Financial Counselling

Jojo197474

Does anyone know if there is such a thing as financial counselling. I am terrible with money to the point it nearly ended my marriage last year. I hate how I deal with it, how I spend etc etc. my husband can’t help as he’s totally opposite which makes things difficult. A person who is totally separate to help would be amazing. I don’t need debt help as such just counselling to teach me to stop spending etc.. it’s like an addiction. I hope that makes sense! 🤦🏼‍♀️

TheAble

I have been reading The Escape Artist blog for a number of years and he offers financial coaching:

https://theescapeartist.me/coaching/

I haven't tried it myself but it may be beneficial. You can always read the blog first for free of course before taking the plunge - there's loads of good stuff on there.

tacpot12

I'm not sure I can help, but I would like to be able to do so. I suspect your husband is the same, but without some insigt as to why we are as we are, it can be difficult to help. Have you thought about why you overspend? 

Often the first stage in being able to deal with a problem (beyond appreciating that there is a problem that needs to and that can be fixed) is understanding the feelings that involved. Once you have a sense of the feelings involved it becomes a bit easier to spot them occuring. 

Once you have spotted a feeling occuring, you need a solution that is as good as spending. You need to prepare your response so that it is ready, so that it can produce that good feeling when you need it. One potential solution is to spend one tenth of what you think you can spend. That way you get something, but you don't spend all your availanle money doing it. 

enthusiasticsaver

I have heard a number of people mention on this forum they think they are addicted to spending but I am sceptical that this is a thing and I think more often it is a bad habit which needs to be broken.   Essentially it is thoughtless spending usually impulsive without much critical thinking .  A good habit to get into before you spend anything is ask yourself three questions. 

Do I want it or need it?
Do I have something which already does the same thing?
Can I get it cheaper elsewhere? 

Have you thought about why you spend, how you feel before you spend and afterwards?  Are there any thought processes which go through your head before you get your credit/debit card or phone out or click pay online?

You need to remember that shops and websites are designed  to be alluring and enticing by commercial marketing experts and of course millions is spent on advertising products.  When you spend it is more often because marketing and advertisers have done their job well and persuaded you to buy their goods. Steeling yourself against this before you pull out your card to pay may help you to decide not to buy after all. 

I was a debt counsellor in a previous life but I have not heard of a financial counsellor and would be extremely sceptical of paying someone to counsel you on this.  You can put systems in place to stop you spending like leaving cards at home and removing details from websites and unsubscribing from emails which are likely to tempt you to buy.  Recognizing you have poor self control when it comes to spending is the first step to  changing spending behaviour. 

EssexHebridean

You've said you want to be better with money - which is a good start. Now - how MUCH do you want it - more than that pair of shoes/new bag/fancy holiday/new bit of tech...? Also - step back a moment - why do you think that spending money on someone telling you to stop spending money seems like a sensible approach?    

ES is right I'm afraid - spending isn't an addiction - although a bit like things like sugar, because it triggers certain receptors in the brain it can possibly feel like one. I'd suggest one of the first steps though might be to stop equating it with "addiction" which essentially makes excuses for it, and acknowledge that you like spending money, you like the lifestyle that gives, but you want to rein it in because it's not a healthy way to be as you go through life. 

The Money Mantra as above is a great tool which might help to break the pattern, simply because it will  make you stop and think not just follow through the process. Also - you could try treating all spending as though it were your grocery shop. So for grocery shopping, you make a list of what you need and you buy the things on that list. (Yes, probably a good idea if you don't already!) so if you go shopping for another reason, again, write a list. "Socks, Shampoo, Shower gel, Aspirin, wooden spoon". You get into the shopping centre and see a nice coat - but "a nice coat" isn't on your list - so you don't buy it. 

Online shopping can be an issue for lots of people now - but again, you can always walk away. (Yep - even once you've put things in your basket!) You can also as suggested simply avoid the sites that you know might tempt you to spend - maybe you currently hae a bit of a habit of going to a certain website just to check what they have - you probably have a tab open for it on your browser maybe? So close down that tab. Then clear browsing history and cookies. Next time you think about going to that site, you'll have to open a new tab, and type the website address - which is two added steps that might make you stop and think. 

Try to get into the habit of never buying anything bar essential groceries without questioning yourself on it - be your own money counsellor, and enjoy seeing your "fees" build up as savings! 

MalMonroe

Jojo197474 said:

Does anyone know if there is such a thing as financial counselling. I am terrible with money to the point it nearly ended my marriage last year. I hate how I deal with it, how I spend etc etc. my husband can’t help as he’s totally opposite which makes things difficult. A person who is totally separate to help would be amazing. I don’t need debt help as such just counselling to teach me to stop spending etc.. it’s like an addiction. I hope that makes sense! 🤦🏼‍♀️

Hi, sorry to hear that your marriage nearly ended because of your money mismanagement. I was once married to someone who was brilliant at finances and could budget like nobody's business - but then we had a divorce and my financial management, which was pitiful to start with, really went haywire.

Fast forward a few years and I was in such debt that StepChange (one of the free debt help agencies) recommended a DRO, which they helped me to get.

It's taken a while but now I'm debt free. And I thank StepChange for being so kind, helpful and non-judgemental. I know you said you don't want debt help assistance but they CAN help you if you face financial difficulty. And yours is serious, if it nearly ended your most important relationship. You can phone them and talk to an adviser for nothing, they will counsel you and they will be able to point you in the right direction. There's also National Debtline and Citizens Advice but StepChange really helped me and they can help you, too. They can help you to make a financial plan.

https://www.stepchange.org/hello.aspx

However, what I learned from being so bad with money and really hitting the depths of despondency was - budgeting. 
Something I'd resisted until the point where StepChange asked me to do a budget (aka Statement of Account) of every single penny coming in and going out, so they could go over it with me. Previously I'd thought planning budgets was for the weak willed. But that just illustrates my ignorance at that time. 

I found that writing down every single penny that came in and out was not only very cathartic but also very revealing. And I've continued to budget since that day, which was 9 years ago.

That's where I recommend you start. With your budget. It's a shame your husband can't, or won't, help because you are in this together and your financial situation affects his, too. Marriage should be about sharing, caring and helping (something I learned too late, obviously, hence my divorce.)

So if you take nothing else from my post, please do take the budgeting advice. It really did change my life and I now know where every penny goes - or is destined to go. 

Money mantra handy card in the following link from this very site - 

https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/shopping/money-mantras/

All the best to you - you've made the first move, asking for help. I really do hope you'll take advantage of some of the excellent help that's in this thread.

fatbelly

CAP run courses that might be useful

https://capuk.org/get-help/cap-money-course

RAS

Not sure if this allowed but .......

The non-money thing that you may find interesting is sometimes known as focusing, which is not unlike mindfulness, but with a purpose.

There's a short cheap book  and a web-site and it's best done with a partner; exchanging a defined period of supportive listening but with almost no intervention from the partner. The occasional ah and mmm are OK.

I don't use it pro-actively but if something is bothering me, I sit with the feeling until I understand it better.

One example was learning why I ate more than was good for me, even if I didn't enjoy it. For several years there simply wasn't enough food in our childhood house, and I was desperate to prevent our parent becoming unwell because they gave their portion to the younger children. So I'd stuff myself at school lunch, and give away my portion in the evening.

Understanding enabled me to access "fullness" and listen to the bodily clues I taught myself to ignore as a child. It's no doubt reduced my grocery bill but affected the clothing budget short-term!

And definitely budget. One couple I know worked out how much they had "spare" each month. The spendy one wants lots of things and was now given the choice; new curtains or a couple of nights way, not both.

PandaGirl6

I like the advice given by RAS. A great analogy with a diet and deeply routed causes for having too much of the good stuff.

You can absolutely get addicted to shopping. It gives you a dopamine hit. I wouldn't call it an addiction to debt - debt is a symptom.

Most people don't need too much of financial guidance beyond learning to live within their means.
What you need is just plain old, regular counselling. The finances will follow.