Relationship difficulties

LavenderLamb101

I've (31m) always classed the relationship with my girlfriend (29f) as very close, she has a 9 year old daughter and for the past 2 years i've been co parenting with her.

Fast forward I have 2 children 12/10 whom have come back to live with me (Dad), of which I'm elated about. However it's causing issues between us with her 'protecting' her child and likewise myself. They all get along, my kids also get along with my other half but the issues stem when it comes to dripline and one 'favouring' over the other. 

It's become that much of a issue the daughter has spent time at her nans house because she isn't get her own way!

As for out relationship we've always been un loving with lots of sex, but  that's all gone. Just arguments and egg shells, sex is a big factor for us and once what we use to feel close. We both feel so distant as a result and that in turn is causing a spiral of events. 
Communication is a a big thing in a relationship which is not working for us, sex is another big thing that is massively not working.

This is a public forum I am well aware, but feel no other option than ask publicly. If anyone is willing to give useful advise of a similar situation I'd be grateful. Please do drop me a message, I would be grateful!

Thanks in advance to who reads and or responds.  

tacpot12

Your gf will not be able to change. She will always prevent you from treating her daughter as you think you should be able to, assuming that we are just talking about the normal parenting process of setting boundaries!

Your choices are to 1) accept this and the consequences, which are that her daughter will always behave less well (to your eyes) that your own children, or 2) leave your and accept the consequences of this.

If you go down route 1, you also need to consider whether you will relax your parenting of your own children - it can be difficult to set boundaries or expectations in a family if some parties can just ignore them!

If in your mind, you know that you are treating all the children equally, this should be enough, but it can be very wearing having to cope with your partner's view that you are being unfair to their child.

I do think things will settle down overtime, and that the daughter leaving to stay at her Nan's is not helpfil as it will only slow down the time it takes for the family to adjust to the new situation. But if you have a good relationship with the Nan, Nan might help you by not letting the daughter stay at hers and just do exactly as she pleases, especially if you have a conversation with her about it. (She may even share your view of her daughter's parenting style).  If the daughter realises that even her Nan has boundaries, she might come around to understanding that you are not bad for also having boundaries. 

You should also have a think about how happy your were with what your gf allowed her daughter to do before your children moved in. If you were happy, and your gf hasn't really changed, then it's your children arriving that has changed the dynamics and how you feel about your gf's parenting. 

sheramber

Why should your daughter get her own way?  Has she been indulged to make up for the split relationship with her mother?

Is your elation  at having the children with you mean you are being more indulgent or has your daughter always been allowed to have her own way?

Communication is the key in a relationship and you need to sit down with your girlfriend and discuss the differences in the household now.

Adding two teenagers to the household brings the need for adjustments to lifestyle.  Your children living with you permanently is different to having them for a short visit,

It sounds like you didn't discuss things before they moved in.

Do it now.

T.T.D

This is a big adjustment for a 9yr old, she’s used to living life in a certain way, has never had any experience in having to share her time and home with anyone outside of the shared relationship with you and her mum. Not only does she have to relearn to share what she views her home he comfort and safety zone, she now has to find a way sharing your family with you and finding new boundaries and comfort zones. 

Your children have been emotionally and physically upended for what ever reason they come to live with you for too and throw on-top they need to get to know your partner more in depth, I can imagine it’s a kin to throwing cats amongst the pigeons when it comes to emotions, and defending those emotions and the well being of everyone and finding coming ground. 

I would suggest you look at family counselling, (does your local council have a “supporting family change” program?) perhaps then you and partner can focus time a side to for you sexual-emotional-expressive side of your relationship, many couple’s feel and operate on making sex their base on a relationships. If this is key then having more children in the house is going to restrict this activity to an almost impossible task. 

[Deleted User]

Every couple I know with blended families has this exact issue. They have pretty much perfect relationships except for discipline / favouring children arguments, even if it's only 'perceived' as that by each other and not really happening. I've also known many couples seem to have issues even from grandparent level with this, not just parental. I think it's complicated and emotive and shouldn't be taken lightly. You also have 3 kids hitting puberty at the same time and lots of hormones hitting in.

The only thing I can say to friends in this situation is that it is more a relationship issue full stop, not really because of the step parent relationship. Myself and my husband have our own two teenagers (13 & 16) and we definitely find it our point of conflict between us and they are our own children. They are hormonal, difficult, each thing the other is being favoured, one is in a good mood when the other is in a bad mood etc etc and it's tough. We often have differing views on the best way to handle situations and trying to not let that affect your relationship is very very hard. I think you come out of sleepless nights and toddler tantrums to suddenly having complicated mini adults with their own minds and opinions and for you this is exasperated by the 'my child / your child' argument.

I think try and strip that part out of the way and think of yourselves as both being parents of all of them. Discuss your differences of opinions. Know that kids and teens can be unreasonable. Understand that they can affect our moods. Try and find your common ground and listen to each other. As you say, the communication is the biggest part and everything else follows. Even with completely different opinions, if you talk it through it eventually helps as long as you approach with open minds. I will naturally always be the more lenient parent and aim for communication and discussion with the kids, my husband believes more in being firm and showing direction and a tougher love / more rules based. We are on opposite sides of the spectrum frequently but you have to find a way through - we don't all agree all the time and alternative opinions can be healthy. Sometimes he probably is right and sometimes I am. There are bits I do well and bits he does well. And also I can see he's getting through to them in a way that I can't now they are older and they probably do walk over me a bit.

My husband and I were actually discussing this tonight - not to do with our relationship but with everything that we are actually all avoiding debate so much nowadays that it causes more harm than good. We need to be able to voice opinions in the right way, respect those opinions and find ways to move forward together. If you are committed to each other and your roles as parents / step-parents then you will absolutely figure it out! Every day is a school day. Good luck!

Mojisola

Deleted_User said:

I think try and strip that part out of the way and think of yourselves as both being parents of all of them.

Discuss your differences of opinions.

Know that kids and teens can be unreasonable.

And that they can play off one parent against the other if the parents aren't working together!

sevenhills

My daughter came back to live with me, I didn't think about it at the time, but my girlfriend at the time would not be happy with our children openly knowing we were having sex. At either of our houses.
I don't think that is why we split up, but we were never intimate again. You need to try and create that space you need to be intimate.
It's not everything, but it's important.

Retireby40

The longer the relationship and with working more, chasing after kids etc sex goes out the window. It becomes a routine thing that happens now and again than the spontaneous all action fun thing it used to be like in the first few years of a relationship.

Most people accept that it won't be the same and get on with it or they have affairs to fulfill their needs. I don't recommend that but that's why they happen. Because it's lacking in their relationship.

It's the way of the world. You either accept it or find an alternative.