We can't afford anything

arghhhh

elsien said:

I do think that you should head over to the benefits viewed and post there. Now that you are on PIP it may make a difference to your entitlement and as a family you may still be entitled to some UC. 

The 16K is a savings limit, not an earnings limit. It may also be that the work allowance lets your husband keep more of his earnings.
Are you claiming child tax credits? 
If you’ve not had a recent full benefits check, you have nothing to lose by looking at it again, 

I regularly check online and we also had a benefits check through CAB very recently too. We are on child tax credits. Anything we can claim would be taken away from tax credits, plus more, so we would be worse off. It may be different on Universal Credit, but not for us in our situation. I claimed PIP and got less than I was told I should receive, but I've had enough of the conflict. I considered ESA but there were too many one to one assessments and meetings and I can't handle it, so I cancelled before I received anything from them. I asked if there were different options available but there isn't.

I would be intitled to an adaptation grant for our home, but whilst we were waiting for a diagnosis (which is needed to claim), my needs couldn't wait, so we had to do it ourselves via credit card. Funnily enough they don't backdate either. My husband did all the building work.

arghhhh

I've looked into IAPT and there is no service for my area. I was using talk therapy, but the service was cancelled at the beginning of 2020 without any notice. I called them one day and they said that they don't have a government contract anymore, so were not able to talk to me. All the services in my area have slowly disappeared. The post office and shop went the week we moved in. The health visitor clinic, toddler group...it's all gone. Nothing but pubs and churches for over 8 miles and even then it's just a corner shop.

I've found something similar and they put me on hold for just under half an hour, but the person who transferred my call told me that the lines were still busy and she couldn't see me getting through. She offered to call back, but it's almost 2am and the phone would wake everyone up. I can't be doing this during the day, it's not appropriate with all the little ones around my feet. II was told to try again tomorrow night. It didn't sound like they were that certain about referring me for bipolar assessment. I was on hold to ask if I could be referred. 

Spendless

arghhhh said:

2budgeteers said:

This sounds like a very difficult situation but you have reached out and it takes a lot of mental strength to do that so well done. 

All I can think of are these things:

FOOD: shop just before closing or be bold and ask when reductions occur and purchase at that time. You can save 75%. Join the OLIO app, it is free and although you are remote your husband may find someone near his work to collect from. You collect free food that is close to best before or use by. Batch cook and use lentils to bulk out "meat meals" like shepherds pies to use less meat. Call your council and see if they have a list of food banks and food hubs (not means tested) where you can collect free toiletries and food without evidence of benefits. See if you can get hold of free or cheap seeds to grow your own food if you have a garden. 

EDUCATION: I am sure that there are home schooling groups online where you can seek help from others on what they did in terms of seeking advice and getting help from parents groups online. You can also seek general autism support here. 

WORK: Could your husband find out if his work has an employee assistance program which you could access yourself. These offer free counselling sessions-up to 6. Can your husband lift share for at least some of the week to minimise fuel costs. Either with someone from his work or via carshare websites (if you Google there are some). 

MENTAL HEALTH: see if you have IAPT in your area or push hard on your GP I not. iAPT is mental health provision from the NHS which you self refer to and you don't need your GP to. Also see if your husband can aswell. 
Practice self care for yourself so you don't reach burnt out for too long, things like a book, meditation from YouTube, spending time outdoors, focus less on those that are toxic (harder said than done but write down how they make you feel and then put it aside) etc. 

BILLS/ECONOMICAL: shop around for everything you have and see if you can get anything cheaper. Look around and see what you can sell from the house. Block up any heat or electricity draining sources, e.g. Use wind power to dry things not tumble dryers. Wash clothes less. Re use water from washing up bowls for watering. Go into websites like Freecycle, freegle, trash nothing, gumtree Freebies, Preloved when you need to buy things to see if anyone is offering for free on there, if not then second hand before new. 

Sorry if teaching to suck eggs, just trying to think of doable things to alleviate situation quickly. 

Good luck 

FOOD: Our nearest supermarket is a two hour round trip, so we generally only go shopping once every 4-6 weeks, which saves on fuel. I preserve food, if we buy short dated food I'll make salsa, sauces etc and store in sterilised jars (that we reuse). We forage throughout the year; beech nuts, hazelnuts, damsons, elderflowers, elderberries, rose hips, wild garlic, cherries and blackberries. I freeze some and preserve others in jars. We're a vegan household, so we don't have the expense of meat and dairy. The most processed foods we eat would be baked beans, stock cubes, sugar and oil. We don't buy ready meals. I bought a 25kg sack of chickpeas a year ago and it is still going strong. Once a month, I'll make falafel into different shapes and using different flavours and freeze and it makes some hearty meals. So we are not currently buying food, but I'm aware that we will eventually need to buy food again and it's weighing on my mind. We have already chosen 'eat' over 'heat'. We don't use the radiators; we just used our fire on really cold days and brough blankets downstairs, which the kids thought was fun. If we have to use a food bank, what is my husband even working for? He's not getting any older and his back is in a bad way now. I collect and store seeds from food we grow. We bought some fruit trees for £5 each three years ago and we finally had fruit on them last year, but because they're near our fence, someone picked them clean before we harvested them.

EDUCATION: I'm a member of a few home ed groups on facebook, both national and regional and some even specific to ADHD and autism, but this seems to be the way things are. You just get ignored and if you say your child is autistic to a professional, without a diagnosis, you get a mouthful. Whether you give it a name or not, the challenges and needs are the same, they don't start from the day it has a label!

WORK: We are so rural, nobody he works with is on this side of his place of work. There is no option to car share, although my husband would be open to it, there just isn't anyone from his work out this way.

MENTAL HEALTH: All the toxic people in my life are my maternal family. I basically allowed my mother to abuse me, never spoke up and still haven't but my Mum has constantly being running a fake dialogue of who I am to anyone who'll listen to her and I don't have the strength to tell the truth because I know they wouldn't believe me. Only my husband and one other family member has seen a bit of who she is, until she turned on my children last year and I went NC from that day, which just happened to be Christmas Day, that we were hosting. We have a toxic neighbour, that rents some land near our house, but I think she has her only mental health issues, which got quite scary for a while last year as she was claiming our address was hers. Police warned her off and she's stayed away since CCTV went up. I'm going to look up IAPT, thank you. Anything that requires the GP to refer me seems to result in no, so it's great to know that there is another route.

BILLS/ECONOMICAL: When we go shopping, we generally go to several shops. We uses short date shops a lot. We recently did a car boot, but it was grim. We split the stall cost with someone else, but despite selling three quarters of what we took, we made around £35. 70% of our building materials have been repurposed or off facebook marketplace/gumtree. We don't own a dishwasher or a tumble dryer, but I do need to use the washing machine everyday (always full loads) to ensure that I don't overload the house with wet clothes and cause a damp issue. We buy toilet roll from Farmfoods where 18 months ago you could buy 4 18 packs for £10, that has now jumped to £17! We only go when we have vouchers and because the vouchers only last around 2 weeks before they expire, we buy quite a lot, which is now frowned on, but it's a two hour round trip for us. They don't deliver, so the Farmfood vouchers determine when we go shopping and then we'll top up anything else that we have run out of whilst we're there. 

I'm grateful for any advice. Thank you, I'm going to go and look up IAPT now.

arghhhh said:

2budgeteers said:

This sounds like a very difficult situation but you have reached out and it takes a lot of mental strength to do that so well done. 

All I can think of are these things:

FOOD: shop just before closing or be bold and ask when reductions occur and purchase at that time. You can save 75%. Join the OLIO app, it is free and although you are remote your husband may find someone near his work to collect from. You collect free food that is close to best before or use by. Batch cook and use lentils to bulk out "meat meals" like shepherds pies to use less meat. Call your council and see if they have a list of food banks and food hubs (not means tested) where you can collect free toiletries and food without evidence of benefits. See if you can get hold of free or cheap seeds to grow your own food if you have a garden. 

EDUCATION: I am sure that there are home schooling groups online where you can seek help from others on what they did in terms of seeking advice and getting help from parents groups online. You can also seek general autism support here. 

WORK: Could your husband find out if his work has an employee assistance program which you could access yourself. These offer free counselling sessions-up to 6. Can your husband lift share for at least some of the week to minimise fuel costs. Either with someone from his work or via carshare websites (if you Google there are some). 

MENTAL HEALTH: see if you have IAPT in your area or push hard on your GP I not. iAPT is mental health provision from the NHS which you self refer to and you don't need your GP to. Also see if your husband can aswell. 
Practice self care for yourself so you don't reach burnt out for too long, things like a book, meditation from YouTube, spending time outdoors, focus less on those that are toxic (harder said than done but write down how they make you feel and then put it aside) etc. 

BILLS/ECONOMICAL: shop around for everything you have and see if you can get anything cheaper. Look around and see what you can sell from the house. Block up any heat or electricity draining sources, e.g. Use wind power to dry things not tumble dryers. Wash clothes less. Re use water from washing up bowls for watering. Go into websites like Freecycle, freegle, trash nothing, gumtree Freebies, Preloved when you need to buy things to see if anyone is offering for free on there, if not then second hand before new. 

Sorry if teaching to suck eggs, just trying to think of doable things to alleviate situation quickly. 

Good luck 

FOOD: Our nearest supermarket is a two hour round trip, so we generally only go shopping once every 4-6 weeks, which saves on fuel. I preserve food, if we buy short dated food I'll make salsa, sauces etc and store in sterilised jars (that we reuse). We forage throughout the year; beech nuts, hazelnuts, damsons, elderflowers, elderberries, rose hips, wild garlic, cherries and blackberries. I freeze some and preserve others in jars. We're a vegan household, so we don't have the expense of meat and dairy. The most processed foods we eat would be baked beans, stock cubes, sugar and oil. We don't buy ready meals. I bought a 25kg sack of chickpeas a year ago and it is still going strong. Once a month, I'll make falafel into different shapes and using different flavours and freeze and it makes some hearty meals. So we are not currently buying food, but I'm aware that we will eventually need to buy food again and it's weighing on my mind. We have already chosen 'eat' over 'heat'. We don't use the radiators; we just used our fire on really cold days and brough blankets downstairs, which the kids thought was fun. If we have to use a food bank, what is my husband even working for? He's not getting any older and his back is in a bad way now. I collect and store seeds from food we grow. We bought some fruit trees for £5 each three years ago and we finally had fruit on them last year, but because they're near our fence, someone picked them clean before we harvested them.

EDUCATION: I'm a member of a few home ed groups on facebook, both national and regional and some even specific to ADHD and autism, but this seems to be the way things are. You just get ignored and if you say your child is autistic to a professional, without a diagnosis, you get a mouthful. Whether you give it a name or not, the challenges and needs are the same, they don't start from the day it has a label!

WORK: We are so rural, nobody he works with is on this side of his place of work. There is no option to car share, although my husband would be open to it, there just isn't anyone from his work out this way.

MENTAL HEALTH: All the toxic people in my life are my maternal family. I basically allowed my mother to abuse me, never spoke up and still haven't but my Mum has constantly being running a fake dialogue of who I am to anyone who'll listen to her and I don't have the strength to tell the truth because I know they wouldn't believe me. Only my husband and one other family member has seen a bit of who she is, until she turned on my children last year and I went NC from that day, which just happened to be Christmas Day, that we were hosting. We have a toxic neighbour, that rents some land near our house, but I think she has her only mental health issues, which got quite scary for a while last year as she was claiming our address was hers. Police warned her off and she's stayed away since CCTV went up. I'm going to look up IAPT, thank you. Anything that requires the GP to refer me seems to result in no, so it's great to know that there is another route.

BILLS/ECONOMICAL: When we go shopping, we generally go to several shops. We uses short date shops a lot. We recently did a car boot, but it was grim. We split the stall cost with someone else, but despite selling three quarters of what we took, we made around £35. 70% of our building materials have been repurposed or off facebook marketplace/gumtree. We don't own a dishwasher or a tumble dryer, but I do need to use the washing machine everyday (always full loads) to ensure that I don't overload the house with wet clothes and cause a damp issue. We buy toilet roll from Farmfoods where 18 months ago you could buy 4 18 packs for £10, that has now jumped to £17! We only go when we have vouchers and because the vouchers only last around 2 weeks before they expire, we buy quite a lot, which is now frowned on, but it's a two hour round trip for us. They don't deliver, so the Farmfood vouchers determine when we go shopping and then we'll top up anything else that we have run out of whilst we're there. 

I'm grateful for any advice. Thank you, I'm going to go and look up IAPT now.

Yes because without a diagnosis from a professional acting in that capacity you don't actually know. You may suspect or believe but you can't say they are - even if it sticks out like a sore thumb to you. I once used the word 'depressed' to describe my DD. Of course this is a medical condition so I got told not to use it - because there was no official diagnosis. After that I  learnt my lesson steered away from saying what (I believed)she had and instead described every single symptom she had instead so they could reach their own conclusion.

Even a medical professional has to be able to diagnosis, not everyone is qualified to do so.  Later having got nowhere with childrens MH services we discovered we could use our family private health cover for therapy. There DD was assessed as having PTSD, depression and anxiety, but again it's not a diagnosis because the Healthcare professional  though she was using exactly the same format to do the assessment as you would a diagnosis, is not medically qualified in her capacity to make a diagnosis. DD was fortunate that when a few months later  her therapist recommended she needed a course of medication first before continuing counselling sessions, she'd turned 18 was under adult services and our GP was prepared to listen and prescribe. If she'd still been classed as being a child (upto 18 in our area I believe) it would have been a lot trickier. 

I agree that your own MH needs help  because without it you're not in a great place to support  the kids going through this

Northern_Tribe

OP, sorry if you have addressed this issue and I have missed it - another contributor asked if you could move house to an urban area where there would be a greater choice of schools and you would be closer to your husband's work, swimming lessons etc. You have a toxic neighbour and an unsympathetic GP so there seems little support in your current area. I appreciate that you may love your current home but it doesn't seem to be working for you.

arghhhh

Northern_Tribe said:

OP, sorry if you have addressed this issue and I have missed it - another contributor asked if you could move house to an urban area where there would be a greater choice of schools and you would be closer to your husband's work, swimming lessons etc. You have a toxic neighbour and an unsympathetic GP so there seems little support in your current area. I appreciate that you may love your current home but it doesn't seem to be working for you.

There are not the funds. I'm not currently working. I'm ill most days and I have 5 little ones at home with me. The only 'work from home' job I can find that truly involves working from home, are phone-based, and as you can probably imagine, my house is not quiet enough to do this. We have more equity in our house, but not enough to even buy a three bedroom house on just my husband's wage. We moved over 2 hours away from where  we originally lived, because this was the cheapest area to live, within a two-hour radius. I search all the time, but our area hasn't increased in value at the same rate as everywhere else. We are truly stuck here. If we lose the house, we have nowhere to go. W bought this house with my income and my husband's income. I was going to start a bakery, that we began adapting a room for, but since the crash, there are things I can't do, so now I need specialist equipment and we just don't have the funds to adapt it now. 

I went to sleep yesterday just before midnight, by 1.30am I had already got up twice with two of our children with additional needs. I got up again at 2.30am, 4.15am and was still awake at 5am when another got up. My DLA appeal was refused because they said that there was no proof that the child I applied for, had needs in excess of a child of similar age. The only children that get up in my house are the three with additional needs. I feel like I'm being pulled apart and they're basically calling me a liar. They said that I should have seen a sleep specialist with them, but the doctors will not refer for anything. There must be some financial penalty to the GPs or something, because I have lumps and pain in my breasts and they won't refer me for a scan for that either. I've had the pain get so bad that I can't cope and I've begged them to help me find medication that will ease it (currently nothing has), but they don't. I can't get a face to face appointment, everything is on the phone (whilst my children are around my feet) and I have no privacy, I tell them to call the house phone, but they call my husband's mobile (which I find intrusive). I was suicidal and told them that I felt that I had traits of bipolar. They didn't ask me why or how I was feeling. They just said wait for your ASD assessment, which I've been on a waiting list for over a year, but I contacted the doctor about this at the beginning of 2018. I thought there was meant to be a push on mental health services, but if there is, I haven't seen a change.