Debts, financially controlling relationship & mental health

sunflower2022

I hope this is the right place to post this. And could also be a long one but I don’t really know where else to go or who to talk to. I need to go back to the roots of the situation before I can explain my current debt issue. So please bear with me. 

Going back. I was in a relationship with my ex for a long time - 15+ years. Towards the end, but couldn’t specifically say when, I realised that I had all financial independence taken away from me. I was forced to take a £50k bounce back loan in my name, 40 of which I transferred to his bank on the day it arrived. I was removed from our joint back account, which I was named on for over 10 years. Again, wasn’t something I wanted to do but was made to (anyone who has been in an abusive relationship of any sort, will know that saying ‘no’ does nothing but cause more grief and when children are involved, you do what makes the easiest life for them). Cutting a longer story short, we were in business together, but everything was in his name as I had to employ him to enable him to gain finance. Therefore I couldn’t be named on the assets - even though I worked for them. I’m not going in to much detail on here regarding this point as it’s very complex and I’m aware it’s ‘not quite legit’. I have sought legal advice and didn’t get very far. 

Having sought counselling and help with my gp for approx 1 year, I decided that I needed to get out of the relationship but knowing how he was with finances, I wanted something purely in my name that he had no control over. However, he needed to physically send the money over for said thing. I bought a successful business, in my name and wanted to just pay it all off in one go because it’d be over and done with. He had other ideas. After already paying half of the asking price, he decided that the remaining money would be paid over time in instalments with a larger payment at the end. The seller agreed to this and we set up a financial payment plan with the solicitors. I wasn’t happy with this, but again, I couldn’t say no, but knew it was still my ‘way out’ of the relationship as I’d have some sort of financial independence again. At this point he didn’t know I was planning on leaving. I also had a property .. or so I thought … with a large amount of equity in it that I planned to sell. My ex and I had verbally spoken about it and I would take the equity to cover costs of refurbishments for the new business and its running for the first couple of years. 

Sale had gone through and refurb started. At this point I had had enough of the relationship and finally took the plunge to leave. That’s when he withheld everything and I was only left with £6k to do the refurb and cover staff costs until we were earning. At that point I had moved out with my child and started claiming universal credits as I had access to nothing else. I sold all personal belongings of any value and ended up maxing out my credit card within this period. I sought legal advice, through a few different companies regarding the ex withholding everything, and basically because we weren’t married (also another thing he refused to do during our relationship) and because I had no proof of a ‘large’ financial contribution to anything, I was legally entitled to nothing and there was nothing I could do. 

Fast forward to very recently. The business wasn’t earning enough to cover overheads, especially with the ever increasing energy prices and stock costs. Every month I was struggling with wages and rent. I couldn’t afford to put fuel in my car and it was generally a total mess. I couldn’t afford to pay the payment plan owed to the previous owner and they have been threatening court action. I offered a monthly figure and explained my situation, to which they refused. I sought help through the business debt charity and they suggested closing the business would be the best thing to do - which I knew too. And surrender the lease. They also made me aware, that because the previous owner is an individual, he doesn’t have to accept any offer I make. But where does that leave me? I am constantly receiving emails from them. I offered my best and they aren’t accepting it. 

I knew I should have better protected myself at the very beginning, but I was also desperate and very vulnerable. I sought help through womens aid and citizens advice to see what my options were. I just wanted to create a better life for me and my child .. but it didn’t work out and now I’m being chased for money that I simply don’t have. I should add that the amount being chased for is £23,000 of which they’ve increased it to 28 due to interest and costs ect. I gave him £30,000 at the beginning. 

My mental health has drastically gone down hill and physically struggling due to it. I just don’t know what to do and feel very alone and helpless. It’s so hard to think logically and practically when I have a million things rushing around my head, along with the stresses of closing a business I worked so hard for and left four staff members with no job. I have been selling stock and equipment but that has only just been enough to cover owed rent & staff wages. Never mind anything more! 

I guess my reason for posting on here is to see if anyone has any suggestions on how to deal with this debt I’m being chased for. I imagine there are a few empty gaps in my story, but I’d be here all day writing it out. So if you have questions, please ask. I would really appreciate any help though.. xx 

shell16

Oh wow, what a time you have had, I really feel for you.  I personally cant offer the advice you are after, there are more knowledgeable people on here who should be able to help you. 

I just wanted to check in with you, wish you all the best of luck going forwards.  Im sure there is a solution here.

Shell x 

Amber1980

just wanted to echo what shell said,there will be pros on this board who can give you advice on unraveling all this,just wanted to wish you well!
Do you have support from friends/family?
You can get this sorted and start again,well done for getting away from him,that’s a huge step forward xx

tacpot12

Have you discussed the idea of giving the business back to the original owner? They might be able to rescue it when you cannot. If they can rescue it, they will still have a business worth that might be worth what you offered for it, and the £23K you gave them. It might be an offer they can accept, even if they don't like it. 

If they won't take the business off your hands, you need to consider where you can get £28K from. It's unclear from your post whether you have any assets (such as the house you live in) either in your own name or jointly with your ex. 

sunflower2022

Thank you all for your comments. 

Handing it back did come up however, it’s a rented premises and the landlord would have had to accept the previous owner back as a tenant - to which he said he wouldn’t. They didn’t have the best relationship. 

I have no assets apart from the car which I own outright. But it’s barely worth anything so it wouldn’t be worth selling for a cheaper car, and is something I need as we live in a rural location. The only things I walked away from the relationship with, that were worth anything, I’ve already sold. I needed to sell it at the beginning just to be able to live .. 
I’ve tried selling some clothes ect recently, but there is just nothing in secondhand clothing anymore. 

The business we ran together had property worth over a million combined. Just wish I had better protected what I worked for during that time - good lesson learnt I guess. Doesn’t help that I didn’t actually notice anything wrong for most of it! 

Frustrating now though because he has a lot of money, but through numerous businesses and therefore ‘on paper’ doesn’t earn much and doesn’t have to legally pay child maintenance. So things are very tight for me at the minute. 

Now the business has closed, I can concentrate on doing something else to earn money. I don’t have family close by though, so I have to be able to work around school hours. I used to run a cleaning business, which I’m considering doing again - minus employing staff this time around. Things will work out eventually… I hope. 

jusferbrowsing

What an absolutely horrible situation. At least you are not with that person anymore and that's a win.
I wonder if the debt free wannabe main board might produce more posts than this diary section.
@sourcrates is just one who gives great advice over there.

gwynlas

Good reliable cleaners are hard to come by in many areas. Make sure that you set yourself up legitimately and perhaps offer extras such as laundry and ironing or pet sitting for holiday periods. Good luck.

WinterWarrior

Good luck sunflower. Being married didn’t help me recover anything, so don’t beat yourself up over that, Being self employed gives the sneaky ones every opportunity to hide assets and not pay back! You just have to think how much worse off you would be if it was still going on…better to cut your losses. You will improve your finances and your life, it takes time, but you’ll get there. 

enthusiasticsaver

You have had it tough but from the sound of it chasing your ex through legal means doesn’t sound an option. Presumably the finance plan is in your name? If you are unable to pay due to your ex withholding assets then you will either need to default or come to an alternative financial arrangement with the previous owner of the business. Starting again as a self employed cleaner is a good idea. We recently employed one and it has the advantage of flexible hours which works well round children. 

sunflower2022

Thank you for the recent messages. It is a pretty rubbish situation to be in.. but as you all say, at least I’m not in the relationship anymore. Even though it has been the hardest road I’ve ever taken, it’s certainly the one to get me to the right destination. 

Cleaners are always in high demand. I ran mine for approx 5 years and stopped .. about 2 years ago I think it was. No, it would have been about 3. Oh I don’t know, time has morphed in to one recently! But anyway, it’s been a while now and I still get phone calls asking for cleaners. So I definitely don’t think I’d struggle finding clients. 

Anyway, I’m sure things will work out. And I appreciate the virtual support we have on forums like this. I’ll definitely start creating a plan to sort life out!