A random stream of consciousness - apologies in advance!

maurice28

Hello all. I’m not really sure what the purpose of this post is really, other than to vent some feelings to strangers and talk about things I guess I don’t feel able to talk to to anyone else, so apologies in advance if this is in any way self-indulgent! 

I have every reason to be completely happy with life, and I am. I’m married and have two wonderful children, aged 7 and 5. About 9 months ago I started a new job, which came with a 50% pay rise on my previous role, and I am enjoying it. We are also in the lucky position of being able to afford an extension on the house, which is currently being built, to give us some more much needed downstairs space. 

On the face of it, all is going really well. But still, I find myself feeling a bit jumbled up and, for want of a better word, a bit sad. I think there’s a few different things going on: 

• I now work from home, and it’s the summer holidays so the kids are around all day. My wife also gets the summer holidays off but is unwell with COVID at the moment, so as she recovers I’m keeping an eye on the kids alongside working. I have no issues with this at all, it just makes things a bit frantic! Definite flashbacks to lockdown and home schooling (although without the need for online lessons of course!). 
• My wife also suffers from anxiety. It’s not diagnosed and she doesn’t want to speak to the doctor about it, but she gets low and worries about almost all social encounters. I think this adds to the pressure I sometimes feel as she reacts quite badly if I am anything other than positive about things – she relies on me to keep the mood light and upbeat in general. 
• My father is in the early stages of dementia. He was diagnosed last year and is on medication which actually seems to help a lot – if you met him briefly you wouldn’t know there is an issue. He has stopped doing a lot of the things he used to though, such as cooking, and I guess I’m just aware of how the future might look for him. It’s one of those things you can’t do anything about and it isn’t immediately a massive problem but it’s there in the background whenever we see them. 

I’m a laid back person in general, with a reputation for being resilient. On the whole I am, but I find myself fixating on things at times. For example, my new job came with a car allowance and I’ve been really lucky to be able to lease a new car. There’s been a couple of minor issues with it, the wheel alignment needs sorting after hitting a pothole for example, and I find myself fretting about it. I have zero idea why, it’s just a minor thing and can be sorted, but I find it’s lurking in the back of my mind a lot of the time and bringing me down a bit. 

This all sounds so silly, but as I sit at the kitchen table right now typing this I feel like having a little cry. I’m not even sure of the purpose of writing this, certainly not expecting any advice or anything (there isn’t even a proper issue!) but I don’t know, I guess it feels good just to jot something down. 

Sorry if that is just a stream of consciousness, well done if you got this far!

BellaLasagna2018

It seems to me that you are “the rock” to a lot of people: your wife, your kids, your father. I’m not surprised that you feel overwhelmed and feel like having a cry. It really does not sound silly. We all have a limit to how much our resilience bucket can hold. 

Normally, in such a situation you should be able to talk to your wife, and the shared burden might make you feel better. It is clear that you can’t do that here. I’m sure it feels pretty lonely at times. Do you have a close friend you could talk to? If not, maybe a visit to your GP for a chat and maybe being prescribed a little bit of counselling might help? In any case, I feel you need to talk to somebody. 

Roxburgh_rose

Hey there from a fellow generally laid back and resilient one. I don't think any of this sounds silly. It does seem as though you have a generally great and happy life but you have some really big issues to deal with at the moment that you'll know, certainly in the case of your dad, will need more input from you at some stage.

If you're anything like me, the big things, your wife's anxiety, your dad's dementia are things you HAVE to deal with, so you do. But somehow in doing that, some of the small things become overwhelming. As an example, I had a pretty rubbish year in which I had to move my mum into residential care, clear and sell her house, had my husband up and leave, clear and sell my own house and find somewhere new, all topped off with mum dying after which I to make arrangements, manage all the paperwork, execute her will, distribute the bequest...you know, all that stuff. Somehow that was all dealable with, probably because everything came one after the other and there just wasn't time to think or dwell.

The thing that got me sobbing - at some point after everything was all 'sorted' the hoover blew up and then the piece of comfort toast I made to get over it split apart when I buttered it. I was an absolute blubbering wreck for hours - no exaggeration.

Obviously it wasn't the hoover or the toast, I think it was finally, subconsciously, giving in to the crapness of all the other stuff. I had a good think about everything, realised I'd actually dealt with an enormous amount and 'gave myself permission' (I think the expression is) to be really really flippin' upset about it. 

Give yourself a break. You're dealing with a lots at the moment. You are managing the important things and to keep doing that your mind is focussing on the wee niggles. Let it do that, have a good sob, have a good scream (somewhere you'll not terrify anyone) and on no account try buttering any toast!  

Jude57

Don't apologise for needing to offload. There's nothing to apologise for. Recognising that you're struggling to cope is a positive thing.

By any measure, you have a lot on your plate and it's not surprising you're starting to feel overwhelmed. I'm sorry your wife is physically unwell and hope she'll recover fully soon. Her mental health is a different thing and if she won't seek help she's ensuring she will never improve her mental health. You are not and can not be responsible for her mental health. By all means be supportive but it's extremely unfair of her to expect you to be positive and upbeat all the time. That's like saying that your mental and emotional well-being are not as important as hers. You are entitled to your feelings and they matter every bit as much as hers. It seems that you are starting to feel anxious yourself and while it's not a competition, you at least see that there's an issue.

I'd suggest you think about what would help you deal with things. You might want to seek counselling yourself, to find coping strategies. Your employer might have an employee care programme or your GP could help by signposting you to local services. Check their website to see whether you have any local self-referral services. If you search online for men's mental health, you should get results including local services.

If you are feeling you need a way out at any time, please call the Samaritans. I lost a friend last year and although we knew he was dealing with a lot, none of us guessed how badly he was struggling because he always put on an upbeat facade. The number is 116 123 or they have an email facility, jo@samaritans.org

RAS

Agree with the above.

You've not only got a lot on your plate, you're also facing the fact that life is likely to get more difficult in the next few years regarding your dad, whilst you're not getting mutual support from your wife.

Maybe look at your priorities for the next few years and consider deferring major upheavals like house moves and extensions, or even job changes. 

Also make positive plans to maintain relationships outside the immediate family, even if only once a week, and include time spent outdoors. You need a support structure and friendships.

And next time, allow yourself to have a good cry. It's OK to recognise that life can be challenging.

Brie

Hello Fellow Rock(s)!  

Yeah it all adds up some weeks doesn't it!?!!  You'd have to be solid granite to not be overwhelmed by some of it occasionally.

I can't help at all with the kids - other than to say I have it on good authority that school holidays don't last forever (even if it doesn't feel like that right now.)

Spouse having anxiety - been there, coped with that.  Don't know how.  Smiled a lot.  Agreed.  Chatted inanely when inane chatter was required.  Reminded him to breathe and "ok now lets go out and do.....".

As for your dad.....been through that too (but with mom & MiL).  I'd say get the practical things done.  Powers of Attorney in place?  Will?  List of bank accounts and other financial things?  Easy to get third party authority on bank accounts to help out.  If I feel like the emotional bit of things is too much to bear I go to the practical and start thinking "what's going to make this work for us in the future?"  When you know you've got stuff ticking in the right direction then you will feel calmer about the situation and be better able to deal with the other stuff.  

If you don't know what to do about individual bits and pieces break the bits apart and post about individual things on the various forums here.  Lots of really helpful and nice people hanging about just wanting to help.  Don't ask me how I know!!!!

maurice28

Thank you all for your kind words, that definitely helps! I don't think I was expecting any kind of response so thank you, truly.

BellaLasagna2018 said:

Normally, in such a situation you should be able to talk to your wife, and the shared burden might make you feel better. It is clear that you can’t do that here. I’m sure it feels pretty lonely at times. Do you have a close friend you could talk to? If not, maybe a visit to your GP for a chat and maybe being prescribed a little bit of counselling might help? In any case, I feel you need to talk to somebody. 

I don't really have any close friends to talk to about all this. I don't mean that in a 'woe is me' way, more that in my late 30s with kids, and my friends being in a similar boat and in different areas of the country, you drift apart a bit don't you? But you're right, I'm looking into the services offered through my employer where you can talk to someone remotely (I know someone else mentioned this in the thread, thank you) so that might certainly help.

Roxburgh_rose said:

If you're anything like me, the big things, your wife's anxiety, your dad's dementia are things you HAVE to deal with, so you do. But somehow in doing that, some of the small things become overwhelming. As an example, I had a pretty rubbish year in which I had to move my mum into residential care, clear and sell her house, had my husband up and leave, clear and sell my own house and find somewhere new, all topped off with mum dying after which I to make arrangements, manage all the paperwork, execute her will, distribute the bequest...you know, all that stuff. Somehow that was all dealable with, probably because everything came one after the other and there just wasn't time to think or dwell.

The thing that got me sobbing - at some point after everything was all 'sorted' the hoover blew up and then the piece of comfort toast I made to get over it split apart when I buttered it. I was an absolute blubbering wreck for hours - no exaggeration.

Thank you for sharing this - that sounds like one hell of a year! I hope you are OK now. It really is the case of the straw that broke the camel's back isn't it? Saying that, I think I'd cry about destroying toast at the best of times!

Jude57 said:

By any measure, you have a lot on your plate and it's not surprising you're starting to feel overwhelmed. I'm sorry your wife is physically unwell and hope she'll recover fully soon. Her mental health is a different thing and if she won't seek help she's ensuring she will never improve her mental health. You are not and can not be responsible for her mental health. By all means be supportive but it's extremely unfair of her to expect you to be positive and upbeat all the time. That's like saying that your mental and emotional well-being are not as important as hers. You are entitled to your feelings and they matter every bit as much as hers. It seems that you are starting to feel anxious yourself and while it's not a competition, you at least see that there's an issue.

If you are feeling you need a way out at any time, please call the Samaritans. I lost a friend last year and although we knew he was dealing with a lot, none of us guessed how badly he was struggling because he always put on an upbeat facade. The number is 116 123 or they have an email facility, jo@samaritans.org

Your first paragraph sums up almost word for word how I feel about things with my wife at times. Of course, I then feel bad about feeling that way but you're right, it seems like the expectation is that we just carry on like this forever with no attempt to see what might help. She suffers from all the symptoms of something like Generalised Anxiety Disorder (and agrees as much) but does not see the value in speaking to the GP. At times it makes me think like she'll think me silly for going for help if I truly felt I needed it, but perhaps that is doing her a disservice. 

Thank you for flagging the Samaritans. Someone I went to school with committed suicide a year or so ago, leaving behind a wife and young family, so I'm aware of how the strain can manifest itself. It's definitely something I'd seek help for way before getting to that point.

RAS said:

Agree with the above.

You've not only got a lot on your plate, you're also facing the fact that life is likely to get more difficult in the next few years regarding your dad, whilst you're not getting mutual support from your wife.

I worry I give the wrong impression of my wife - she is and would be supportive, it's more me feeling like I can't add to her burden of feeling unhappy at times. I'm lucky that I have an older sister to help with the family things - although she lives 100 miles away from mum and dad whereas I live a couple of miles away so naturally the bulk of what needs doing will fall to me and my wife.

Brie said:

As for your dad.....been through that too (but with mom & MiL).  I'd say get the practical things done.  Powers of Attorney in place?  Will?  List of bank accounts and other financial things?  Easy to get third party authority on bank accounts to help out.  If I feel like the emotional bit of things is too much to bear I go to the practical and start thinking "what's going to make this work for us in the future?"  When you know you've got stuff ticking in the right direction then you will feel calmer about the situation and be better able to deal with the other stuff.  

If you don't know what to do about individual bits and pieces break the bits apart and post about individual things on the various forums here.  Lots of really helpful and nice people hanging about just wanting to help.  Don't ask me how I know!!!!

It sounds like you have been through a lot, thank you for sharing! Yes, the practical stuff is in hand, and the Alzheimer's Society have been a great help, particularly for mum, so far. I think in general I'm quite calm about it all (filing it away in the 'worries for another time' box) but I guess it lurks in the back of my mind whenever I see them.

Wow, this is almost like a therapy session! Thank you everyone for your messages, I really do appreciate it. I know how lucky I am in general, that's what I keep reminding myself!

pjcox2005

Just another one to add that i think this is quite common no matter the levels of success. Being an adult is quite often hard, and the pace of life, expectations and supporting so many people will push mental health.

I think I'd take a step back, try to break cycles so carve out time for yourself, try to do something like positive affirmation or note things that you are grateful for and then yes speak to a GP or even invite another parent from the school down the pub. You'd probably be surprised how common the thoughts are, but i'd try to improve things now before they overwhelm.

The other one is to consider taking a proper two week break at some point - one hol, one practical so you can feel you can get on top of stuff away from work.

maurice28

Thank you and yes, it's the taking time for ourselves that I don't think either of us are very good at. You get caught in the routine of getting everything done don't you?

We are actually going on holiday for a week in a few weeks so very much looking forward to that. And you know, next week, my wife will be back to 100% and the kids will be more entertained and I'll probably feel right as rain. It's just nice to vent sometimes when things feel a bit much.

bouicca21

A holiday will help. So will taking yourself out for an hour or so (or even just a half hour) of me time - gym, swim, coffee, walk, just sit in a park - whatever you find relaxing.

A friend has serious issues with anxiety.  I thought it flared because of problems with a close relative’s health but now the issue is finally sorted I realise the trigger that made it seriously worse was  probably a long running dispute with a utility company about a ridiculously inflated bill.

in the meantime he went for a private course of CBT.  He said it was enormously helpful, maybe you could persuade your wife to look into CBT? 

TripleH

I've probably cried more this year than I have since I was a child.

Life generally has been getting better for us for a number of reasons after 4 years of struggle.

We lost our eldest cat and to me this triggered grief held from the unexpected death of my father (which I felt I wasn't able to process in a way comfortable to me).

I think life can get too much at times and we all need to be able to deal with things our own way without having to explain. Please never feel weak or that you're letting anyone down if you need to cry, ask for help or even talk to someone to let out your frustrations.

Or even if you just need to go into the middle of nowhere and scream your heart out.