We'd like to remind Forumites to please avoid political debate on the Forum. This is to keep it a safe and useful space for MoneySaving discussions. Threads that are - or become - political in nature may be removed in line with the Forum’s rules. Thank you for your understanding.

Elderly relative asking for advice

Options
124»

Comments

  • Rollinghome
    Rollinghome Posts: 2,684 Forumite
    Name Dropper First Post First Anniversary
    edited 17 June 2023 at 6:09PM
    Options
    artyboy said:
    Your complaint seems to be that your wife's parents have plenty of money but aren't giving as much to you and your family as you feel entitled to. Even worse, when they pop their clogs, you again might not get as much of this large sum of money as you'd like.

    To top it all, your wife might have to spend a few hours sorting out the probate because you'd rather not pay a solicitor. Have you made your grievances known to them, and if so, what did they say?

    You do realise if the money is theirs, then it's for them to decide what to do with it. There may be a very good reason why they have not chosen you, your wife or her siblings to be executors.

    You could resolve all your woes if you persuaded them to give the bulk of their money to a charity of their choice, who can typically take care of all the formalities, and just leave the amount below the IHT limit to their greedy off-spring.  No IHT to be paid and over-worked wife problem solved.  Of course, you might not get as much as you want or feel entitled to.

    Alternatively, you could concentrate on offering a few suggestions on how to enjoy their money within their lifetime, perhaps including the pleasure of seeing their money used well by their favoured charities
    Okaaay. Well I've been extraordinarily patient with you but frankly I'm done. No idea if you are intentionally trolling me or you just have a bee in your bonnet because you don't have a sufficiently supportive family of your own, but either way I'm not going to further dignify this twaddle with a response.
    Well you do seem to have given a response  - albeit to my reply to the poster above, i.e. bompey.

    I'm sorry, I didn't bother with a reply to your previous post. You decided you no longer needed to persuade them to make a will, Q1, and as the "financially savvy" person you say you are, you shouldn't require advice from strangers on how to minimise IHT, Q2.

    We are grateful for having a very supportive family should we need it, as we are to them.  We feel especially blessed that it would never occur to any one of them to tell us how to spend our money, or to suggest how to organise our lives in order to maximise the sum they inherit. They all know that a large proportion will go to a charity of which I was a trustee for many years and are more than happy with that. You may have been brought up differently.

  • bompey
    bompey Posts: 38 Forumite
    First Anniversary First Post
    Options
    bompey said:

     It is a very similar position to my in laws although they do at least have a will, but it is from the 1970s. The executors are the same generation as the in laws (I.e. also approaching 80) rather than their children who are now in their 50s and far more capable.

    Is your assessment of relative capability based on actual evidence, or merely on their ages? It's not a good idea to have executors of the same generation when you reach your 80s, for the obvious reason that they may pre decease you. However, I know many 80 year olds who are far more capable than lots of 50 year olds.
    It’s more that the will was written back in the 70s when the children (my wife and sibling) were < 10yrs old and the executors now have very little contact with my in laws, compared to their daughters. 
    I have also seen people pre decease their parents and depending on how the will is written it may then exclude one whole side of the family which is probably not what is meant , but could happen. I just want them to update things and make it easy to resolve which is likely to fall on my wife. Can’t understand why they won’t update things to be current.


  • Keep_pedalling
    Keep_pedalling Posts: 17,238 Forumite
    First Anniversary First Post Name Dropper Photogenic
    Options
    Brie said:
    Another thing to think about is a living will.  We did this with my mom having had a frank discussion between her and all us siblings.  How does she want her life to continue, what would she want if she was severely ill and in hospital having had a stroke etc, when her life ends what would she want as a way to celebrate her life etc etc etc.  Mom is very stubborn and flippant at times  with a "I'm going to live forever and if I do go I'm taking it all with me" kind of attitude so we knew we had to get some decent answers from her.  

    Easy things to do too - getting third party authority on the bank accounts so that when it gets to the point that managing them is more awkward (can't get to the branch etc) then you/someone can assist.  Going joint on them might be a step too far but is another possibility.  In their "living will" document they can state that it remains their money for them to use and make decisions on but that they recognise assistance may be required at some future date.  Also a simple "letter of authority" which would allow you/someone to help liaise with their utility providers etc would be handy.  These things can be put in place at no expense and relatively quickly and easily compared to getting LPAs in place.
    Sorry but this is poor advice these things do not compare to a LPA especially for finance, where you may need to deal with something like a house sale for someone who has lost mental capacity. 3rd party authorities are only suitable for an account holder who still has their mental faculties you can’t legally use them if the account holder loses their mental capacity.
  • Keep_pedalling
    Keep_pedalling Posts: 17,238 Forumite
    First Anniversary First Post Name Dropper Photogenic
    Options
    bompey said:
    I sympathise with your position. It is a very similar position to my in laws although they do at least have a will, but it is from the 1970s. The executors are the same generation as the in laws (I.e. also approaching 80) rather than their children who are now in their 50s and far more capable.
    They are super frugal to the point of not giving Christmas and birthday gifts to any of their children and grandchildren despite having v good relationships with them, but will leave an eye watering IHT bill. There are many savings accounts with smallish pots all over the place and although they will chase savings rates they refuse to engage in any attempts to simplify their pots and reduce IHT. This will eventually fall to my wife to deal with.
    A will made in the 1970s could be worse than having no will at all. Apart from the executor issue many old wills have obsolete clauses in them that may have the opposite effect than intended. Many have NRB trust clauses to reduce IHT but since the transferable NRB came in not only won’t do that but in the long run could actually cost more in IHT. 

    I think the term you were looking for was miserly not super frugal😡
  • artyboy
    artyboy Posts: 1,071 Forumite
    First Post First Anniversary Name Dropper
    Options
    bompey said:
    I sympathise with your position. It is a very similar position to my in laws although they do at least have a will, but it is from the 1970s. The executors are the same generation as the in laws (I.e. also approaching 80) rather than their children who are now in their 50s and far more capable.
    They are super frugal to the point of not giving Christmas and birthday gifts to any of their children and grandchildren despite having v good relationships with them, but will leave an eye watering IHT bill. There are many savings accounts with smallish pots all over the place and although they will chase savings rates they refuse to engage in any attempts to simplify their pots and reduce IHT. This will eventually fall to my wife to deal with.
    That's a pretty extreme case and I feel for you. In my case, the individual has just let things drift - and recognises the fact - and is not being deliberately awkward so as to create problems for others in the future. 

    There are those - apparently - that would say that's 100% their decision and how dare anyone else even gently suggest alternative ways of doing things. But in your case it sounds like you really have hit a brick wall and it's an administration headache that will just have to be faced in the future. All the best.
  • bompey
    bompey Posts: 38 Forumite
    First Anniversary First Post
    Options
    artyboy said:
    bompey said:
    I sympathise with your position. It is a very similar position to my in laws although they do at least have a will, but it is from the 1970s. The executors are the same generation as the in laws (I.e. also approaching 80) rather than their children who are now in their 50s and far more capable.
    They are super frugal to the point of not giving Christmas and birthday gifts to any of their children and grandchildren despite having v good relationships with them, but will leave an eye watering IHT bill. There are many savings accounts with smallish pots all over the place and although they will chase savings rates they refuse to engage in any attempts to simplify their pots and reduce IHT. This will eventually fall to my wife to deal with.
    That's a pretty extreme case and I feel for you. In my case, the individual has just let things drift - and recognises the fact - and is not being deliberately awkward so as to create problems for others in the future. 

    There are those - apparently - that would say that's 100% their decision and how dare anyone else even gently suggest alternative ways of doing things. But in your case it sounds like you really have hit a brick wall and it's an administration headache that will just have to be faced in the future. All the best.
    Thanks. Hitting a brick wall just about sums it up.
  • Afourteen
    Afourteen Posts: 93 Forumite
    First Anniversary First Post
    Options
    Do get the LPA's in place. I had a difficult problem when a late relative went into hospital and they were not fit to return home. As the relative didn't have the LPA's in place I couldn't discuss their treatment or fight what the authorities were planning with their wealth. Persuade them to use a solicitor to help - maybe they will convince them that a will is necessary and important.

Meet your Ambassadors

Categories

  • All Categories
  • 344.7K Banking & Borrowing
  • 250.6K Reduce Debt & Boost Income
  • 450.4K Spending & Discounts
  • 236.9K Work, Benefits & Business
  • 610.8K Mortgages, Homes & Bills
  • 173.9K Life & Family
  • 249.7K Travel & Transport
  • 1.5M Hobbies & Leisure
  • 15.9K Discuss & Feedback
  • 15.1K Coronavirus Support Boards