Mortgage advice

Savermum8818

My husband and I are splitting - married 28 years. Our three adult children still live with dad in the main house . Two are in uni. 

I moved out a few months ago but would not tell them where as I would be coerced to return. I was told I was in an abusive marriage. I knew deep down but I lied to myself that every family has difficulties and rows. I didn’t realise the level of control I was under. I thought it was normal to be on edge all the time and I was told I was too sensitive.….to toughen up.

my husband can be very kind, well meaning and charming,  very generous to the children but very manipulative and controlling. He also had an affair. He lied compulsively about money he had spent. He spent recklessly. I was told if I didn’t agree to loans in an effort to save the house we would end up living in squalor. He threatened to leave me all the time. He said I wouldn’t manage alone and people in life hurt you.

 I worked part time for half the marriage. Joint decision for me to care for the children. I am ill and unable to work at the moment. I live in one room. I haven’t been able to contribute to the mortgage as I have no income. I have scrimped and saved a couple of hundred pounds and I am unsure if I should sent this to contribute to the mortgage. In our marriage it isn’t really recorded as me paying any of the mortgage except in the last couple of years. Prior to that I paid our credit card spending including food etc , took on significant loans (£30000+ over the years) to pay down debts that were accrued by decisions made unilaterally by my husband. I lived on not much but there is little record of me contributing to the joint account as he controlled that. It has been a living nightmare.

I have been asked not to make him sell at least until the children leave uni. He paid into a pension for 3 years before I met him.

I am under emotional pressure to go back for financial reasons as I’m told I’m ruining their lives, that we will live in poverty if we are separate. One of the children is working and on a good salary. I am heart broken as my children will not support my decision to leave and are barely speaking to me. I am alone. He is throwing money at them. I am quite frightened of him and so I won’t tell my children the full truth as I don’t know what he would do to me. He would laugh at this but they don’t know what goes on in private. I live alone with disability. They say I’m selfish as my decision affects them all. They question who I speak to. 

Should I try to contribute to the mortgage in the short term so it isn’t seen as abandoning him? How would our assets be split given there is little record of me contributing over the years. If I could walk away with nothing I would as I feel guilty for leaving , but I don’t know if that would help as they need my eventual earning power if I recover. I hate living on benefits as I have worked all my life from 15 even if some of it was part time. I haven’t had the best of health all my life.

MovingForwards

Others will be along soon to comment fully. I wanted to reassure you that you're not alone.

Don't pay what bit of money you have to the mortgage.

Do see a solicitor for a free 30 minute consultation as you'll be entitled to some of the equity, normal starting point is 50% after a long marriage.

Also look up wikivorce the members are so helpful with guiding people through. But keep it shorter and to the point. You've left due to financial / emotional abuse, kids ages, there's a property which your name is / isn't on, you've raised the kids while working PT, level of debt etc what can you expect upon divorcing.
- helps keep it more anonymous.

sheramber

contact Women's Aid

https://marcusc25.sg-host.com/information-support/

RAS

Please start with Woman's Aid as detailed above.

Do not give your ex-husband money which you can ill-afford. Use that to start re-building your life.

Regardless of ownership, when you divorce, the starting point is that the assets of the marriage are split 50:50.

You don't need evidence of that, but you might want to do Subject Access Requests for any joint accounts, so you have some record of the situation. That might show reckless spending, payments in etc. Get copies of your credit records regularly as well.

If the house is in his name only, check the Land Registry and put a property alert on there, so that they tell you if he tries to borrow or sell. You could do it if it is joint ownership.

And get advice about registering your Matrimonial Rights if the house is in his name only.

Divorce doesn't cost a lot and doesn't need a lawyer. The problems tend to be over the financial settlement, and it doesn't have to involve a lawyer. Go over to wikivorce for advice on the details.

Mojisola

RAS said:

If the house is in his name only, check the Land Registry and put a property alert on there, so that they tell you if he tries to borrow or sell. You could do it if it is joint ownership.

And get advice about registering your Matrimonial Rights if the house is in his name only.

Definitely do these two things immediately -

https://propertyalert.landregistry.gov.uk/

www.gov.uk/government/publications/notice-of-home-rights-registration-hr1