Bad decisions and secret debt

LostInDebt23

I have been a quiet observer around here for a little while now but I have finally decided to take the plunge and post because I am at a complete loss.

I have 6 credit cards totaling around £70K which I accumulated over the past 9 years. I made big mistakes with trying to solve high-interest AMEX debt with balance transfer cards and have ended up making everything worse with the amount of interest. I do suffer with what I think is anxiety and I have been worried for some time that I may have some sort of spending addiction but again, I'm too afraid to admit it or get help. 

I've kept this hidden from my husband and daughter. I'm now at the stage where I have to tell him as it's become impossible to continue to hide it. I've been making payments on all of them and have never defaulted but essentially I am robbing Peter to pay Paul. My husband is in the dark, when we do the finances for budgeting I calculate what 'should' be there without including the CC payments as outgoings. I know everything I've done is such a massive mistake but I've been too ashamed to say anything about what has happened - I felt it was a problem of my creating that I needed to handle on my own.

Today, he asked me to transfer £11k to his personal account so he didn't have to take it out of the company account. Quite simply the money isn't there, even though he thinks my bank balance is healthy based on what I have been telling him. So now, I have to tell him what reality is - I know I've made my own bed here and I feel physically sick on how he may respond, but I am so worried. 

I just feel so lost. I can't continue like this - if anyone has any advice I would be so grateful

poppy811

So sorry but I think you have no option but to tell him but maybe with a plan as how to reduce what you owe.  Better to be honest but with a plan is always better than just dumping it on the other person.  Others will be along with advice but will follow your progress

Wonka_2

Been there, done that albeit with slightly less but the equivalent of my annual net income.

Came clean (and that was a tough evening) then set about planning.

We were lucky at the time that mortgage rates were low and managed to get a 10yr fix that took us to end of mortgage period and gave us stability to plan everything else.

4 years in now and all still going to plan, despite inflation/cost of living, and saving enough to allow some treats (not on credit cards  )

Good luck - and please don't put off the inevitable - it won't go away 

LostInDebt23

Thank you for your replies, I want and need to do something but hiding it has just made everything feel a million times worse. I've gone through every possible worst scenario in my head.

He's away at the moment for work until tomorrow - I've wanted to say something for a while but I can't get the words out. Now I'm faced with telling him over the phone. i thought about writing it all down but I don't know if that's worse or better. I think he suspects something is wrong, I was really distant when he called earlier - I don't know how to stay calm about it, every time I think about it I feel rising panic and crying. 

Wonka_2

As someone who works remotely this is not a conversation you want to be having over the phone - but it appears to have come to crunch point if you suspect he's aware something's wrong - and if that's the case then, IMO, honesty/over the phone is the lesser of two evils

LostInDebt23

Wonka_2 said:

As someone who works remotely this is not a conversation you want to be having over the phone - but it appears to have come to crunch point if you suspect he's aware something's wrong - and if that's the case then, IMO, honesty/over the phone is the lesser of two evils

I agree, I would really prefer not to do it over the phone - my instinct is to try and hold off until tomorrow evening when he gets home. I know in myself I can't hide/lie anymore so it may just be me trying to buy myself more time. 

enthusiasticsaver

Just remember every debt problem has a solution and unsecured debt does not jeopardise your home and there is little they can do.  Putting myself in your position I think I would want a plan to put in front of him whilst telling him and I agree you should not hold off on telling him.  If you are robbing Peter to pay Paul and still using credit to live off then you must be coming close to defaults and he will find out anyway. Post an SOA (there is a link in my signature) and/or contact stepchange who are a free debt charity. 

Wonka_2

@LostInDebt23 just wondering how things went with the conversation and moving forwards ? 

WinterWarrior

extra extra good luck. There’s a solution to every problem.