The Mental Debt Struggle...

AntoMac

I do feel for you Keedie. Your A and E visit sounds horrendous, although you do always seem to take all your trouble and strife with good grace.
Naproxen was the medication I had. A side effect of that was that it can make you depressed.
Anyway, here’s to Thursday and the scan showing something conclusive that you can get some proper treatment for.

Keedie

Sorry for the late update, I've been mainly snoozing and relaxing where I can over the last few days as I'm still feeling rough.

I'm so happy for your husband that he has you @Jellytotts and that you were able to help him with his fibro and pain management. I've been to a pain clinic before but it was nothing like what you've experienced I'm afraid. I was asked what medication I was on, and referred to physiotherapy and the physio sent me to hydrotherapy for about 6 sessions and then the pandemic hit and that was it.

But you make a very valid point about medication reaching their therapeutic levels, so I'll be more on top of it as I hate feeling so rough and up and down. And I can see how much it affects my son to see me struggling, so that's a good incentive as any to get on top of things. I'll have a look into a gluten diet and fibro so thank you, as I got diagnosed with fibro but with no follow up and in all honesty life has been a bit hectic so I've not been on top of researching it myself. But I do need to do better.

That A&E waiting room was a traumatic experience @AntoMac I won't lie, but I kind of reconciled it all with myself as I wasn't the only one suffering. So if that's considered good grace, then I'll take it 😁. I've had Naproxen before and it was really good, but I had to have Omeprazole to line my stomach as it causing me stomach pain which is one of the side effects (I unfortunately tend to always get the side effects as my body is quite sensitive for whatever random reason). I'm currently on Pregablin for the pain, so hopefully that will work better if I stick to the dosage and time intervals.

I had my appointment at the hospital this morning and the doctors are still baffled by what is wrong, as the scan showed no bakers cyst either in tact or ruptured. So that was great news but didn't explain why I've been in agony.  They also scanned the lump that's growing on my right shin that looks like a lipoma (fatty tissue lump) which don't usually cause so much pain, but is essentially harmless. I pointed out that another one is growing on my left shin in the same place and I was met with some blank and frustrated stares, as neither the scan people or the doctor could work it out. The doctor asked me a host of questions as part of his investigation and said that my symptoms (as usual) don't fit any of my conditions, but he doesn't have a conclusive answer.

As I have an appointment scheduled with Rheumatology next month the doctor decided that I'll have to wait to see them for them to do thorough investigations to determine what is going on as it's not a medical emergency which is great news. But it sucks being in pain with no immediate resolution, but at least I'm being seen on 14/09/2022 at Rheumatology and on 19/10/2022 in the Pain Management Clinic.

On a financial note, I've had a lot of time to think about how I'm going to manage my debt and finances in general. I have such a tight budget as my outgoings are so high. My bills I'm on top off and slowly saving to be one month ahead. But my debt repayments alone in July 2023 amounted to £1,093.23 (including a PAD of £103.48)! It's unsustainable.

I'm so tired already with trying to work and freelance and being ill this week affected my freelance income and I can't handle the stress of such high outgoings and the precarious nature of my income and trying to pay everything off. I feel like I'm constantly checking and rechecking my spreadsheet and redoing my budget and I didn't realise how much a lack of disposable income was affecting my son as well. With me needing to be in A&E this week, and him seeing me crunching numbers over and over again was really freaking him out. And I've realised that our quality of daily life isn't really that great. 

So I've decided to stop being so scared of interest and considered a consolidation loan, but the amount of interest payable was eye watering as I wasn't being offered any good APR rates. And I realised that it made no sense to consolidate completely 0% interest debt into a debt that could cost approximately £2,000 in interest over a 3 year period. So I had a long look at my repayment plan and decided to take the pressure off myself with regards to how much I'm repaying per month. 

Barclaycard is my largest debt, currently sitting at £8,152.92 and my minimum payment this month is £244.58. I'll still accumulate my PADs to pay a bit extra each month, and when the minimum payment amount falls below £200, which I guesstimate to be around March 2023, I'll switch to a fixed direct debit of £200. From April 2023, I will have paid off my holiday but I won't snowball that money as I'll give myself a couple of months to breathe psychologically and financially. My first 0% interest ends in June 2023, so I'll try and balance transfer depending on what my balance is around April/May 2023, if I can get a decent length of time and good transfer fee rate that won't significantly increase my minimum payments. But I'll make larger PADs where I can throughout 2023 depending on what is happening in life, so that I can reduce the interest on Barclaycard as I will not have cleared the 0% balance by June 2023. 

The school fees that I will be repaying my mum will be a lower monthly amount than I initially wanted, but this will allow me to keep my head above water and have a better debt free/life balance. And by summer 2023, my repayments will be a more manageable amount at just over £500 a month. Knowing that I have less than 12 months at this ridiculously tight budget makes me feel like a weight has been lifted. 

This more relaxed approach will all extend my target debt free date by 4 months, from December 2023 to April 2024, but it will be a lot less stressful and I'll be in a position to still overpay where I can. Now that I've reconciled this myself, I'll hopefully sleep better at night as the moment things are way too tense.

Sorry for the long post, but I felt like I needed to get that all off my chest. I hope you're all doing well xx.

beanielou

Don't wish your life away!

CMD79

Keedie said:

I've known that this diary needed to be started...

But I've run away from the idea as the accountability made me nervous and I didn't think anyone would want to read it. But then I realised it would be financially and mentally therapeutic for me, and that's the whole point after all. I've read other diaries and gained so much inspiration and tips across this forum, that I don't feel like such a fraud for carving out my own slice of that 😊.

My debt is a symptom of my poor mental health and my fragile mental health is often exacerbated by the debt. The whole chicken and egg thing at this point. The random impulse purchases and spending sprees caused by my bipolar hypomanic or depressive episodes have led me to fritter away thousands of pounds and not really understand what's happened. I received a £16k redundancy in August 2016, and my sister told me to give some of the money to mum to hold for me in case I became mentally unwell, and "went on a mad frenzied spending spree".  I was soooo offended we had a falling out. Turns out she was right, because by December 2016 I was on jobseekers allowance and child tax credit and not sure how I was going to pay my bills, and I still can't remember exactly what I was preoccupied with at the time, but I must've really enjoyed that hypomanic episode 🤦🏾‍♀️! 

I've been in debt since I was 18 and at university and discovered an overdraft with my Barclays student account. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that you could spend money in your account that wasn't actually yours. And now, I'm desperate to go back to that point just before the overdraft discovery, when I thought I was 'poor' because I had less than £10 in my account and couldn't take money out of the cash machine, and I had absolutely no money, but I also didn't have any debts. And I've been robbing Peter to pay Paul ever since, by juggling the debt via money and balance transfers, to the point where I don't even know how my original debt accumulated! As a single parent I've definitely overcompensated over the years and that has led me down a spending rabbit hole, and as my son is nearly 16, I've realised that he's picked up some of my bad habits, and I need to step up, so that he doesn't enter adulthood with an unhealthy relationship with money and isn't burdened by a lifetime of debt. Especially as he also has his own mental health struggles, and we're both vulnerable...

I was always told to "live within your means", by my mum who is exceptionally frugal, whereas my dad was always a bit of a spendthrift when the mood took him 😊. The funny thing is, I was never actually taught how to set a budget and at 40, I feel like I'm still learning after making a series of errors. I'm 'good' with money in the sense that I can save and prioritise my payments etc, but if I am mentally unwell, all of that flies out the window, and I waste money on take away because I need to feed myself and my child, and I've not been shopping or I can't bring myself to cook. Or sometimes, I'm just too worn out with the toll of living with chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia and I can't physically get out of bed to go shopping or sit up, let alone stand and cook something. So I know that I have lessons to learn in terms of habits that will allow me to be more prepared for the days when I'm struggling physically, mentally or both, by doing things like meal prepping or batch cooking. But I've no clue where to start and the threads on here are overwhelming as there are thousands of replies in some threads. I have a carer that comes twice a week to help me with domestic duties, and that has lightened the mental burden somewhat.

I struggle to sleep because my debts weigh on my mind, and then I either overpay as I just want it to be gone, and don't consider what else I have to pay for, and that leaves me short or avoiding the debt altogether and don't make any real progress - ooops! Lol. But I'm determined to make this the home straight towards my path of financial freedom and to be rid of the mental burden of my debts. My aim is to find a way to balance my finances and become debt free, in the way that is the kindest to me mentally, as when I struggle with one, it spills into the other.

At the moment my outstanding debt is £15,725.81. My debt free target date is 31 July 2024.

Buuuuut, my debt might go up £20,925.81 within the next week or two, as I had applied for and been approved for a money transfer from MBNA which was £5,200 including the transfer fee. And then due to a technical glitch, the transfer failed and the amount was re-credited to my credit card. I'd love to have the lower debt, but I really do need that £5k, as my son's being excluded from school due to a series of issues, and he's too vulnerable to be back in mainstream school and a Pupil Referral Unit just won't work, and so the best alternative I could think of, was a private online school so that he can complete Year 11 from September 2022 and get his GCSEs. I've made a complaint to MBNA as their system failed, and it led to the 18 months  0% money transfer offer no longer being available as it's been 'used' - although I never received the money because of the technical glitch. I dunno, maybe it's a sign that I wasn't meant to take that path, but I'm definitely incapable of homeschooling him myself, as I work two part time jobs from home and I just lack the mental fortitude to do his education any justice. We'll just have to see what happens I guess....

Hi Keedie,

I've just started reading your diary, and I can really relate to a few things you've said. It looks like you're off to a really strong start and, I know for me, using the diary to get it all out there, is definitely helping a lot. I have also signed up to a few of the challenges, which I'm enjoying! I don't know if it's similar with bipolar, but I have ADHD and can obsess over things, so finding a challenge to help me pay money off my debt that I can obsess over, can only be good, right?! 

Good luck anyway! We can totally get this done!

xx

AntoMac

Yes I had to have Omeprazole too Keedie. Have you had your scan? 

You’ve made some good moves by not consolidating to a higher interest loan, and by extending your debt free target date to take some of the pressure off. I know you don’t like borrowing from the Bank of Mum, but it’s sensible to slow down those payments as she’s happy with it.
Those minimum Barclaycard payments are a bit steep at 3%. My Halifax is only 1%, although minimum 3% gets it paid off quicker of course. Paying just the minimum doesn’t look good to lenders so I always make ad hoc payments over my minimums.
Yes you’ve made some money mistakes, but must of us on here have done too.
The important thing is you’ve learned and are now on the right track.  Life must be even more difficult when you’re in regular pain but hopefully your consultants can find you the right medication.
Keep reminding yourself how far you’ve come. Your overall debt is continuing to come down. One good thing about this inflation is that it shrinks debt in real terms. Every cloud as they say.

Plonk

Hi Keedie,
I’ve just been reading through your diary and I’m so impressed by how you’ve been doing, especially considering the difficulties being thrown at you. Maybe it might be helpful if you can find a way to take some pressure off yourself with regards to repayments, especially while you’re dealing with tests and things at the moment? Is your mum happy with the smaller repayments and it’s just your own frustration, or are you feeling some pressure to get it paid off?

I have had some similar-ish health issues in the past (even had some mystery shin lumps too, which turned out to be erythema nodusum and got me a long awaited diagnosis of sarcoidosis), and it really does take it out of a person. I don’t think I realised until after I was through the worst of it just how stressed out and exhausted I had been, by the pain and the fatigue and also the not-knowing. It can be really tough. Anyway I hope things begin to get figured out a bit more with your pain management and that the current testing gives you an answer soon. ❤️

Keedie

beanielou said:

Don't wish your life away!

Definitely not @beanielou! I just meant that life happens and sometimes things are unexpected and if I'm not wound so tight financially, I am in a better position to react to them. If there's no major crises then I can make overpayments etc. 

@CMD79 thank you so much for reading, I'm really honoured. It's been a rollercoaster of a few months and I barely remember some of what I've written, but I did re-read the beginning a couple of weeks ago. I am growing in confidence with handling my finances and trying to keep on top of my mental health and parenting, but most days I just feel like I'm failing at multiple things. Two of my sister have ADHD so I know that it can be very challenging, and I wish you luck in your journey. I'll look out for yours and subscribe to cheer you on.

I think it's more my pride than anything if I'm being honest @AntoMac that makes me so hesitant and embarrassed to accept help from my mum. She doesn't care how long it takes to be repaid as she has always said that I always pay and she never has to worry about that and she just wants to know that I put myself in a position where I can clear my debts and not go back to that way of life. So @plonk it's definitely a me problem in terms of trying to quickly pay it all off because I feel bad and indebted to her. But she thinks I'm just stressing myself out and has always said she's there to help and it would do me some good not to try and be so independent all the time. But I am feeling better about paying less each month and not going crazy with overpayments as I'm stretched so thin. Although my Barclaycard will be set to the minimum payment, I will always be making extra payments every month. Once I've paid off this holiday I'll be able to breathe a little, as that £284.50 a month is like a noose around my neck and I'm scared to commit to another high direct debit. But once that ends in March 2023, from April 2023 I can set a fixed direct debit and be able to stick to it. Hopefully my little PADs won't be seen to negatively to lenders in the meantime 🤞🏾.

It was a moment of madness when I was looking at those loans, but I'm glad that I didn't cave and start applying for them, as that would put me in a worse position. I'm admitted a bit clueless about interest rates and inflation, so I'm not sure how it helps with debts? The news headlines I see are all about mortgages or savings and I clicked on a couple and couldn't process what I was reading so I just gave up 😁.

The scan showed that I didn't have a ruptured or in tact bakers cyst so they don't know what the issue is, but I'm happy that it's nothing scary or major at the moment so I'll just plod along until I have my rheumatology appointment next month and hopefully I'll start to get some help and answers. I'm glad that you got a diagnosis Plonk even though it did take a long time, and you're right, not knowing and being in pain and tired does take a lot out of you doesn't it? I hope you're feeling better these days.

I have my second bipolar support group meeting this evening, and I'm looking forward to it. My younger sister (I can't call her little as she's taller than me 😂) is coming with me today for support, which is nice. She wants to know more about the condition and she's doing a master in psychology, and I've noticed that since she's started studying she's a lot more open minded about mental health, so hopefully she gets a lot out of it today and can see the human behind the condition and that we're all varied with different stresses and successes.

Enjoy the rest of your day everyone.xx

Squirrelz92

Dropping back in to catch up on your progress @Keedie and you have done soooo well so far! So sorry to hear about your awful experience at the hospital and no closer to finding out what's wrong Must be so frustrating and tiring for you. 
I am in the same boat as you regarding the holiday money. Once you have paid that off, that extra money each month will feel like a weight has been lifted! You will get there. Slow and steady wins the race. Just wish I remembered to recite that to myself everyday too!😂x

Keedie

Thanks @Squirrelz92 for checking in. It is frustrating but I'm very grateful that it's not turned out to be anything medically serious/major. I'll just have to play the waiting game. I'm more mobile today though, as I've been able to use my lighter walking stick to get around. It doesn't offer as much support as it's fairly thin, but I use it when I don't need to lean so heavily on a stick, so it's like my 'independent' walking stick, if there's such a thing 🤷🏾‍♀️.

The holiday payments really are a killer aren't they? I can't wait for that noose to be gone. It will really be freeing when it's all over. I don't regret having a holiday to look forward to, but I am ashamed by how much I'm spending on this holiday. Especially as with hindsight I was hypomanic when I booked it, and making any sort of decision that has a financial impact when I'm having a bipolar episode is a recipe for disaster. But luckily I didn't opt for one that was over £5,000 as there was some rational thought rattling around when I made my error of financial judgement when booking this holiday.

I do like the package holiday aspect and will do another one, but I want to save for that one and go on a mini cruise or something when I'm debt free to celebrate. I don't want the stress of meeting payments for a holiday, but I want the holiday at the end of it all. If that makes sense? I'm usually quite frugal with the way that I book my holidays, saving the money for my flights and then booking it once the Easyjet or Ryanair flights are released as it's cheaper then. And then we book accommodation with Booking.com with free cancellation and then I save the money and pay the balance upon arrival at the hotel. I save all my spare change as spending money, find discount codes for parking and transfers etc.  

So this £3,200 holiday is very uncharacteristic and makes me cringe inside every time I think about it. My friend told me that if I was medicated for my bipolar I wouldn't have made such a hasty and expensive decision. I dunno what to really think of that. I was unwell at the time I've come to realise but I don't think medication is that powerful as to completely stop an episode and its associated behaviours, nor do I think she properly understood what my medication was for in the first place. They were antipsychotics and mood stabiliser. But she had a valid point about my spending in relation to my mental health. I'm still trapped by the financial ghosts of yesteryear and trying to pay off things that I just don't understand or remember spending on.

I don't know what travel will look like in a few years time when I'm debt free, but I'm hoping that these restrictions are fully lifted so that I can explore the world again - albeit frugally and properly planned out next time.

Speaking of mental health, I went to my bipolar support group and my sister came with me. She really enjoyed it, as she saw that people with mental health conditions come from all walks of life, and she was fascinated by how everyone has different coping mechanisms when they are feeling unwell. I think she seems to have developed some new found respect for me, which is kind of funny. As she was talking about how some people mentioned psychosis, hallucinations and how she has read about that (she's a psychology masters student), and she kept saying 'they', but I had to point out to her that I also get hallucinations and hear and see things. That sometimes I feel like I have insects crawling under my skin and I see shadows racing across the room or lurking in my peripheral vision and it's sometimes scary and distracting. She seemed a little taken aback, but I explained to her that I don't bother saying anything because no one in our family asks about my symptoms or tries to understand it on a granular level, and my daily life struggles, so I just suffer it and keep it moving. She had the good grace to look a bit ashamed of that fact, and said she will try to understand it more, as she didn't fully understand until today which bipolar I have (type 2) or any clue about the differences and similarities between type 1 and type 2.

So at least she's able to learn more and I think that will help us to communicate about it more. We're really close and we talk on the phone every day, a couple of times a day. But now I feel like I can be more open with her, and that's a good thing. My other sister and my mum want to come to the support group as well, so they're going to take it in turns to come with me. But I'm going by myself for my next session so that I can just have my group to myself, then one of them can come to the one after that. Especially as they go to the pub afterwards and I couldn't go today as we had to get back and relieve my mum of babysitting duty for nieces and nephews. And also I had to meet my friend to collect my coat that I left in her hallway cupboard when I visited her in Kent and it had my house keys in it (yep I've been sharing a fob for my block of flats with my son and had to use the spare key my mum had all week and it's been annoying to say the least).

Anyways, I've prattled on long enough, have a good night all.
xx

AntoMac

You illustrate a very important point Keedie. Not all illnesses are visible. I try to remember every day that you never quite know what’s going on in someone’s life just because they seem ok on the outside.
My Mum is very hard of hearing and worries that people will think she is a bit ignorant, so If I’m out with her and we get into conversation I will try to let people know. 

Like most people, I know very little about Bipolar. I think of it as something like a swing between massive highs and massive lows, but know of course that it”s much more complicated and nuanced than that. What you’ve mentioned above clearly illustrates that. 

It’s surprising how many people will open up to you about their issues when they know they can trust you. One of my workmates reckons  his mental health meds have literally saved his life. He always remembers I was one of the few who went to visit him when he was in a really dark place. I had no idea what to say to him at the time but I think sometimes just knowing that someone cares can be help enough. We’re now very much back to our blokey ways of taking the mick out of each other at every opportunity, which is our way of showing that we care.
This is all a bit heavy for a Saturday morning.
Have a great day. As one of my favourite sayings goes ‘Not every day is good, but there is good in every day’.