MeandO's money-shuffling

MeandO

Thanks badmemory and enthusiasticsaver. 

There is definitely a behaviour of trying to win his father’s love and to make him proud. Various events over the past few years have caused DS to feel like he has failed his Dad (not getting into sporting teams his father wanted him to) and DS is very hard on himself as a result. I think he has very low self esteem and this is a huge reason for it. He then tries to do everything he can to please his dad and I think he goes against me sometimes as part of that.His Dad, being the narcissist he is, manipulates DS and guilt trips him.  It’s very sad. As someone mentioned before, he knows he doesn’t have to do that with me and the love is unconditional, so feels safer to vent his frustrations here I guess. It doesn’t make it easier or make it ok, but I can recognise why he does it. 

He has come home from school today with an amazing report and is so proud of himself as he has been put in the top set for maths despite finding it difficult sometimes, He literally bounced out of school, ran over to me waving his report. I was so proud of him and it’s so good to see him proud of himself for once. 

We came home and had a massive water fight in the garden at his request. Loads of fun, lots of laughs and both soaked through to the skin! It was lovely to laugh so hard with him. Xx

MeandO

Enthusiastic saver, I hadn’t really thought of this. There is over £10k in there, what options do I have now for changing that account? I don’t think I can, can I? 

MeandO

I should also say too, I’ve said a lot lately about how his moods are getting me down, but he is the loveliest 13 year old too. He is extremely kind and caring when he wants to be and regularly gives up his seat on the train for people who need it more than him, without being prompted by me. He even gave an old lady his arm and helped her across the road a few weeks ago when he didn’t realise I was in the car park waiting where I could see him. I am extremely proud of him for his kindness to people, Just not to his Mum when he gets frustrated with the world! 

Aimingforthegoodlife

It is lovely he was so excited about his report, I think it is fair that you report the difficulties with him on here, as a lot of us report our trickier times rather than all the good! It is lovely he has such kindness in him, being a teenager is something I would never want to be again, when I think back it was not a good time! You are doing a great job, I think you are doing the right thing just going with his dad, as there is no point fighting him. Your DS will see eventually what his dad is like and you never know, he may be telling his dad what a great time he has with his mum!

MeandO

Thank you Aimingforthegoodlife x

So DS has gone back to his Dad's for a few days now and I am already missing him terribly. We have had such a lovely time together with so many laughs and hugs. The difference in him when he's not been around his Dad or had much contact with him is just astounding. 

It's payday in a couple of days and I'm counting down the hours. There is over £400 in the account but that's mostly to go towards paying off the credit card and it's not being spent on anything else. Some of it is DS's and OH's money from ebay/vinted sales which will be transferred to them later today when I've worked out what's what. Talking of sales, one more item of DS's sold on ebay which he is going to save towards a new pair of trainers he has his eye on and an item of OH's sold on vinted, so funds will be sent once it reaches him. I've listed a couple more things on vinted over the past few days and scanned a few more books, but they only came to £2.70 so hardly worth sending off. DS has sorted out a few more items which I'll list for him gradually.

I've decided not to take money from the Christmas pot to pay off the CC, instead I'll add less to my savings when I get paid. It's frustrating but at least it's not coming out of one of the pots which will be needed later this year.

MeandO

I've been paid this week so money has been shuffled to the various pots. The credit card has been paid off now or will be once a £79 refund is returned, and £100 has been sent to DS's school trip payment plan for this month's instalment. £150 has gone to the car/house pot and £150 to the Birthdays/Christmas pot. £25 has gone to DS's savings, £25 to the school uniform pot and £7 to the YNAB annual fee pot. The regular mortgage OP of £25.08 has also gone to the mortgage today. I can't afford to put anything in my EF savings this month as I ended up spending more than anticipated before pay day, buying some items which would be perfect for Birthday/Christmas gifts for family and a couple of things for the house like a new doormat and some plant pots. I transferred some funds from the Christmas pot for this but not to cover all of it. I've also allowed a bit extra for spends to cover the school hols and my little break with OH. I am due £42.69 from vinted once everything has reached the buyers so I will try and pay that into the savings if it's not needed for anything else at the time.
I posted 4 ebay/vinted parcels yesterday which required trips to two different shops and finally managed to drop the bin bag full of stuff to the charity shop that had been in the boot for a few weeks. I also had a browse in the charity shop whilst I was there and spent £9 on 5 tops, two @ £3 each and three @ £1. Most fit ok and are now in the washing machine ready to go on the line today as it's sunny, a couple were a bit tight but I'm hoping they will fit as I (hopefully) lose weight. I've not been able to go to the gym at all this week as I've had a problem with my ears which has made me off balance and has badly affected my hearing. I have a second Dr's appointment later today so I'm hoping they will be able to offer some help with it. 

Mrs_Money_Penny

Hope all is ok as you’ve not been on for a while. School holidays are probably keeping you busy xx

Aimingforthegoodlife

Hope you are having lovely summer hols and the ear got sorted

Sarahwithlove

I think you need to be more honest with your DS. Does he know his dad isn't paying his share of the school trip? It's hard but you need to say no as you are being walked over by your ex through your DS. He sounds like he is old enough now to know some of the truth. 

MeandO

Hello everyone,

It's been a busy summer and I haven't had much time to update here. I spent 3 weeks of the summer hols at 'home' with family - two weeks with DS, 1 with OH in tow. It was lovely to spend time around family and familiar surroundings and to feel at ease and like I belonged again for a while. Unfortunately I had to come back to reality and I'm not loving it so far.   OH and I also went away elsewhere for a couple of nights on and I've taken DS out on some day activities etc, so more money than usual has been spent this Summer despite trying to keep it all to budget. I've not been able to add more than a few £'s to the EF but am hoping to be able to get back on track to my £10K target when I next get paid at the end of September. I have an outstanding balance of around £165.53 on the credit card but I do have £71.97 allocated towards that at the moment, so I would like to find/make the remaining £93.56 before payday to pay that off again rather than to pay it off from next month's salary and reduce the amount I pay to the EF. I was toying with the idea of setting up a 'Summer holidays' savings pot for next year but I don't know if I can spread my money any further than I am at the moment. I'm not sure there's the funds for yet another savings pot unfortunately.  

DS has been having a sort of stuff he no longer wants so I have been ebaying some of that for him to make some £'s. He's inspired me to start decluttering again so I've found quite a few things to get rid of, some of which is crockery which belonged to my grandparents that I don't particularly like and no-one else wants. I've emailed a local antique shop about this but they haven't replied. It sells for a decent amount on ebay/etsy etc, but I don't think I want to risk having to post china items to be honest. I'll see if I can find another outlet to sell it. I've also listed a couple of sports clothing items on marketplace but there's been no interest so far. I'll upload it to vinted or ebay where it will hopefully sell.

It's an inset day today and so DS is back at school tomorrow. The new bits of uniform, school bag and shoes have been bought and the ex has paid half (not without a mini drama at times) but at least it's been paid up. We have also gone halves on sports equipment DS has needed for his sports club. The willingness to be reasonable makes me suspicious after so many years of doing everything but, especially when I know he's in massive amounts of debt at the moment. I'm almost waiting for the retaliation.

I've been having a bit of a crisis of confidence the past few days and I still haven't really waded through it yet.
It all started when OH and I met up with some friends who have invited us on a trip next year to celebrate one of their milestone birthdays. It sounds like great fun and a small group of our closest friends are going, the only trouble is it's a 10 hour flight away and will cost in excess of £1.5K each all in! My instant reaction was to laugh at the absurdity of being able to afford it but the reality is I could pay for my share in around 3 months if I diverted savings. The others going are married couples, so two incomes per household at least one of which is a six figure salaries for 2 of the 3 couples. They're all lovely people, very down to earth and not flashy etc and everybody feels very much like equals, but later conversations revealed that none of these couples actually save any money monthly nor have savings to speak of. I was shocked. Two of the couples have experienced major health challenges in the past and have the view that 'Life is for living' and enjoy their money every month. It has to be said, they all do a lot more socially than OH or I as we have to pay our own bills independently and we choose to save money (individually) and don't have much spare afterwards. They are much more laid back than us, more chilled out and love their lives. They're happy.
It got me thinking about things and I can't help but wonder if I'm making my own life miserable by enforcing these strict savings targets on myself and focusing on trying to pay the mortgage off rather than having much fun and turning down lots of invitations due to lack of funds. On the flip side, I couldn't live in debt and blow money on eating out lots every month and take DS away on a holiday yearly. But then if I save £10K, will I then be happy that's enough as new windows or a holiday or whatever will wipe a massive chunk off those savings and then I'll feel defeated that I have to start again.
I guess I'm finding it hard to strike a balance between the two and feel incredibly guilty spending money which I could be paying off of the mortgage or saving to cover emergencies, house repairs or new windows etc. It's put my mind in a bit of turmoil at the moment and I'm not sure what to think and as a bit of a revoIt against myself I spent £20 on some make up (after realising some of my eyeshadow tins are around 10 years old ) then felt incredibly guilty that it was money wasted. I just want to shake myself and say 'get a grip!' but it's an internal battle and I don't know what's the right thing to do.