Splitting finances fairly

DaniB73

We have been in a relationship for 16 years, not married, one child 13. Relationship is pretty crappy.

He has property and shares - value close to £1 Million if all cashed in. 

He lives off the rent of London Property. We lived there mortgage free until 2021 and he paid bills and I paid for food & other expenses. He now collects the rent as personal income.

We moved to a rented cottage in the countryside.

I am paying all the rent and food. He pays bills. I am paying more than double his share.

When he runs out of money he dips into money from the business account, rather than dipping into his shares.

We have a small business that I do 95% of the work and want the account to build up and invest into back into it.

I work and have a higher income but zero assets or savings. 

Is it fair that I pay so much? I have nothing to fall back on and he has everything. We are not married and despite 16 years, a child and me financially contributing more than 50% - I am entitled to nothing. 

I have now gone into debt covering the rent and bills. I had 10K in the bank when we moved to the countryside and am now £4K in debt - he says he can't contribute more as he has no money and doesn't want to spend his savings. 

His mother gave him £11K ISA - he spent some on buying family furniture being auctioned but the rest has been added to his pile of cash while I get more in debt and continue contributing more than him.

It feels incredibly unfair. 

Should I be paying so much when he has so much more? I'm now feeling a lot of resentment. 

LightFlare

I guess from his point of view - he effectively paid the rent until 2021 - now its your turn

Brie

LightFlare said:

I guess from his point of view - he effectively paid the rent until 2021 - now its your turn

Wow! So the paying for food and everything else doesn't count I guess?

I'd be having a serious chat if the mismatch on financial contribution is building his stash and putting you into debt.  

_Penny_Dreadful

Brie said:

LightFlare said:

I guess from his point of view - he effectively paid the rent until 2021 - now its your turn

Wow! So the paying for food and everything else doesn't count I guess?

I'd be having a serious chat if the mismatch on financial contribution is building his stash and putting you into debt.  

The OP didn’t pay for food and everything else as the parter also paid the bills at the London property. The partner now pays the bills whilst the OP pays rent and food. 

DaniB73

LightFlare said:

I guess from his point of view - he effectively paid the rent until 2021 - now its your turn

It was mortgage free, thanks to inherited money. I contributed financially to the rest of our lives as well as 90% domestic labour / childcare and setting up our small business. 

Devongardener

What does he do with the rent from his property? 

 Obviously you need to have a calm discussion with the aim of setting up a joint account for rent, food and the general costs of living together.   You should both contribute equally to the account.  If he needs to dip into savings then so be it, you have used yours and more.   What would he do if was living alone?

elsien

I do have to ask given that you say it’s a pretty crappy relationship, do you want to stay with him?

_Penny_Dreadful

DaniB73 said:

We have been in a relationship for 16 years, not married, one child 13. Relationship is pretty crappy.

He has property and shares - value close to £1 Million if all cashed in. 

He lives off the rent of London Property. We lived there mortgage free until 2021 and he paid bills and I paid for food & other expenses. He now collects the rent as personal income.

We moved to a rented cottage in the countryside.

I am paying all the rent and food. He pays bills. I am paying more than double his share.

When he runs out of money he dips into money from the business account, rather than dipping into his shares.

We have a small business that I do 95% of the work and want the account to build up and invest into back into it.

I work and have a higher income but zero assets or savings. 

Is it fair that I pay so much? I have nothing to fall back on and he has everything. We are not married and despite 16 years, a child and me financially contributing more than 50% - I am entitled to nothing. 

I have now gone into debt covering the rent and bills. I had 10K in the bank when we moved to the countryside and am now £4K in debt - he says he can't contribute more as he has no money and doesn't want to spend his savings. 

His mother gave him £11K ISA - he spent some on buying family furniture being auctioned but the rest has been added to his pile of cash while I get more in debt and continue contributing more than him.

It feels incredibly unfair. 

Should I be paying so much when he has so much more? I'm now feeling a lot of resentment. 

It does sound like you’ve only started contributing more than 50% as of 2021 so prior to that was your partner the one contributing more than 50%? 

Have you ever made any financial contribution to the London property? For example, helping to pay a mortgage or funding capital improvements to the property? 

It is concerning that your partner is dipping into the business account for personal spending. Is there a way to put a stop to that such as requiring both signatures to withdraw money from the business account?

You might be feeling hard done by but this is what can happen when you decide not to get married. Marriage is a legally binding contract which would have left you in a more position financially but as you chose not to get married you’ll be entitled to next to nothing should you separate. 

LightFlare

DaniB73 said:

LightFlare said:

I guess from his point of view - he effectively paid the rent until 2021 - now its your turn

It was mortgage free, thanks to inherited money. I contributed financially to the rest of our lives as well as 90% domestic labour / childcare and setting up our small business. 

whilst it was mortgage free though - not only was he losing out on income (rent) but you were also not contributing to that aspect of the household finances.

I suspect the current situation has been years in the making and may never be resolved to both of yours satisfaction

lr1277

Regarding the bank account and should the relationship go south.

If he is already a joint account holder, you will need to both sign to remove somebod from the joint account or even to close it.

If he isn't a joint account holder, thiink about the above point before making him a joint account holder.

gwynlas

Sorry to be harsh but why have you not sought the security of marriage? At the moment you have no financial security, no job security and a child to support . Only you can decide what to do but there is no joy in living in a crappy relationship.