Old-style cleaning tips for cigarette smells?

Eowyn1

Hello everyone - not sure if this is the right place to post this: it's partly a question about any old-style/MSE cleaning tips, but also just need to get something off my chest that is making me very anxious. Essentially, my father is a (not-so-secret) smoker and has been for over 30 years. The family home, consequently, reeks of smoke, and I don't know what to do. I don't live at home, but I visit a lot as my dad is widowed and I have no siblings. I'd like to bring my partner home for a visit, but I don't feel like I can because of how the house smells, and this makes me both deeply upset/anxious and furious.

Some background: both of my parents smoked for my entire life, including while my mother was pregnant with me. Yet as a child they never did it around me, so that as far as I knew the only person in the family who was a smoker was my grandad. Should have caught on a lot sooner, especially when a girl in my class at school during a playground argument yelled that my parents' house 'stinks of smoke' - of course, it being my everyday environment, I had not registered this. Finally realised when I caught my parents having a cigarette outside the hotel on a family holiday, and then the lies started. 'Oh we only smoke on holiday'. 'Ok we do have the occasional one when we're at home, but we're going to give up'. 'We tried reading Alan Carr's book but it didn't work'. On and on it went.

The parents pretended continuously to the outside world that they had given up smoking years ago, though I doubt anyone believed it. If anyone did, they'd realise the truth soon enough when they stepped into our house. The girl from the playground was right - it indeed 'stank of smoke'. My parents would happily puff away in the kitchen, and naively thought that spraying a bit of Febreze after a session would sort the issue. While they were evidently nose-blind, others were not. I still remember the utter mortification I felt when I brought my first boyfriend home from uni during a summer break and him confessing, very awkwardly, that perhaps it would be better if I stayed with his family on future visits because 'your parents smoke a bit don't they?'

Seeing my parents be such addicts turned me off the stuff for life. I simply couldn't understand why someone would want to touch something that was so disgusting and that was such a cancer risk. As a teenager I tried everything to convince my parents to quit - I'd print out information online about the dangers and the benefits of giving up, sticking them to the fridge, hiding their cigarettes - nothing worked. I remember literally screaming at my mother that she was going to get cancer and die and she only had herself to blame because she was too selfish to try giving up. Well, unfortunately, my angry prediction came true. Mum was diagnosed with lung cancer in 2012, and died in 2014 aged 60. And this was when I realised the depth of the addiction. Both parents claimed (once again) that they had stopped because of mum's illness, and in my utter naivety I believed them - because why would you keep doing something that is literally killing you? Until I smelled the smoke on my mum's clothes the week before she died.

Since then my dad claims to have given up, but I doubt it. But because he insists he's stopped, and I'm terrible at confrontation, I don't know what to do about it or how/whether to confront him. Realistically, I don't know that confronting him would do much good, as it's not likely to make him give up, and even if he did, there'd still be a smell in the house. I also find it hard to register the smell, though I know it must be there (I can pick it up easily enough in other smokers' houses). Just before the pandemic hit I asked a close friend to do the sniff test in the hallway and he said he could smell tobacco, as 'there's always something when there's a smoker in the house'. I'm terrified of bringing my partner to visit because it's just not a nice environment to be in. And I wondered if anyone had gone through anything similar, and if there was anything I could do to mitigate the smell? As I said I don't live in my dad's house, but I have invested in several charcoal odour-absorbers for the house, which I've placed in every room. Other than making sure the windows are open as much as possible during the day (encouraged my dad to ventilate the house due to covid, and this is something he's kept up), is there anything I can do?

turnitround

Sadly there is not much. It is your dad's choice to smoke and whilst I hate being around smokers myself (I'm married to one!!!!) there is nothing you can do to stop someone with a life long habit unless they themselves want to stop. 

Like you I have had a go at all the usual arguments but my hubby does not want to stop. When we met I was gutted when he said he was a smoker as I thought it would be a deal breaker for me but I suppose love conquers all.  He told me straight away that he was not prepared to stop unless it was a choice between smoking and me and then he would try but I found myself accepting it as I dont feel I have the right to dictate what he must and must not do. 

He always smokes outside, never leaves cigarette ends around and also washes his hands every time he has  a smoke. But I hate it. Like you I cant understand why people start to smoke. You would think that knowing the vast majority of smokers want to quit would make people think twice about starting.

My mum was a heavy smoker and died of cancer, she swore blind she had quit and had our dad fooled (although I dont know how) and her last few months she was house bound but my brother bought them for her. After she died we found literally hundreds of empty packet which she could not put in the bin in case our dad saw them, they were hidden in every handbag, knicker drawers, make up bags, inside clothing etc.

It's your dad choice and no amount of nagging/persuading will make a difference.  Over time the smell permeates everything if people smoke indoors so air fresheners etc will not work. One house we moved into had previously has a smoker living in it. Every time the painted kitchen walls steamed up you could see the brown nicotine stains start to run and it took me months to get rid. 

Paspatur

Perhaps explain to your partner and ask if he is sensitive to cigarette smoke.
I personally am not but I am extremely sensitive to anything from an aerosol, perfume, hairspray, after shave, air freshener,  Febreeze etc. I could never visit my ex husbands family for more than ten minutes due to perfume, hairspray etc.
And someone nearly killed me on a flight back from holiday due to spraying her newly bought duty free perfume in one of those enclosed tunnels to get on the plane. I had to have oxygen on the plane and this was when smoking was allowed on planes which did not affect me.
 I found the charcoal bags good for smells. Teenagers trainers for example.
Your partner may not even notice if not sensitive as we all have different sensitivities.
I still often get off a bus if someone is wearing perfume or hairspray because to me it is like inhaling petrol
I never had to get off a bus due to cigarette smoke when it was allowed so we are all different

PipneyJane

There used to be a product called Nil Odour that you could buy from the chemist. I have no idea if it is still around but ask at the counter.  My mum would put a few drops in a saucer and strategically position that, insisting it absorbed the dog smell that pervaded my childhood home.

I don’t know if it did but I do know that, when I was nursing, we would routinely put a drop in colostomy bags to counter any smells.

HTH

- Pip

bargainbetty

Just wanted to add that lemongrass oil also helps cover/reduce smoking smells - put it in a diffuser or a burner. 

With regard to your dad, sadly, it is his life and his choice to smoke. You can't force him to give up, and he won't unless he wants to. 

Slinky

Sorry to say it, but if he's been smoking for years, it'll be so ingrained in the house you're just wasting your time and money trying to find anything to cover it up. It'll be in the carpets, curtains, soft furnishings, on the walls and ceilings. A non-smoker is going to smell it.

Eowyn1

Thanks everyone for the responses - I will try lemongrass oil and Nil Odour. Slinky, I suspect you're right that realistically I'm not going to be able to get rid of it. My parents moved into that house in 1993, and though the smoking would always be confined to one room, I'm sure you're right that it will have deposited itself elsewhere in the house too. Urgh, vile stuff. It just makes me frustrated because I feel like I don't have a 'normal' family home that others have - bringing people home, even having a friend pop over for a cup of tea, is embarrassing and complicated and it's not because of something I've done, but because of something that's completely out of my control.

basketcase

My brother was a very heavy smoker - unrepentant till the day he died of emphysema.

If I invited anyone over I'd say "Before you accept, I must warn you that my brother's a very heavy smoker.  I think it's bad for him and disgusting, but there's nothing I can do about it.  If you'd rather not breathe the stuff in I won't take it personally, because I don't like it either!"

Most people will understand and sympathise.  I do myself.  But remember, it's not your behaviour, it's not your fault, so it's not actually your embarrassment.

BTW - this may come out as harsher than I mean it but - is your father aware that you don't want to bring your partner round to see him because you're ashamed of the way he makes his house stink?  If you're used to it, he certainly will be and may not even realise what it's like to an outsider. 

To tell him that, gently and with genuine sadness, isn't confrontation.  It's trying to avoid something which would hurt you both.

HTH

Eowyn1

That's good advice, basketcase - I think I'll just have to bite the bullet and explain the situation to my partner. 

Not harsh at all! My dad is not aware of this - he (and my late mother) were always completely oblivious to the smell. I haven't brought it up because my dad maintains that he's quit, and honestly it was easier to maintain a don't ask/don't tell policy. I did bring this up to my mother when I brought my uni boyfriend home, and explained that he felt uncomfortable because of the smell. If memory serves they tried for about 2 days to give up, and then just carried on regardless. And in general my dad says that I have a hyper-sensitive sense of smell (I don't, it's just normal because it hasn't been ruined by years of nicotine!), so if I were to bring it up I think he'd just think it was me being over-dramatic. I don't see the point in bringing this up though because, realistically, he's not going to quit. And in all other respects I have a good relationship with my dad, which I don't want to jeopardise.

Broomstick

Would it work if you and your partner offered to take your dad out for tea, or a picnic, or to the pub or whatever so that he could still get to meet your partner and spend time with him/her but in surroundings that were smoke free and may feel like a treat as well?