Help me create a funny hamper for a 70th birthday please.

turnitround

My friend is 70 very soon and I want to make her a hamper. But not an ordinary one. 
She will be away for a few days on her birthday so I will not see her, I'm giving her some money in a card so she can buy her something whilst she is away, but I also want to put together a silly 'old ladies' hamper she can open on her birthday. She won't be offended, we are the same age and she has a great sense of humour.

I want to individually wrap little items and put a note in each one. To get the idea, some of the things I already have-

Rennies for the indigestion she will keep having
A pair of Nora Batty style stockings
An old ladies purse
Constipation tablets for when she cant go
Another box of tablets for when she cant stop going
An old fashioned plastic rain hood
A really naff ornament which all old ladies have on the window sill
A magnifying glass and pair of tweezers for removing those little chin hairs
A fluffy bed jacket
A packet of corn plasters
A monogrammed, lace 'real' handkerchief
A 50 shades of grey dvd 'because now she will probably only be watching'
A very large plastic daily pill box

But I need more suggestions please, anything not too expensive to buy and which will get a smile from her but that she can throw away unless they are useful.

jusferbrowsing

Love it  
Packet of blue rinse for her hair
Talc, Lavender scented of course
Sachet of Horlicks malty drink
A budgie (plastic)

turnitround

Thank you jusferbrowsing, thats exactly the sort of thing I need. Wonderful

C_J

One of those dolls with a crochet crinoline skirt to hide the spare toilet roll.

A bottle of rosewater facial cleanser.

Some paracetamol for all the aches and pains.

An old fashioned apron.

A pack of steradent tablets and a box to put her false teeth in.

You could also go online (to your local library, or the Newspaper Library in London) and find a copy of the local or national newspaper from the day she was born. I think local libraries let you print these free, but you would have to pay for the national one).

turnitround

Thank you C_J, I have the paracetamol and apron. I work in a charity shop so Im watching for one of those loo roll crinoline ladies to come in. 
The steradent is a great idea. Funniy enough she is just about to start dental treatment to have false teeth put in so perfect.
 On the same note I got her some Werthers Original but of course being the good friend I am I have considered her dentures and eaten them for her, she is just getting the empty packet.

Katiehound

If you are in a charity shop you might be able to pick up easily / cheaply a fringed shawl- preferably in granny squares. Or something made in granny squares.

A chain to stop glasses from being dropped/ put down / lost

hair rollers or even hair curlers

magnifying glass (£1 in Tesco keep it handy range)

bottle of lavender water- no, this is not cheap!

slippers with velcro closers

turnitround

Thank you Katiehound, I have got all those apart from the Lavender water. I have got lavender hand cream and bath salts.

RobM99

Three china ducks for the lounge wall

Misslayed

A bottle of wine (drink of choice) with a home made label - 'Who is this moderation I'm supposed to be drinking with?'

RobM99

Whole Page magnifier!

SuzeQStan

A blow up zimmer frame