Adult son with UC and PIP living in family home - contribution to family "budget" yes or no?

Spoonie_Turtle

poppy12345 said:

Remember you need to consider that what ever he pays towards the bills will be considerabely less than what he would pay if he lived else where. You should feel bad about reducing his money to help with all the bills, it's part of "growing up."

Typo there

For what it's worth, not treating him as an adult would be doing him a disservice.  On a practical note, if he does get to move out and has expenses it may be a shock to suddenly have a lot less spare money.  And on a moral note, a) UC is specifically for usual daily expenses, PIP is for extra expenses due to disability, and b) treating him completely like a child with a child's finances just because he's disabled would be infantilising and in a way, somewhat disrespectful.

A simple, objective starting point could be to work out what you might be charging him were he not disabled - a % or an amount.  If an amount, compare that with his actual income to see if you feel it's reasonable, and then consider whether his disability means any extra expense; if so you could charge more accordingly (or less, if relevant, but that wouldn't really be expected).

My income is UC and PIP, although I don't have a learning disability and our financial situation is different anyway, but I pay ⅓ in housekeeping.  [The idea is then ⅓ to spend and ⅓ to save, but realistically I don't have many ongoing expenses, mostly occasional larger ones.]  I then contribute towards other bigger expenses on top, because I can and want to anyway but even more so because it's really the only way I can actually help - I can't do housework or handle lots of life admin but I can relieve financial pressure and I appreciate the privilege of being in a position to do that.

I understand how you feel conflicted but try to view him as an adult paying his way.  As appointee your wife is responsible for using the money in his best interests, which includes giving him adult responsibilities where possible - having him contribute financially is one way of doing that.  What you do with the money is then pretty much up to you; even if you don't spend much/all and it eventually gets pooled in with the rest of the family's resources, that should be fine too especially as he will then benefit from however those resources are used anyway.

poppy12345

Thanks Spoonie, stupid typos, I should read my comment before posting… I always say that! 😂

You hit the nail on the head with your advice. One of the reasons why I asked my daughter to split the bills in half and pay her share is because she’s an adult and needs to be treated as one. 

williewonder

I live in a shared house with 3 other people in supported living and my split of raw bills is £216 a month.

larkim

Thanks all.  Glad I'm in the right place.

My conflict is really because, unlike with a son without learning disability who could make his own choices, we are the ones making the decision for him so I have a higher standard (of myself) in determining whether it is "right" or not.  I agree with all the points made about it being "real world" and that is valuable for him; he does have some understanding of money but it is limited.

In terms of the savings, I think actively basing any "rent" or "living costs" charges to him on real world data (i.e. our utilility bills etc) adds a strong degree of legitimacy about the charges, and then allows us to save a pot which we, at our discretion, can choose to use for him.  In this way the money is honesty and validly "spent" by him, we can choose to use the money to spend on ourselves if we ever wanted to, but if we did accumulate it into a pot which we could then use to benefit him in the future it is "protected" against the means testing.  It's not a deliberate attempt to circumvent him accumulating his own savings (what's left over after deducting for rent and living costs will still accumulate quite quickly) but it will help in the long term.  

My only other "problem" with it is that PIP is *supposed* to pay for moderately specific things.  In reality, the PIP / DLA system is rubbish as most people's needs who receive these benefits aren't just "care" or "mobility", and I've been around these benefits in both a personal and professional capacity long enough to know that the blunt instrument that is PIP/DLA can't be restricted to just being used for those two purposes, and aren't used in that way by most people that receive them.

For my own sanity and good transparency, I'm planning to keep a specific record of how this money gets received and paid out so that we've all got good info too.

Thanks for all the contributions on here, they've been really helpful.

RAS

I suggest you also get him interested in budgeting. Put some money into a clothing budget for example. He gets to choose what he buys, but needs to work out if he can afford it. 

Do you go on holiday? Put some money aside each month for that, or to cover extra support when you go away.

Anything he "wants," teach him to check if he has the cash, and if not to save for it. He decides how much each month, and how long it will take.

elsien

Any sensible social worker would see the need for your son to contribute to household expenses. It’s not unreasonable. It’s the appointees decision as to how much that should be while  still leaving your son enough for a social life and the other things that he enjoys/wants/needs within reason. 

No one is going to be getting into the minutiae of how much you are charging him. Unless he clearly has no money at all for anything,  is dragging around in clothes that no longer fit and someone raises a safeguarding. Slightly extreme point, but you get the gist.
There isn’t a straight answer because it’s about your individual household costs. And any additional needs that he has which might be impacting on that – specialist diet, heating etc. And general affordability.
I just think the fact you’re on here asking the question shows that you’re not going to be taking advantage so you need to work out what is right for all of you.
In that sense as someone else has said it’s not really any different to any families with different income levels working out what is fair to ask their child for board.

powerspowers

larkim said:

Thanks all.  Glad I'm in the right place.

My conflict is really because, unlike with a son without learning disability who could make his own choices, we are the ones making the decision for him so I have a higher standard (of myself) in determining whether it is "right" or not.  I agree with all the points made about it being "real world" and that is valuable for him; he does have some understanding of money but it is limited.

In terms of the savings, I think actively basing any "rent" or "living costs" charges to him on real world data (i.e. our utilility bills etc) adds a strong degree of legitimacy about the charges, and then allows us to save a pot which we, at our discretion, can choose to use for him.  In this way the money is honesty and validly "spent" by him, we can choose to use the money to spend on ourselves if we ever wanted to, but if we did accumulate it into a pot which we could then use to benefit him in the future it is "protected" against the means testing.  It's not a deliberate attempt to circumvent him accumulating his own savings (what's left over after deducting for rent and living costs will still accumulate quite quickly) but it will help in the long term.  

My only other "problem" with it is that PIP is *supposed* to pay for moderately specific things.  In reality, the PIP / DLA system is rubbish as most people's needs who receive these benefits aren't just "care" or "mobility", and I've been around these benefits in both a personal and professional capacity long enough to know that the blunt instrument that is PIP/DLA can't be restricted to just being used for those two purposes, and aren't used in that way by most people that receive them.

For my own sanity and good transparency, I'm planning to keep a specific record of how this money gets received and paid out so that we've all got good info too.

Thanks for all the contributions on here, they've been really helpful.

I’d agree with your approach to living expenses. There is no requirement for PIP to be spent in specific ways. It’s paid because someone needs additional help but up to the individual how it’s spent, which in your sons case falls to his parent as appointee acting in his best interest. Which for some households would be contributing towards bills or spending on things your son likes and enjoys.

absolute good practice to keep a record of what you have spent but don’t feel you have to only spend pip on transport costs etc.  

jak

I think it's a good idea to ask him to pay towards the household budget. I would do that for my son- he also has additional needs. It will teach him an important life lesson and help him to budget in the future. 
JAK
x

Crazycatlady2

I see no reason they shouldn’t be paying board to cover their expenses. My son with learning difficulties is the youngest and my eldest currently pays board so all 3 will end up doing so