEXUS here in Northern Ireland but if you search for child abuse charities you should find something....just a suggestion in case social services don't feel right.

God I can't imagine being in this situation. And having to face it all over again with your cousin. You've been incredibly brave and well done on that. I hope it all goes well for you.

JoJoB

This is heading into dangerous territory and unfiortunately it is the case that some people cannot handle the truth and will not accept the truth even if hard evidence is presented to them, it is simply to dangerous to them psychologically to accept it. This is very difficult for those who know the truth and have gone through all the difficult time coming to terms with it.

My husband went through the same thing with his family. It is 99% certain his sister was abused, as well as him by a family member (who is now dead). His sister, however, refuses to discuss the subject and flies into a rage and accuses him of lying if it is ever brought up. This denial is unfortunately making her very unhappy and angry in life generally, as she is working so hard at maintaining this idea in her head of the perfect family - wheareas the reality is that the family is splintered, and half of them seem to have suffered some sort of abuse. Even my husband's father was initially angry about the accusations, couldn't believe that something like this had happened. However, after the initial explosion he realised that there was always something "not right" about the person in question - and there had been similar accusations before that my husband had not known about. My husband's mother was also abused by the same man - with the result that she drank herself to death a few years ago.

My husband and his sister have reached an uneasy arrangement - they simply don't talk about the subject. This is difficult for him but he can see she will have a breakdown if he forces things, but also is heading the same way as his mother because of the emotional energy such denial demands. The same may be true of your cousin. The only way she can keep the ideal of her father, the ideal she needs to have for her own mental wellbeing, is to demonise everyone else who is telling the truth.

She needs to be handled very carefully and with great compassion at the moment and a professional mediator/counsellor should be involved in any meeting IMO. There needs to be some sort of safety net.