Would it be wise to move in now?

Timberflake1983

Hi all,

I'll try to keep this brief and to the point. My girlfriends marriage ended with her husband early in 2021 and he moved out in September 2021. She filed for divorce in November 2021 and the decree nisi has just been granted. She returned her form e months ago, he has yet to complete his.

When he moved out, his mother gave him a lump sum to pay his half of the mortgage for 6 months, this was in lieu of child maintenance (they have 3 girls, 14, 12, and 10) and from April he has been paying an agreed amount which was calculated by the CMS, but that's all.

I'd like to understand what, if anything, he could do if we chose to move in together now? Could he stop it? And would he be entitled to more than 50% of the equity in the house as and when the financials are agreed? That's the only liquid asset other than their private pensions and hers it only slightly larger than his.

We could wait until the financials have been split and the decree absolute granted but he's made it clear that he will delay as much as he possibly can and I can see this going on into next year.

skint_chick

Child maintenance won't change if you move in, it's based on his income and the number of children they have together. The usual starting point for splitting the property would be 50/50 and he would need to show reasons why he should get more - since he appears to be working if paying CMS this seems unlikely. Best for your partner to try and get him to sort out financials- maybe the promise of a lump sum if equity with the cost of living increasing will convince him to settle - the last thing you want is him deciding to move back in!

Timberflake1983

Yes he is working. She’s tried to buy him out at his request but when she put the financials to him he refused, hence my thinking that he’s going to drag this on for a long as possible, especially since he’s had his form e for 6 months and still not returned it.

We’re ready for me to move in now and want to give the children a couple of months to get used to the idea so would like to start the conversation now, our only concern is that he could prevent it from happening or make an argument for more than 50% equity if I were to move in before financials are finalised.

SavingPennies_2

Less than 12 months between dad moving out and mum's new boyfriend moving in is a lot for 3 girls/ teenagers. Might be better all round to wait till the finances are sorted anyway, next year isn't that long to wait since you've not been together that long anyway.

Richiem1987

Too soon with kids involved better to wait it out, usually at least a 2 year gap. In my case, I can't even enter my partners house, as her ex-husband has a legal agreement written up which they both signed at the time preventing male "social" visitors (family excepted) to the property, despite him having moved out in 2018, but as he still owns 50%, then he can do that. 

TBagpuss

Child maintenace wouldn't change but your financial postion becomes relvant, your girlfriends needs reduce as it is reasonable to assume that you are paying your share of the bills and other outgoings.  Much beter to wait and not make any concrete plans to move in together until the fiancial settlement has been finalised . then, once she has had a cahce to take stock once te order has been implemented, the two of you can start thinking about whther you want to move in together. 
Also, he only moved out in September. It's a bit soon to have another partner moving in when the childnre are probably still adjusting to their dad having moved out. 

TBagpuss

Richiem1987 said:

Too soon with kids involved better to wait it out, usually at least a 2 year gap. In my case, I can't even enter my partners house, as her ex-husband has a legal agreement written up which they both signed at the time preventing male "social" visitors (family excepted) to the property, despite him having moved out in 2018, but as he still owns 50%, then he can do that. 

In fairness, that is a VERY weird and unusual agreement and while people are free to agree on whatever they want, between themselves,  that's a very controllingand bizrre term to have sought or accepted . It is quite common (especially where a property is staying in joint names) for the remarraige or cohabotation of the occupyingspouse to trigger a requirement to sell the propeerty or othewise gat the other spouse released rom the mortgage / paid their share of the equity, but a blanket ban on male friends ?  Extremely unusual and almost impossible to enforce.

I assume that they haven't had a formal order? 

pinkshoes

Timberflake1983 said:

Hi all,

I'll try to keep this brief and to the point. My girlfriends marriage ended with her husband early in 2021 and he moved out in September 2021. She filed for divorce in November 2021 and the decree nisi has just been granted. She returned her form e months ago, he has yet to complete his.

Slow down!

They only split up just over a year ago, and he only moved out 9 months ago!!! 

Either she was cheating on him with you (in which case, your relationship started on dishonest grounds), or you got together not long after he left, in which case it could easily be a rebound relationship.  

Given there are three children involved here, it is way too early to start moving in together after such a short relationship.

Put the kids first and keep things as they are until the divorce and finances are settled. If the relationship was meant to be, then this won't be an issue.

Sncjw

Why are you desperate to move in now. Why can't it wait. 

If you loved her you would let the dust settle. Divorce is one of the top stressful things along with moving home.

On top of that you have the family dynamics in regards to the children who will be aware of what's going will need time to get used to their new life before introducing a new person into their life that is their permanently. 

You need to build a relationship with the children. 

eamon

Is nobody else seeing what I am seeing here? If you aren't then read it all again and slower.

Twixty3

So.  If not for the financials you would be living there now but instead you both are deliberately delaying you moving in until the financials are sorted.  

If you move in the  day after the financials are sorted you will have both have manipulated a situation which suggests the financials may favour her.  That would be fine if it was a true reflection of her as being without a partner and waiting for him to move in at a time that suits her desired financial split. 

If the current financial deal favours her maybe a deal closer to a 50/50 split would make him move.  I doubt he would get more than 50%. 

He likely is wise to your plans so in some ways you both have put the ball in his court. I’m not sure if he can delay forever though as the courts could end up deciding. 

I also doubt he could do much if you moved in and in moving in, which you both want to do, would be a more honest reflection of her/your financial situation as without that in the way you would be living there already by the sound of it and deliberately choosing to delay is playing games.  

Whilst I agree that it’s all a little soon as it’s always best to close one chapter before opening another you clearly both want it so why not just do it and if it means a 50/50 split, so what ?  You’ll be there to financially  contribute.  

Ultimately, you both can do as you please here but it is also by choice delaying what you both want.   Hopefully it all works out in the end and all parties can move on.