When you thought divorce was a possibility and when it actually became a reality?

Retireby40

Was talking to a friend who has recently separated from his wife. They had been together 11 years and married 6. They have 2 young kids 5 and 4.

I didn't really know the relationship well but all seemed good from the outside looking in.

He told me that basically a year or two after getting married (so about 4 years before seperating) that he had a feeling the writing was on the wall long term. And he thinks she did too yet neither acted on it then. That marriage, work, kids and the length of time they had been together had taken its toll. 

They are still talking and everything is still amicable and there was no other person it's just he said they completely disconnected. They had little free time, and any free time they had they ended up wanting to do different things. Her with her nights out with the girls and him with his nights out with the boys.

He said basically they probably stayed together the 4 years because of the kids and finances as they had bought a new house etc. And that those pressures meant separating was difficult. Almost like the relationship was the last priority that kids, mortgage, bills mattered first.

I guess the question is has anyone known that deep down divorce was on the cards yet deliberately delayed it, thinking something might change, or financially it was easier to save another few years for it or that the kids where in a better position to deal with it?

Retireby40

Or to make it easier, how long was the writing on the wall, before you actually got divorced?

Jim80

Ask 10 people and you will get 10 different answers. There is no information to be gained in this question if you are looking for advice . Unless you are just wanting to hear stories?

Retireby40

Jim80 said:

Ask 10 people and you will get 10 different answers. There is no information to be gained in this question if you are looking for advice . Unless you are just wanting to hear stories?

There's always information to be gained.

Spendless

It's some years ago but I'm sure I once read that the liklihood of a divorce goes down after 10 years of marriage. Can't remember where the report came from buy maybe google if interested, see what results it fetches up.

Amongst our family/friends/colleagues etc we noticed that couples marrying after many years of living together often divorced before long. Being married was blamed but as an outsider looking in we could see that the problems had always been there and getting married was a last ditch attempt to solve things - which ultimately didn't work. Children and babies are very time consuming. My husband worked away every week from the time our daughter was born, with no set pattern. It had a huge knock on effect of me, with no warning it was to come and it's only really this year (kids now adults) that I told him how resentful I felt over it all. 

Titus_Wadd

My dad died suddenly when I was 27, 3 years into my first marriage.  When the police came to tell me I immediately thought it was sad he'd never see any grandchildren if I ever had any.  This was rapidly followed by a question, asking myself why it hadn't really crossed my mind - having kids with my first husband.
That was the beginning of the end, life with him was like looking after a child! 
We separated and got divorced about a year later.  He suggested a baby  might bring us closer.  I'm glad we didn't do that.
When I got remarried I'd worked out what I wasn't looking for in a partner.  Been together 30 years, with 2 children.  

theoretica

Historically, lots of marriages continued as financial and practical partnerships - many were even made as such - and of course because staying married was the socially done thing. 

pinkshoes

Perhaps it's not all about ME ME ME and what is actually best for the kids?

If all is civil in the relationship and it's just a case of nothing in common, then it's not the worst thing in the world as long as both have a life and are having fun with hobbies and friend. It's like having a housemate!

Separating would mean having to afford two separate households, which can mean kids having to share bedrooms, moving to a different (cheaper/worse) area, less budget for hobbies, holidays etc... Lots of the negatives for the kids for a gain that might not even happen or exist, as who knows if "Mr Right" exists?!?!

Sapindus

When my son was about one I decided that when he was "old enough" I would leave.  So I didn't really want another child as that would put me back to square one.  When he got to about 5 or 6 I had this vision of him trying to look after two aging separated parents and blaming himself for the divorce, so decided we should have another so he wouldn't be alone with the problem.  Separation and divorce didn't happen for another seven years or so.

And no, I did not explain my thinking to my husband.  He didn't like talking about things.  I had given up trying by then.

Retireby40

pinkshoes said:

Perhaps it's not all about ME ME ME and what is actually best for the kids?

If all is civil in the relationship and it's just a case of nothing in common, then it's not the worst thing in the world as long as both have a life and are having fun with hobbies and friend. It's like having a housemate!

Separating would mean having to afford two separate households, which can mean kids having to share bedrooms, moving to a different (cheaper/worse) area, less budget for hobbies, holidays etc... Lots of the negatives for the kids for a gain that might not even happen or exist, as who knows if "Mr Right" exists?!?!

The separation may not have anything to do with looking for another "Mr or Mrs Right".

Some people just don't to stay where it isn't working.