Prenup conundrum

cwj1990

Me and my partner have been together for 9 years. We are both around 30 years of age. We have a child together.  We are currently looking for a place of our own.  And due.to.get married next year.

My partner is set to be a single beneficiary of her parent's home and a one of four for her grandparent's house.  She is often gifted £100, she had her first car bought for her and has always been financially secure.


I have no family (to inherit from). And have been stung in a previous relationship where none of my belongings were not returned- nothing of financial value, just real sentimental. I have been in debt since i was in my early 20's which was cleared with the emotional support of my partner.

I have now graduated and we are both in the same field of work with a respectable sallary.

Since we have been together, we have saved up for a deposit for a house which goes in to her saving account. As a student I wasnt in a financial position to contribute towards the savings so as it stands, she has input 75% of the savings and Ive contributed the 25%.

We have had an offer accepted on a house, but will require cash support from her family to make up what we currently have as a deposit. (We're not being asked to pay back the money- they will inherit it back from my partner's share of her future inheritance)

Because of this, she is trying to safeguard her (possible) inheritance and has asked my thoughts this week about having a prenuptial agreement in place. We have no other assets.

I'm abit stung because having never had money, financial gain is not a drive for me. The house that we put an offer on has price tag purely because of it's location. Some snobbery on her behalf, but for her it is important that we stay in the catchment area for her support from her GP.  But it will end up costing more than i would ideally like to pay for a house.

What are your thoughts on this prenup conundrum?

Keep_pedalling

After 9 years and one child together is seems odd to be talking about this now. The house is going to be treated as a marital asset in any future divorce and with children involved the split is not likely to be even and the child’s needs are going to be more important than a prenup.

Rather than a prenup you might like to suggest owning the house as tenants in common with an uneven split of ownership based on the financial contributions from each of you. This should provide some protection if the marriage turns out to be very short, but more importantly provides financial protection for your child in the event of one of you meeting an unfortunate early death (providing you both make appropriate wills)

TBagpuss

I think it is always helpful to talk through how you each see your joint finances and what you would each expect to happen if you were to separate.

It can be that having those conversations helps to ensure that you are less likely to fall out over money in future. 

What specifically is she looking to ring fence? An arrangements whereby the money from her family, and any later inheritance, is treated as hers and is returned to her if you split up isn't inherently unreasonable, a further split based on the savings might be less so given that the savings were built up while you were together and were presumably each also contributing in other, non-financial ways as well. 

A pre-nup can be better than a declaration of trust because it only 'kicks in' if you split up,  it allows you to still own as joint tenants so that if one of you dies, the other remains secure and (assuming you have appropriate life insurance) usually enable to stay in the family home and carry on caring for any children there. 

It's not unreasonable to raise it now - previously, you didn't own a property and you were not married so had you separated, would each have waked away with the savings and debts in your respective sole names. Hopefully the fact that you have been together 9 years mean that your relationship is pretty stable so the risk of a split are low. 

It's also worth bearing in mind that a pre-nup is not legally enforceable so if you did split up much later on, or if you split and the financial  position had changes a lot, a court can take it into account but isn't bound by it . So if (for instance) you got a big pay boost and paid a lump sum off the mortgage, a court could also take that into account. 

strawb_shortcake

Any inheritance isn't guaranteed and sounds as though it isn't imminent so I'd not be too concerned about this. My Husband will never inherit anything but I may; it's never crossed my mind I should try and protect this for some unknown possibility in the future. 

I'd focus on the house and making the share in that proportionate to your contribution but consider how mortgage repayments will work in future. Additionally, if you have another child (or not) there may come a time when you are contributing more greatly to the finances and there may come a time when you should be on a more even keel

Chris_English

It's good that you are discussiing this at this point, ahead of making such a big decision as buying a house, but it really does seem odd after a marriage, nine years together, and a child.

My wife and I discissed a prenup as I had a lot of money behind me when we got together, but by the time we got married it just seemed pointless. After we had children it would have seemed crazy; we were a unit by that point, the money we had was family money. Admittedly we do still like to have our own soending money, so it;s not exactly one pot, but we've no reason to think that the settlement should we ever split should be happered out ahead of time.

Of course, how I or anyone else here feels about it is neither here nor there; you are trying to work out what's right for you and your family, and that coudl be different to everyone else.

You need to understand what she's asking for, and why. Does she want the money her family gives to remain hers, forever, and if so, why? Is she going to want things to swing the other way if you end up bringing more money in, and is she going to start allocating you more of the share of the family wealth if you contribute in ither ways, such as putting up a shelf or taking care of the car insurance?

I know that these may sound facetious, but that's sort of the point; where is the line drawn about how each person says "I put X in" rather than "We are a family, we are doing this together"?

You need to have a sensible discussion about the whole thing. Do her family mistrust you; do they think that she married "down" and so want to make sure that you know your place, as it were, or are they stretching themselves hugely to help, and just want some certainty that you are not walking out of the door next week with half of their money in your pocket?

I feel for you, it's not nice, but now that the subject;s come up, the only way through it well is through a proper conversation.

My only suggestion would be that you ask about a sunset clause on it. Would she really want you still to be the "lesser" partner in forty years, when your grandchildren come to visit you in your French home that you built together with your own hands?

74jax

We have (had) a prenup. 
My husband wanted one and I wasn't bothered either way.
However we didn't have a child together or live together (but been together 5ish years) and so had a different set up I guess than you. 
If you both agree to it then go ahead, but if you have doubts then don't, it only works if you both don't mind. What other opinions are etc doesn't really come into it.
You both get to add clauses to it, its not one sided. I wanted a clause that if the marriage broke down due to his infidelity then the prenup didn't come into play. I also wanted it to end after 5 years, I figured if we had lived together and were married that long, everything should be classes as equal at that point.
It's a good way to get you both thinking of the future, iron out any what ifs, and make sure you are both taking the other into account in future situations. 
We've been married /living together 9 years now so it's no longer valid. 

NBLondon

cwj1990 said:

 But it will end up costing more than i would ideally like to pay for a house.

That's an issue that also needs to be part of the discussion.

Flugelhorn

cwj1990 said:

I'm abit stung because having never had money, financial gain is not a drive for me. The house that we put an offer on has price tag purely because of it's location. Some snobbery on her behalf, but for her it is important that we stay in the catchment area for her support from her GP.  But it will end up costing more than i would ideally like to pay for a house.

GPs can leave / go part time / change their interests - they don't stay forever at one place