My mum can't make financial decisions for herself, please give some advice

Taz174

I need some advice and I’ll try to keep this short.

My mum and dad have a relationship where my dad is controlling. I won’t go into too many details but her social group doesn’t exist, she doesn’t wash, she doesn’t tidy, she doesn’t have a clue what’s going on and my dad likes it that way.

The family home was meant to go to my mum in a court settlement, but my mum was too scared to face my dad. It would have taken 1 last visit (1 form, I forget the name), to get it signed over but it never happened. This was to prevent the house being taken, as my dad had gone bankrupt and had to declare no financial interest in the house.

A few years later, my mums parents passed away, leaving her with a lump sum, which she put into the mortgage. There was still an outstanding amount on the mortgage, and my mum has ended up paying this. She doesn’t have access to her bank accounts (doesn’t know the login details). I don't know who does. My dad has paid very little, if anything, towards the amount that was due. It was interest only, so there was a lot left on it (around 70k, or something around that figure). He's made my mum feel like she owes him. He paid no maintenance to 3 kids, times that by 18 years and it's more than the house was worth.

Now, I am 100% convinced mum isn’t making the decisions out of her own free will, and my dad is controlling and coercive. He keeps her in this bubble she can’t escape from. My mum consults my dad on everything, and my mum has turned on all her kids.

The mortgage has been paid off and immediately my dad is getting quotes for equity release. My mum is not in any state to make a decision like this. She also isn't on the letters my dad is getting, but I know they'll need my mum to agree if it came down to it.

My dad had so little input in our lives growing up, it makes me sick he’ll get away with this, and I need to know what to do, who to report it to, and I’ll get it done in a fell swoop. He's got my mum into a position she has nobody to speak to. He's manipulative, verging on a psychiopath and whilst there were signs this would happen, I never really expected it to come to this.

Thanks

tacpot12

Where does your father live and how did the mortgage get paid off?

If they are living together, I'm not sure there is much you can do, other than try to stay in touch with your mum and offer her support. I would also be careful in thinking that you understand whether your mother is making decisions for herself or not. I don't think it would be easy to be sure about the situation if you are not in regular contact with her, and it sounds like this is being prevented.

You might research how other people have learned that they are in controlling relationship, and see if you can pass your mum some information that would help her realise that there are options if she wants to take them. But you can't decide what is best for her. Only she can do that, and she might make a choice that you would not make. This is her perogative. 

Annisele

This is such a tough situation. I'd love to be able to just say "coercive control is a criminal offence now, go to the police and they'll sort it out" - but sadly it's much more complicated than that.

There are a bunch of charities that can provide targeted help to both you and your mum. You could try Women's Aid for starters, but there are many more (that link mainly aimed at people who still live at home, but I think it still has lots of useful information).

powerspowers

What a stressful situation for you. I don’t have any advice but wanted to share some resources at https://survivingeconomicabuse.org/i-need-help/ which might be useful 

Taz174

tacpot12 said:

Where does your father live and how did the mortgage get paid off?

If they are living together, I'm not sure there is much you can do, other than try to stay in touch with your mum and offer her support. I would also be careful in thinking that you understand whether your mother is making decisions for herself or not. I don't think it would be easy to be sure about the situation if you are not in regular contact with her, and it sounds like this is being prevented.

You might research how other people have learned that they are in controlling relationship, and see if you can pass your mum some information that would help her realise that there are options if she wants to take them. But you can't decide what is best for her. Only she can do that, and she might make a choice that you would not make. This is her perogative. 

My dad lives locally, but not in the same house.

I live closeby, so I'm well aware of how the relationship has developed over the years. I have spoken to my mum and she does consider my dad controlling. One of my siblings still lives there, and can see firsthand what's going on.

I do understand I can't change what she does, I just want to protect her should she ever be pushed into a situation she hasn't made with full understanding of what's going on.

thegreenone

Can you/sibling take Mum to the bank and explain that she does not have access to her accounts?  Mum may clam up but you could get the bank to put an alert on her account and track the IP address (not sure if possible).  If he was bankrupt, is he using Mum's accounts because he couldn't get his own?

Can you/sibling do LPA for your Mum and take over at least the money side but Health would be good too, by the sounds of it?

Can that one last form still be done?  Could a solicitor do it on Mum's behalf?

Sorry, clutching at straws for suggestions.  Gobsmacked that Dad has this control when they don't even live in the same house.  I do hope you can release Mum from his clutches.

sheramber

Does your mother want anything to change? 

 If not, there is nothing you can do.