Advice please for a very sad situation

A friend has asked me to post for advice please.

Three years ago my friend sought advice from NAPAC with respect to historic childhood abuse. She subsequently received counselling and it was ascertained  that she was a victim of 'emotional abuse and neglect'. She was advised to have no further contact with her mother (the abuser) and also her brother. So, she walked away in the same way that her sister did (also abused) many years before.

About 2 months ago she then received a call from her brother. Apparently mother had become extremely violent and abusive - also doubly incontinent - and would not be returning home. When asked what the problem actually was, her brother replied 'Alzheimers'. After a couple of weeks she was discharged from hospital and social services arranged for her to be admitted to a Care Home for Assessment. That Assessment is now going before a panel - for what we have no idea.

The problem is that although terrible things have happened to my friend, she still loves her mum. However, her brother doesn't answer her calls/texts to give her any update on their mum. She tried calling the Care Home for an update but she apparently isn't listed as 'next of kin' and so they will not give any detail at all.

If you have any advice it would be so gratefully received - thank you.

Just to note - the brother was not treated in the same way as the sisters - he was not abused.


  • JGB1955
    JGB1955 Posts: 3,464 Forumite
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    Although the care home may not speak to her as 'next of kin'  (which has no legal meaning) can't she just visit as a 'friend'.  My father had visits, in his care home, from neighbours, vicar, ex-lady friend, etc etc.  Check with the care home about their current visiting regime....
    #2 Saving for Christmas 2024 - £1 a day challenge. £131 of £366
  • CatieE
    CatieE Posts: 53 Forumite
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    Sadly this wouldn't be possible as she has an illness which prevented her receiving the covid vaccinations.
  • london21
    london21 Posts: 2,096 Forumite
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    Without vaccination but with full PPE are visits allowed?

    Read the care home policies l.

    I suspect if relationship has been cut off between daughter and mother before the diagnosis, will the mother now want contact that she is unwell. 
  • CatieE
    CatieE Posts: 53 Forumite
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    The Care Home Manager told her that only vaccinated people were allowed to visit - no mention of PPE.

    I understand your point about the mother wanting contact or not. I think my friend just wants to know how she is. Why she would want to after the abuse suffered is a surprise to me, but she is a lovely caring person and maybe that's why.
  • Woolsery
    Woolsery Posts: 1,535 Forumite
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    I had a similar problem.  I didn't want to visit (200 miles away)  but I wanted to know if my friend was OK after the first wave of Covid. I could only seem to get through to the same person manning the front desk who'd say "Confidential" and my emails were never answered. I even tried the council's Adult Care section as a go-between, and they agreed, but then I heard no more.
    Luckily, one weekend my call was answered by the manager, who was surprised at my previous difficulty and said, "Obviously I can't give detail, but she's still a resident and receiving care. Any letter you send will be read to her."
    That was all I needed. Similarly, if she'd said "Your friend is no longer resident here" I would have known she'd most likely passed on, as it's end of life care.
    Confidentiallity gone mad from my POV.
  • tooldle
    tooldle Posts: 1,513 Forumite
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    Is there a social worker involved for either party? If so, raise the query with them. There are scenarios where the person in care wishes to cease contact with family members. The social worker would be able to confirm if there is any ‘block’ to contact, even if they may be unable to give details. I am aware of a situation where the person with Alzheimer’s, through the police and their social worker, was able to block a family member from making contact. In this case the care facility would not pass any information onto the family member concerned. 
  • CatieE
    CatieE Posts: 53 Forumite
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    tooldle, many thanks for your reply. Yes, there is a social worker involved and contact with him/her is a good suggestion. I hadn't even considered the fact that contact may have been blocked - however, having met the brother that wouldn't surprise me. I do know that when my friend contacted the hospital to ask about her mum, there was no hesitation from medical staff in speaking about her.
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