ex refuses husband visits unless he pays

overthehills

My husband has had a change in his employment circumstances. He has always paid via csa for his daughter and has never shyed away from his reponsability. Unlike my ex!
Anyway, CSA have acknowledged his change but have sent no direct debit mandate or anything for him to continue his payments.
My husband has asked to have his daughter boxing day and up until today, it looks as if she was coming. The ex has now said, "i haven't received my maintenence money, is there a problem?" My hubby replied, " you better contact the CSA." to which she replied, "there obviously is a problem, and until you get it sorted, you cant see X" The thing is, his daughter 8 was standing there while his ex her mother, told my hubby this. My husband asked his daughter if she wanted to see dad boxing day and she eagerly wants too.
Now my ex has wriggled his way out of paying but I have never denied my daughter from seeing him. It only would hurt her. I have suggested he sees solicitor, but she has shown her true colours and to say this infront of her own child. How low can some women stoop to use money to control access?
Its not about the money its about a man who upholds his responsability, which the CSA have fluffed up and a vile women now using it to tell my hubby, pay up or don't see your daughter.
Paying maintenence does not give the father the right to see his child as does not paying give a mother the right to deny access.

enemes

I can't agree more. There is no way an "adult" should be using a child as some sort of a comodity. What on earth would an eight year old make of it?

Presumably your husband and his ex don't have a court order re contact. It might be an idea to get one, so everyone knows where they stand ... and nobody gets held to randsome. It might not be financially the best time to do it right now, but would be worth thinking about, especially as the girl is so young still.

At the end of the day, his daughter has witnessed with her own eyes what her mother was saying. She might not understand the implications of it just now, but she will when she gets older. She will look back, knowing that her mother had ruined HER boxing day because of her actions ... what goes around, comes around ...

hobo28

Depending on the sort of person the ex is, you might want to consider getting a court order.

For some a court order works, however in some cases its just throwing fuel on the fire and makes things worse. Its certainly not cheap.

Choose with care.

The other way and again this depends wholly on the sort of person you are dealing with is to call her bluff. Just point out that its her fault and wait for her to contact. Usually this works best for those resident parents who cram their social life into the time they don't have the child and now of course have to run around paying babysitters or even not getting to go out at all.

At the end of the day you know her best.

Strapped

He doesn't need to wait for a DD mandate though; there are a multitude of ways to send money to the CSA I am confused, why doesn't he just pay it as he will have to pay it eventually anyway. NB This doesn't mean that I agree with his ex preventing contact AT ALL, just pick your arguements. From experience, getting the courts / contact orders involved doesn't help the situation (and wouldn't solve your immediate Boxing Day problem anyway - maybe next Boxing Day).

overthehills

The ex is a control freak and has used my step daughter in a multitude of ways.
We went to visit my sd at school and she loved it, she was so pleased to see us.
1/2 and hour before my husband went to pick up his daughter on the weekend the ex called to say X didn't want to see her daddy because our visit had freaked her out and she had felt cornered and pressured. X didn't want to see her daddy ever again and xmas/birthday gifts would not be accepted anymore. (we dont officially have her address as she moved without telling my husband. He only has a mobile number hich is convienently switched off or not answered.) My husband wasn't "allowed" to speak to his daughter to verify this.
My husband was left reeling from this conversation,(the ex accused him of being bitter because she had an affair to which my husband told her the guy did him a favour and he was so glad she had the affair cos she had turned into someone he didn't recognise) yet within and hour X called him to say yes she wanted to see him and was he ok? My husband said "but mum said you never wanted to see me again" to which the answer was "I never said that"

The money situation is because he is being re assesed and it is down to the CSA to get their act together.MY husband doesn't KNOW how much the CSA want from him as yet so he can't "Just pay her " The ex wife has had everything on her terms, changing contact arrangements causing massive emotional problems for all of us with her game playing and it was HER that had an affair!
MY husband is a wonderful father but I think we shall do as enemes has said for the time being. Call her bluff and let her explain to her child why she won't allow her to see daddy and her siblings on boxing day!

seven-day-weekend

Poor little girl. What a shame.

I hope she is able to enjoy her boxing day without further problems.

pinkpig08

Hi,
Just a note on the money side - I understand that the CSA aren't the best of organisations, but someone always ends up paying for their incompetence! Even though they haven't told your husband how much he needs to pay, once they have worked it out he will owe the entire amount and they will backdate it. It might be worth putting some money aside every week for when that happens so it's not such a big lump sum.:o

overthehills

pinkpig08 wrote: »

Hi,
Just a note on the money side - I understand that the CSA aren't the best of organisations, but someone always ends up paying for their incompetence! Even though they haven't told your husband how much he needs to pay, once they have worked it out he will owe the entire amount and they will backdate it. It might be worth putting some money aside every week for when that happens so it's not such a big lump sum.:o

Already putting an amount aside but have pensions to take into account which is why we can't calculate ourselves.

The bottom line is a non resident parent should not have to "pay for the priviledge" to see their child!

duchy

Although I agree completely that access should not be dependent on support been paid can I suggest a practical solution as we had exactly the same problem with the CSA not processing direct debits properly (for a whole year !!).
Your husband can make payments (either one off or regular payments) direct to his ex (either by bank transfer or in cash-doesn't matter so long as there is evidence-when my ex paid me cash I'd write him a receipt-when he transderred it to my bank he simply kept the payment receipt-both were acceptable to the CSA. He faxed them to the CSA after informing them he'd made payment direct). If you happen to over-pay it will be deducted later.
The CSA probably won't have sorted this out by Christmas so this is a solution that means everyone gets what they want.
The CSA actually told me my ex wasn't paying-when I had seen the bank statements showing the DDs leaving his account and been returned the same day because there was an error in the way the CSA had set up the DD (there was plenty of money in the account ). If I hadn't seen the evidence for myself this could have caused a huge rift between myself and my ex so it is entirely possible the CSA are telling you OH's ex that he is simply not paying and she feels justifiably angry.

overthehills

Thanks duchy.

I think the point is being missed here. It shouldn't be about the money should it? The non resident parent MY husband in this case, has never had a leg to stand on. The ex works for the council in the benefit fraud section, and I'm sure, she uses my husbands NI number to access his details to moniter how much he earns by way of inland revenue. No I can't prove it but it's little things that keep happening.

She is constantly on the phone to the CSA having him re assesed. The woman seems desperate and, I feel, is lacking in unfinished, emotional business. She seems hell bent on NEEDING to be in my husbands life. He pays his maintenence regularly. She stopped his daughter sleeping as this was reducing her money, now because she hasn't got it, she is stopping her child seeing her daddy and has done this infront of an 8 year old!

her behaviour is that of not putting her child ahead of her greed and bitterness and need for constant revenge. How can women do this. She has blatently said "you pay for the priviledge to see you child."

The CSA should have another name and shame list. That of Mothers who refuse access because they aint getting their money!

I know some dads aren't particularly good. (my ex isn't and he doesn't pay) and when there are genuine health issues that should be considered like a child in a violent or bad enviroment then fine, but my husband is a great dad and his daughter loves him so to stop them seeing each other because he has missed ONE payment out of 6 years worth just confirms his ex wife is a money grabbing, selfish woman who cannot truly love her child.

wubbzy

hi, overthehills, i dont post very often but would like to add my support. your situation sounds very similar to the situation we have been in for 11 years, luckily now my oh has joint residency of his daughter due to her now being 13 and being old enough to speak for herself, but we had 9 years of her mum thinking she could stop access whenever she liked, my oh had a period of time he couldnt work due to ill health and was frequently stopped from seeing his daughter because HE DIDNT PAY, unfortunaly many mums use money as a weapon, it took 3 attempts in court over 9 years to put a stop to it and now at last apart from the odd minor quibble things run pretty smooth, although i believe this is more to fo with his daughters age.
you have a long way to go with this with the child only being 8, i would most definatly recommend finding a good solicitor, it took till the 3rd time for us to find a good one, and believe me get the right one and they dont like parents using money as a weapon, my oh didnt pay his ex, but his daughter never went without anything from us, but got only a minimum from her mum as most of her money gets spent in the pub, now we have 50/50 and dont get a penny of child maintenance or tax credit for her, his ex gets it for her weeks and ours, but we dont care we just dont want the hassle.