Not sure what to do and struggling a lot.

kimwp

I'm sorry that you are not getting the help you need with your mental health.

I think you should stop thinking of yourself as a novice cook. A lot of the cooking that most people do is chopping, stirring and keeping an eye on things, which you've proven you can do with the hello fresh. There are loads of recipes on the internet, there will be people advising on how to turn leftovers into the next meal and if you don't want to have lots of spice jars, you can try to stick to one cuisine for a bit (or alternatively use something like simply cook, which just provides the seasonings). You should be proud that you have overcome the first step and move to the second one of buying the individual ingredients. If you plan your week, you can get the groceries delivered so you don't have to go out to get them.

fantasyvsreality

I just wanted to send some empathy your way. I can relate to your relationship with your mum and have experienced crippling shame in my twenties and thirties. I would highly recommend finding a psychodynamic therapist to work with you. It will take time but it sounds like you are insightful and want to change your circumstances, you just need the right support. I too have found the NHS support not suitable for deeper rooted issues. Try not to be hard on yourself, as you have identified your eating and spending are symptoms of the difficulties you face day to day. It's great that you found a solution to the problem with hello fresh. Take care and I wish you well with everything. 

Studentcase

Hey guys, thanks for the lovely replies and excellent advice I have gotten from you all. I do agree that the car is the big elephant in the room and really needs to go. The trouble is there's a shortfall that I would need to cover as any offers to buy the car will come in at less than the settlement quote by about £2000. I have absolutely no way of covering this and no way to finance it which means I am stuck effectively.

DrEskimo

Studentcase said:

Hey guys, thanks for the lovely replies and excellent advice I have gotten from you all. I do agree that the car is the big elephant in the room and really needs to go. The trouble is there's a shortfall that I would need to cover as any offers to buy the car will come in at less than the settlement quote by about £2000. I have absolutely no way of covering this and no way to finance it which means I am stuck effectively.

I don't typically advise this, but what if you simply look to P/X the car for a much cheaper car (say £5k max), and then roll the negative equity into the finance deal as part of the new finance agreement.

Even without a much better rate, it will dramatically reduce your debt and monthly outlay, and you can start to use that surplus to pay down your debts and start shifting it to lower interest as 0% deals and so forth become available to you.

Studentcase

DrEskimo said:

Studentcase said:

Hey guys, thanks for the lovely replies and excellent advice I have gotten from you all. I do agree that the car is the big elephant in the room and really needs to go. The trouble is there's a shortfall that I would need to cover as any offers to buy the car will come in at less than the settlement quote by about £2000. I have absolutely no way of covering this and no way to finance it which means I am stuck effectively.

I don't typically advise this, but what if you simply look to P/X the car for a much cheaper car (say £5k max), and then roll the negative equity into the finance deal as part of the new finance agreement.

Even without a much better rate, it will dramatically reduce your debt and monthly outlay, and you can start to use that surplus to pay down your debts and start shifting it to lower interest as 0% deals and so forth become available to you.

How could I go about this? Would that mean a new agreement with the company that I financed the car with?

theoretica

Do you work for a large organisation?  Some employers have employee assistance schemes, which are worth investigating to see what in the way of therapy they might offer. 

Some of my colleagues have breakfast in work  - things like instant oats, yoghurt pots, apples, cereal in tupperware (milk carried separately).  And these ideas mostly have a decent shelf/fridge life so whether you eat them at home or out, if you buy breakfast one day instead they won't go to waste.  Keeping your favourite Hello Fresh recipes and duplicating them is a great idea.  I also usually have one or two  meals in stock which just needs heating for when I don't feel like cooking.  More expensive than cooking from fresh, but cheaper than ordering take away. 

I think you might benefit from working out where you realistically could move to and what you would need to do that - working towards paying off the debt is a great aim, but not one I would find as inspiring as moving to where I wanted to live.  Budgeting because you know how it contributes towards a positive aim you really want, not just because debt is a burden you could do without.

enthusiasticsaver

I agree with the others that getting rid of the expensive car is the priority then moving out to improve your mental health and stop the wasteful food spending. 

Contact the car finance company to find out your options. You can get perfectly affordable reliable cars. Mine is almost 10 years old and never let me down. 

If you batch cook evening meals (sounds like you can cook but your mum makes it stressful for you) then you are only using the kitchen a few times a week. Surely you can make a sandwich at home for lunch at work without creating a mess and cereal or toast and fruit is easy for breakfast? 

Start by saving as much as possible both to sort out debts which are enforceable and to move out for your mental health. 

Spendless

Hi, just come across you. I can see echoes of my DD in you. She's 7 years younger and currently a student, but has several similar issues, that I try and help her address.

I don't feel I can help with advice on the car issue. I can see you need a reliable car to get to work and need to be able to finance that. Hopefully you've been given some advice that will sort this problem out.

On the making meals front. Why does your Mum hover over you whilst you cook? Are you messy and don't tidy up? (which is what my DD is like). What about some simpler steps for your meals, ok they might not be as healthy as other options but they're possibly better (and cheaper!) than the take away ordering (also what my DD does). Breakfast get some porridge pots and some cereal bars. At most you'll be pouring water into the porridge pot before eating. I've worked with several people who breakfast at their desk, rather than at home, just dropping this in as a  potential idea if it's allowed/practical.

Lunch get some bread rolls/wraps, a ready made salad, some sandwich meat, a multi pack of crisps/popcorn etc and some fruit and or jelly pots or cake bars. All the non refrigerated stuff leave in a particular place to grab and go, even a dedicated area of your room if going in the kitchen causes difficulty. Buy yourself a suitable  lunchbag. On an evening make yourself the sandwich up for the following day's lunch and pop in the other items in advance that will minimise the time you have to spend in the kitchen in a morning. Just thought as I was typing this, what about what of those mini fridges in your room, would that help at all? What cooking facilities are there at your workplace? If there's access to hot water and/or a microwave you could also add in taking pot noodles, jacket potatoes and add a topping that's from the ambient (shelf) section of the supermarkets. If there's a fridge and a microwave there, even better, take a few ready meals (keep an eye on the use by dates) and store them there for your lunches.

Where my DD studies she dislikes the tap water and I know she would consider a water filter too much faff, so when we shop we buy her bottled water (I know this isn't ideal), if you are ok with your tap water or prepared to filter then I'd also say get a decent water bottle. I have one that keeps liquid at the  same temperature it went in at for hours.
For evening meals I'd agree with the suggestion that you buy the items from the hello fresh that you've liked. Do it in baby steps so you're not overwhelmed.


Totally understand about accessing the NHS for MH issues, we've come across similar problems. Does your workplace offer anything you can access? I'm guessing you already know things that help with MH, connecting to nature, exercise, doing/seeing something that makes you laugh, friendships. Other than the gym do you have these in your life? if not can you put them in?

The first step to sorting out a problem is recognising that there is one. You have done this, so well done. Yes you have some things to address but look at everything you've achieved you've studied, got a qualification are working, have passed your driving test. They are fab achievements. You can do this. Good luck.  

EssexHebridean

That is a fantastic post from @Spendless - read it, then read it again. Great advice. 

Sometimes we need to prioritise "better for mental health" over a classically "healthier" option - and this is where things like easy to grab snack foods can come in. If having those is cheaper than buying the takeaway options, then that in turn means you can attack the debt and from there you begin to see light at the end of the tunnel and start to improve the prospects of moving out - all things that will vastly improve your MH situation. 

Studentcase

enthusiasticsaver said:

I agree with the others that getting rid of the expensive car is the priority then moving out to improve your mental health and stop the wasteful food spending. 

Contact the car finance company to find out your options. You can get perfectly affordable reliable cars. Mine is almost 10 years old and never let me down. 

If you batch cook evening meals (sounds like you can cook but your mum makes it stressful for you) then you are only using the kitchen a few times a week. Surely you can make a sandwich at home for lunch at work without creating a mess and cereal or toast and fruit is easy for breakfast? 

Start by saving as much as possible both to sort out debts which are enforceable and to move out for your mental health. 

I would say a 10-year-old car isn't old in todays world. As I said in previous posts, there would be a 2k shortfall on the finance I wouldn't be able to cover if I sold the car, plus the fact I need the car for long commutes, so to get another cheap car ur looking about 3k+ maybe even more that I would have to cover which I simply am not able to.

Regarding the food and making it, she kicks off about anything that's going on in the kitchen and she needs to have control over it or have a watchful eye. I don't make a mess but it still needs to be controlled by her "in case I do". She doesn't work either and sleeps in the room next to the kitchen on the couch so if I go in there in the morning she starts kicking off.