The Mental Debt Struggle...

AntoMac

I think you’ve made a wise decision re the job Keedie. I think part of that is due to your HR background where you have to way up lots of options in most individual cases, and there is not always one clear and obvious answer. I learned so much when I listened in to various calls to our HR call centre when I was seconded to a different part of the business. It really changed the way I think about things.
My sealed pot money box is also less hollow now, and is no longer light as a feather. I see you with your organised way has a separate tin for 20p and under, whereas I just bung all mine into the same pot.
Anyway, keep being kind. You know no other way thankfully. It is what you are.

badmemory

Please take care you don't land up doing the role both unpaid & unacknowledged.

Keedie

Yes @AntoMac, working 15 years in HR has really shaped the way that I think about things, and how people can be so different. It also makes you realise that what you see on the surface and what happens behind the scenes with someone is often like night and day. 

Don't worry @badmemory, I won't be doing anything extra. I've been burnt a few times in the past regarding that, so I won't fall into that trap again. But thank you for caring enough to warn me 😁.

LittleMissDetermined

AntoMac said:

I think you’ve made a wise decision re the job Keedie. I think part of that is due to your HR background where you have to way up lots of options in most individual cases, and there is not always one clear and obvious answer. I learned so much when I listened in to various calls to our HR call centre when I was seconded to a different part of the business. It really changed the way I think about things.
My sealed pot money box is also less hollow now, and is no longer light as a feather. I see you with your organised way has a separate tin for 20p and under, whereas I just bung all mine into the same pot.
Anyway, keep being kind. You know no other way thankfully. It is what you are.

I bag my coins up as I go and keep a track of each denomination on my spreadsheet. Then, once the bags hit the required amount by the bank I deposit the change and put it in my virtual pot. My pot isn't sealed, but I managed not to dip into it last year so I think I will be OK   This approach takes into account my obsessive personality, obviously! 

Keedie

I completely lack the will power @LittleMissDetermined to have a pot that isn't sealed - I do not trust myself!  🤦🏾‍♀️😂 But I like the fact that you have an idea of what you're working with. 

My Curious Cats payments are clocking up and my son even suffered one aged at teenagers that gave us £0.85. He wasn't impressed with the payout but I was delighted 😂.

Things on the homeschool front are finally getting on track! My son spending part of the week at my mum's and going to and from college from her house and doing his online lessons from there is helping. He's finally accepted that this is the routine and we just have to ride it out for the next 6/7 months. I've got the money together finally for me to pay for his exam fees, so I will be going to the exam centre by the weekend to pay the £540. It's been hanging over my head and I keep having anxiety that I've taken so long and they'll say that the exam centre is full and he won't forgive me for messing up his exams. But I think a part of me was holding back to see if he'd likely sit all 3 exams that I have to pay for, as he's been all over the place. But he's focussed now. The last 6 months have been crazy stressful, but he's able to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I had an assessment for one to one therapy today with the psychology team at the Community Mental Health Team (CMHT) office today. It was with the main psychologist and a student psychologist, and the student will be taking over my sessions in the coming weeks. I can't go next week as I have my licodaine treatment, but I will be going in two weeks time. It was so nice to speak to people that can put a plan in place to help me. I've felt very overwhelmed for the longest time, and knowing that I will have a plan of action in place soon, has put a big smile on my face.

I got a letter from the DVLA about my driving licence as the 6 weeks is coming to an end, and they said that the they've written to my psychiatrist and cannot make a decision until he responds. So I think they were basically just letting me know why there is a delay. I kept checking my driving licence details on the DVLA website to see if the duration of the licence was reduced. But there was no change and now I know why, but it means that I'll just have to plod on a little longer and see what happens. Fingers crossed it works out 🤞🏾.

Keedie

Well today was anticlimactic...

I rushed to the exam centre to pay the £540 for my son's exam fees, with my own receipt that I made as I was paying in cash to benefit from the 10% discount. Got there just in time, made the payment and was feeling relieved that it wasn't too late. Only for the guy to confirm after he took the money, signed my receipt and photocopied it, that the exam registration doesn't open until February 2023!

I'm glad that I've registered and it's paid for, as it was causing me a lot of anxiety, but I felt really deflated that I'd been stressing myself over the fees, and scraped it all together this side of Christmas when it could have waited... 🤦🏾‍♀️. 

I put £10 in my sealed pot as I've decided that I will save £5 notes if at the end of each week it has not been used. So this was the first week that I have been able to do this, so that was exciting at least lol. 

AntoMac

Better 3 months early than rushing at the last minute Keedie! The main things is you’ve paid the exam fees now so the anxiety that you went through is now finished, rather than sitting in the back of your mind into the New Year. So hopefully you’ll still see it very much as a success.  I had a lovely catch up with a friend I used to work with who has recently started a new job across Town after redundancy. He said he has really learned the value of giving himself more than enough time to get to work, and done away with the stress of getting there just in time through the morning traffic. I think you have, albeit accidentally, done a similar thing by getting the fees sorted so early. He’s also gone for a lower paying, less stressful and much more enjoyable role than he used to do. It was good to see him so happy. I’m relating this to you taking the less stressful option with your work by the way, as well as waffling of course 
It’s also great that you had cash left over for your sealed pot, and that the survey money is mounting up.

Keedie

You're definitely not waffling so don't worry @AntoMac and thank you for the perspective. And you're right. I am glad that I paid it off before the deadline, which I realised when I looked at the email again when I got home, was 31 March 2023! 🤦🏾‍♀️ The centre is small, so I did still run the risk of people registering and paying before I did and he had no place as it was not finalised. The fact that my son was so anxious for me to rush down there to pay for it so that he could sit the exams in the summer just shows how far he's come with his attitude to his future. He couldn't see himself getting any GCSEs back in September, and now he's focussed and handling his mocks with more maturity. He got a grade 4 on the foundation paper for science at college (as he finally acknowledged when confronted with a mock exam that had one higher and one foundation paper, that he's not going to attempt a higher paper), and he said he could see where he lost marks so he's going to practice more.

It's so great to see that your friend is much happier. Having less stress and doing things in a way that is kind to ourselves is really fundamental to our mental wellbeing. I am often exceptionally hard on myself and I am trying to show myself the kindness that I so easily extend to others... It's a work in progress, but I am trying. 

My Deputy Director emailed me to let me know that the promotion role has been officially advertised, but I won't be applying for it. Hopefully they'll appoint someone that knows what they're doing. I will increase my hours per week and I have made peace with that, even though I know I am going to be very tired and sore as a result of it.  With the cost of living going up and up, there isn't really any money for overpayments or sustaining our current lifestyle and I really need to leave my job, as mentally I can't handle it anymore. But I've promised myself that I can't do that until I have cleared MBNA and Creation. Once I'm just down to my Barclaycard and my mum, I will be able to change jobs and hopefully have a short employment break if I can save 2-3 months of Barclaycard payments before I leave. My mum thinks I should take an unpaid sabbatical instead, but I think knowing that I have to return to work would just depress me. I'd be better off trying to find something else.

AntoMac

I definitely agree that a sabbatical wouldn’t be a good idea. The thought of having to return to the job you don’t like would be constantly at the back of your mind. 

Having your son enthusiastic and onboard must give you a real lift. Onwards and upwards. 

Keedie

Yeah that's what I was thinking @AntoMac. I don't want that hanging over my head. I'd rather stay a few months longer and be in a better financial position and leave for good, than have a break and have to go back. I've had a few months off work when I was mentally unwell, and I was on half sick pay for some of it, and the thought of returning to work to get paid properly still rubbed me up the wrong way. So I doubt having no income and then still having to go back would be like torture. It'd be like taking a pointless break. I'm hoping to be able to temp when I leave, but not until I've had a proper break.

It really does make a massive difference to see him enthusiastic about life and recovering from all of the trauma of the last few months. I'm not gonna lie, I was actually quite sad and emotional that I had to hand over all that much money in the first place, as it was a stark reminder of the situation that we're in. But I kept dipping into that money as life happened, so I am glad that it has been paid, so that I don't have the temptation and it is a weight off my mind. It just financially stings a bit. Well quite a lot, but I'm dealing with it... 😩.

But, I've managed to cash out £16 this week from Curious Cats surveys. I seem to be able to withdraw a limit of £8 a week, and I had £9.03 in there. So I'll be setting myself a target of reaching £10 this time next week, so that I will always have more than £8 available once it hits Sunday and it can accumulate, so if the cash out limit is raised once I've been with them for a while, then I can withdraw a larger lump sum. That £16 has been a real boost to my PAD Pot as it now stands at £33.71, which is 67.42% of my £50 a month target. Yay me 😂.