40 years old and friendless

muddlingmywaythrough

I am 40 years old and completely friendless. I haven't had friends since leaving secondary school and even they weren't 'good' friends so there's no one I would really want to get back in touch with. I have had acquaintances etc when I've worked who I get on well with but since having to give up work when my youngest was born (we couldn't afford childcare for 2 children so I won't be able to return to work until youngest starts secondary school in 2 years time) I've lost those connections too. All the people I worked with were really nice but not the type I would meet up with outside of work. I can have a chat with other mums at school pickup and it's fine but other than both having kids I don't have anything in common with them.

I don't know what I've done wrong or how to meet new people or remedy the situation. Due to managing on one wage at home I can't really afford clubs etc to meet new people (and tbh there isn't much available in my area). I just don't know what to do and I feel so lonely all the time. I'm also a carer for someone I know which takes up a lot of my time and while I don't mind that, the lady I care for suffers from depression which in turn gets me down. I considered volunteering but due to my caring responsibilities I don't have the time.

I joined fb recently and really wish I hadn't once I'd had a nosy at what old school mates were up to and I found it so depressing - I know that a lot of what goes on fb is fake and false etc etc but you can't fake photos of nights out with friends or similar. I have never had a night out with friends - ever.

I feel so low all the time and don't know what to do. 

silvercar

You can absolutely create a false life on Facebook. I know of someone contemplating divorce with a Facebook that shows the couple out on date nights regularly. 

Could you find a part time job within school hours? Is there a school PTA where you could help out and meet people?

prettyandfluffy

Have a look at the notice board at your local library or village hall, there are usually plenty of low cost or free activities which would get you out and meeting people.  FB can be quite toxic, do bear in mind that many people use it to portray a lifestyle that bears little resemblance to reality.

sammyjammy

Why not work on the school mums a bit more.  How do you know you've nothing in common?  They might be just as lonely as you.  

I see some mums that come to my local coffee shop after school drop off a few times a week, they don't seem particularly close, chat about the kids and school mostly, they have a coffee and a natter and go their separate ways.  Maybe start with some acquaintances like that and you never know you might just find a kindred spirit out there.  Do you have siblings or cousins locally?

JGB1955

Could you try WI?  It's not just for 'older' people and the first meeting is free.  At the ripe old age of 68 I've recently struck up friendships with two other 'ladies' who go to our local Aqua aerobics class, although I recognise there is a cost implication there.  Local ramblers group?... you don't have to have eye contact with the others - just walk alongside them!  You may be surprised where friendships can flourish.

x_raphael_xx

I'm aproaching 40 and I have 1 person I call my friend. I have lots of people I get on with at work, but only one person I trust wholeheartedly.
How are you with technology and message boards? Discord started as a gaming server, but now has all sorts of groups for every hobby and interest.

oldernonethewiser

Have you looked on meetup.com to see if there are any local groups that might interest you?

Delete Facebook if viewing it depresses you, no need for it.  And you can fake photos in all sorts of ways and people do.

DigSunPap

You could maybe try a new hobby. It doesn't even have to be anything that costs money either, such as a walking club etc. Its a good way to meet people especially in your area.

Richard1212

The original post raises so many very personal issues so I'm sorry to pry into, and comment on, personal matters ---and of course , please just ignore my post if you wish, and accept my apologies for trying to answer your post in the way I am doing so.

You don't mention a man in your life----and I am assuming that , as you stay at home to look after the school run and act as a carer, you seem to have an unmentioned husband/partner ( ???) who earns a decent salary if you have a car for the school run ( unless you drop him off at a train station etc). Does he never want to go out for a meal or to cinema/theatre ? Do you go on holiday as a family and do you enjoy life in evenings and at weekends when you have husband and family around you ? Are friends absolutely necessary ?

My best friend for most of my adult life has been my wife. For you, does that apply to your husband ? Do you talk to him about your unhappiness and, if so, does he actively try to help ?

Since early days, before and after children arrived,my wife and I have liked restaurant meals and UK hotel/ foreign cities weekend getaways, not all the time but say about once a week for the former and once every couple of months for the latter (so we were bringing up our children most of the time whilst still going out, often with friends  ----in early days grandparents loved looking after the children ( and the children loved it too) while we went out ( sometimes just the two of us, sometimes with friends/acquaintances from work or neighbourhood). And always a 3 week family holiday every year ( usually just my wife and I  and the kids).The "kids" have been through Uni since then, still talk a lot about a happy childhood, and have happy work , home life and our lovely grandchildren. 

It seems as though you have been a "loner" all your life. Many people are like that, and it's fine if they are happy. But you are not happy, as you say, so you have to take a good look at how to make things better. Do you get happiness from your husband and children ? Is it just during the day when you feel sad ?  Would friends help your sadness ? If you think so, and if you are an unpaid carer, you could make time for a part-time job from morning to mid afternoon----and there are plenty of such jobs ( especially as receptionists in all sorts of health centres and businesses of all kinds ;  there are supermarkets always looking for staff, there are endless sources of part-time jobs). It may be that you merely need to see more people and, if friendships form from that, all the better. You certainly have more opportunity to make friends in a workplace. So perhaps the carer's role , especially as you say makes you far more depressed, should be re-evaluated ? Do you need to add to your sadness/depression by continuing the carer role ?

Do you feel clinical depression or a general "state of the blues"---if the former , you should perhaps think of medical help and therapy.

Such a very personal and private subject must be very difficult for you to talk about in public----and very difficult for anyone to try and make suggestions which may be of help. Please excuse my feeble attempt to try and raise a few issues and questions to perhaps widen the discussion, and my apologies to O/P for talking of such personal and intimate matters, but the O/P asked for the views of this forum. I wish the O/P all the very best and support her for "muddlingmythrough" as so many of us do from time to time. 

Bazzalona13295

muddlingmywaythrough said:

I am 40 years old and completely friendless. I haven't had friends since leaving secondary school and even they weren't 'good' friends so there's no one I would really want to get back in touch with. I have had acquaintances etc when I've worked who I get on well with but since having to give up work when my youngest was born (we couldn't afford childcare for 2 children so I won't be able to return to work until youngest starts secondary school in 2 years time) I've lost those connections too. All the people I worked with were really nice but not the type I would meet up with outside of work. I can have a chat with other mums at school pickup and it's fine but other than both having kids I don't have anything in common with them.

I don't know what I've done wrong or how to meet new people or remedy the situation. Due to managing on one wage at home I can't really afford clubs etc to meet new people (and tbh there isn't much available in my area). I just don't know what to do and I feel so lonely all the time. I'm also a carer for someone I know which takes up a lot of my time and while I don't mind that, the lady I care for suffers from depression which in turn gets me down. I considered volunteering but due to my caring responsibilities I don't have the time.

I joined fb recently and really wish I hadn't once I'd had a nosy at what old school mates were up to and I found it so depressing - I know that a lot of what goes on fb is fake and false etc etc but you can't fake photos of nights out with friends or similar. I have never had a night out with friends - ever.

I feel so low all the time and don't know what to do. 

Firstly I really hope all the kind suggestions on here work for you and that you get out more and make a new happier social life. The FB thing really resonates with me - I don't go on too much anyway (and this I admit is pretty contradictory) but seeing the same inane grinning faces round a pub table makes me glad I'm not with them but annoyed at the same time that I'm not out more with people I WANT to see.

Some photos whilst genuine also convey an image that isn't particularly true, like a work night out where half the people can't stand each other (I speak from experience) yet when a camera phone appears all hug and kiss like Strictly contestants on acid.

Don't base an idea of 'happiness' on that.

Still, there are always ways to improve your social life and meet people, whether it be a shared interest group, some of the Moms you chat with, where there is a will there's a way.

All the best, hopefully you can keep us updated.

Cherryfudge

I wonder if there's a carers' group near you? Even if you aren't feeling a need of support to be a carer, it could be a way to meet new people and perhaps be a friend to others, and out of that could come real friendship.

I think the focus on getting friends can itself sometimes get in the way of finding them - it takes time. Be trustworthy, be thoughtful, be polite and so forth; take an interest in others, follow up on any bits you learn. So for instance they went on holiday - ask about it, not just 'Did you enjoy your holiday' but had they been there before, was it a good place for the children, etc. You get the picture? Pay genuine compliments, ask for advice (people like to be asked!) You seem to have those socialising skills but it can take time and effort to get deeper. Meanwhile enjoy your contacts at the level you have: it can take a long time to get closer to people.

And come and chat on these boards, plenty of people make friends this way!

Good luck with it all, it's not easy but 'if you want a friend, be one', as they say. And come back to let us know how it's going.