ex refuses husband visits unless he pays

overthehills

Thanks for the replies.

I feel that what is being forgotton when it comes to money is, the most important thing in a childs life is the parent. That parent in my case is hy husband, my step daughters dad. He should be able to be a parent period. Not just a provider. This is how a lot of women with unfinished emotional business behave. They don't put the child first, they put their feelings and their pockets. MY husband knows he has to provide for his child and that has never been an issue, but to have one parent tell another to pay or don't see just turns the child into an "ITEM" and not a human being.

duchy

I do agree that it should be about the child first and foremost however I know from personal experience it can be very hard when a relationship breaks down to seperate the two things. My husband behaved terribly when we split up-and although basically a very decent man he (and he admits this himself too) was not himself and was irratic, angry, gulity with the stress of it all. We rowed contantly and I really didn't want him in my life OR my young son's as he wasn't good for either of us at that point (it wasn't just him I was angry too and neither of us could concel it from our son completely-or on occassion at all). It was only my Mother keeping on at me that stopped me from blocking access. As she wisely said-anger will die and basically he's a good man-it was a struggle but we got through and have a good parenting relationship now. I'm grateful she did this but I CAN understand why access does break down -it may not be right but when there is a lot of anger and hurt around -it sometimes isn't about revenge but about stopping constant stress and rows. Most people don't need solicitors-they just need someone like my Mum who refuses to take sides and reminds the parents that whatever their feelings are towards eachother-the child has TWO parents and needs them BOTH.

real1314

overthehills wrote: »

Thanks duchy.

The ex works for the council in the benefit fraud section, and I'm sure, she uses my husbands NI number to access his details to moniter how much he earns by way of inland revenue. No I can't prove it but it's little things that keep happening.

."

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The ex won't have any access to NI or Tax records from working in a council, the only people who have access is the Inland Revenue. Other agencies can get details, but there's always a paper trail of it. You could write to HMRC asking them if anyone else has been given details from his records if you wanted to under Data Protection rules.

Mr_Green_Genes

duchy wrote: »

I do agree that it should be about the child first and foremost however I know from personal experience it can be very hard when a relationship breaks down to seperate the two things. My husband behaved terribly when we split up-and although basically a very decent man he (and he admits this himself too) was not himself and was irratic, angry, gulity with the stress of it all. We rowed contantly and I really didn't want him in my life OR my young son's as he wasn't good for either of us at that point (it wasn't just him I was angry too and neither of us could concel it from our son completely-or on occassion at all). It was only my Mother keeping on at me that stopped me from blocking access. As she wisely said-anger will die and basically he's a good man-it was a struggle but we got through and have a good parenting relationship now. I'm grateful she did this but I CAN understand why access does break down -it may not be right but when there is a lot of anger and hurt around -it sometimes isn't about revenge but about stopping constant stress and rows. Most people don't need solicitors-they just need someone like my Mum who refuses to take sides and reminds the parents that whatever their feelings are towards eachother-the child has TWO parents and needs them BOTH.

SUCH a good post and so true. The right thing to do is, of course, so difficult to live up to when a break up happens but the last thing anyone really needs at a time like that is a solicitor. Someone like your mum is ideal. She sounds like a good person and you are very lucky.

macaroni

overthehills wrote: »

Thanks duchy.

I think the point is being missed here. It shouldn't be about the money should it? The non resident parent MY husband in this case, has never had a leg to stand on. The ex works for the council in the benefit fraud section, and I'm sure, she uses my husbands NI number to access his details to moniter how much he earns by way of inland revenue. No I can't prove it but it's little things that keep happening.

She is constantly on the phone to the CSA having him re assesed. The woman seems desperate and, I feel, is lacking in unfinished, emotional business. She seems hell bent on NEEDING to be in my husbands life. He pays his maintenence regularly. She stopped his daughter sleeping as this was reducing her money, now because she hasn't got it, she is stopping her child seeing her daddy and has done this infront of an 8 year old!

her behaviour is that of not putting her child ahead of her greed and bitterness and need for constant revenge. How can women do this. She has blatently said "you pay for the priviledge to see you child."

The CSA should have another name and shame list. That of Mothers who refuse access because they aint getting their money!

I know some dads aren't particularly good. (my ex isn't and he doesn't pay) and when there are genuine health issues that should be considered like a child in a violent or bad enviroment then fine, but my husband is a great dad and his daughter loves him so to stop them seeing each other because he has missed ONE payment out of 6 years worth just confirms his ex wife is a money grabbing, selfish woman who cannot truly love her child.

I totally agree that contact shouldnt be blocked because of money or lack of it.

However your husband could have continued paying a sum of money to his ex stating that he had changed his job and he was currently being reasessed and didnt know how much the assessment would be ( Im assuming its a lower salary?) which would have hopefully prevented this situation.

Its often lack of civil communication which riles the other person and makes them feel they have to hit back.

Scarlett1

overthehills wrote: »

Thanks for the replies.

I feel that what is being forgotton when it comes to money is, the most important thing in a childs life is the parent. That parent in my case is hy husband, my step daughters dad. He should be able to be a parent period. Not just a provider. This is how a lot of women with unfinished emotional business behave. They don't put the child first, they put their feelings and their pockets. MY husband knows he has to provide for his child and that has never been an issue, but to have one parent tell another to pay or don't see just turns the child into an "ITEM" and not a human being.

It seems that both parties here are being awkward :rolleyes: , you may not like your partners ex but she is the mother of your step daughter and needs the money, maybe she would be a bit more understanding if you at least showed some willingness to pay maintenance in the meantime even if it was a token of £20 per week until the csa have sorted themselves out