Don't know what to make of this - need some sense talked to me.

gettingtheresometime

Back in October my husband died suddenly so the last few weeks  have been a total nightmare as not only have I had to deal with his death & all that entails but I've had to, with the help of some real great people, the clearing of his office, the winding down of our business & find a job as I worked in the business.

Anyway,  when I was rearranging the room where we worked when at home I looked at a Christmas card that he kept, in plain sight if that makes sense. It's decades old, but I'd never really thought about it before but reading the message, which was a definitely a come on one, inside it's made me wonder why he kept it.

He wasn't a sentimental person - I often had to rescue stuff from the bin - so it's really out of character thing for him to have done. 

I've asked his sister if she knew who the person who sent it was (without telling her the reason why I was asking) & she didn't, I've asked the BIL who was in the same school year as him & I've asked his best friend during his school / FE years. No one either knows or is admitting who this person is or what she meant to him because why would you keep a card for nearly 40yrs otherwise?

I know the one person who could tell me categorical the answer can't so can someone please talk some sense because I'm questioning everything at the moment & starting to feel I was second best 

Sky_

I'm so sorry for your loss, it must be such an unbelievably hard time for you right now!

I'm sure he kept it by accident, or perhaps, at a stretch, because he simply had fond memories of an old friend, group of friends, place or event, but nothing more than that.  If it was someone important to him he'd have mentioned them at some point--that's just human nature, we say what's on our mind, usually inadvertently when we're tired or stressed.

It feels huge to you because you're going through an awful, emotional and distressing situation and your helpmate is not there to comfort and reassure you that you're the person he loves and wants to spend his life with.  I'm sure that's what he'd say or think if he were there and there's nothing second best about that!!!

Try to be very kind to yourself and remember that it's incredibly difficult to keep things in perspective when you're grieving, but that 'this too will pass'.  

If you need to you can always revisit this issue in a year or two, when your feelings might be a little less raw.  But for your peace of mind, it's probably best to put the card to one side for now and focus on other things.  You can always have a 'things to revisit in 2023' box and/or list, so that you can set the card aside in the knowledge that you can choose to come back to it on a future date 

I hope you find some peace and can take some time to spoil and pamper yourself a little, or do whatever makes you feel good, even in a small way.

london21

Sorry for your loss and having to deal with so many emotions at present.

As mentioned above. Try not read too much meaning to the card.

Maybe put the card aside for now and focus on your wellbeing.

olgadapolga

gettingtheresometime said:

Back in October my husband died suddenly so the last few weeks  have been a total nightmare as not only have I had to deal with his death & all that entails but I've had to, with the help of some real great people, the clearing of his office, the winding down of our business & find a job as I worked in the business.

Anyway,  when I was rearranging the room where we worked when at home I looked at a Christmas card that he kept, in plain sight if that makes sense. It's decades old, but I'd never really thought about it before but reading the message, which was a definitely a come on one, inside it's made me wonder why he kept it.

He wasn't a sentimental person - I often had to rescue stuff from the bin - so it's really out of character thing for him to have done. 

I've asked his sister if she knew who the person who sent it was (without telling her the reason why I was asking) & she didn't, I've asked the BIL who was in the same school year as him & I've asked his best friend during his school / FE years. No one either knows or is admitting who this person is or what she meant to him because why would you keep a card for nearly 40yrs otherwise?

I know the one person who could tell me categorical the answer can't so can someone please talk some sense because I'm questioning everything at the moment & starting to feel I was second best 

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through so much pain at the moment.

I doubt very much that you were "second best" and I think that this feeling, and indeed the card itself, will tarnish the memories of your husband if you allow them to.

I understand that the message in the card is distressing to you right now but don't let it cause more anguish. It seems that nobody knows who this person is/was so in your position, I would just get rid of it and forget about it. This other person clearly wasn't significant whereas you were.

My husband, whom I've been with for over 33 years now still has photos of his first wife. They were married for less than two years and she cheated on him. When I asked him why he still had the photos, he said that it was once part of his life and that was something that couldn't be altered. But he never looks at them so I don't worry about it. I could probably throw them all out and he wouldn't realise. But they aren't mine to get rid of, that's got to be his choice.

Please don't let one Christmas card from decades ago  spoil things for you, it's just not worth it.

trailingspouse

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's always hard going through someone's things, and finding this has made it even harder for you.

Think of it this way - maybe she was indeed someone special, or maybe he was quite chuffed to have had a come on, even though he would never have acted on it. Maybe, just for a moment, he imagined a life with this person. Maybe he kept the card as a memory of a road not taken.

But - and this is the most important thing - he chose you.

Username03725

It's easy to overthink this. Speaking as a simple bloke all I can suggest is that it's from long distance love that was an important part of his life. I've got a photo of a long ago former g/f stashed away in a drawer in the garage; I never look at it or get it out & ponder over it but it represents an enjoyable time that's now gone. It doesn't mean anything and in the unlikely event that I ever meet her again IRL there wouldn't be any warmth. I prefer my wife; this setup has lasted a lot longer than any other relationship incl that one and I value it deeply. Chances are your husband had a similar view.

Blokes like to hang on to things for no real reason.

MalMonroe

Hi, I'm also very sorry for your loss and would echo what others here are saying. Your husband chose you and loved you. Now you are going through a terrible time, your husband died suddenly and unexpectedly and you've found something which he kept, goodness only knows why. If the card wasn't hidden then I don't see any need to worry or be upset. When a spouse dies like that, there's a lot of physical and emotional exhaustion.

It's strange but my brother, who has been married for over forty years still seems to pine for a long lost love. I don't know what happened or why they broke up but he still seems to carry a torch for that particular woman who he split up with before he even met his wife. He will refer to the long lost one every now and then when his wife isn't around - but not by name - as if he really regrets not marrying her - if, indeed, she would have had him! For all I know they could have exchanged correspondence and I wouldn't know. In fact, I'd be the last person he'd tell because he would hate me to know that he'd been thinking about being unfaithful - has he? I will never know because he will never say. If I ask him what he's on about, he just says he's being daft and to ignore him. 

One of my female friends married long ago but still sends Christmas cards to two old loves. Why, I don't know. She says she doesn't know either but she still sends cards to them and has asked them never to send cards in return in case her husband sees them because she doesn't want to hurt him. So she doesn't even know if either of them are still alive! Not just cards but she also encloses notes to let them know what's being going on with her. Crazy games some people play. 

I'm sure you weren't second best at all. Just that your husband knew someone before you and he kept a card she sent. Don't let one little piece of old card ruin your lovely memories. Throw it away and think of the good times you shared.

Username03725, above, says 'blokes like to hang on to things for no real reason' - but so do we women. It's not just a male thing, we all do it. You have a lot on your plate right now, try to be kind to yourself.  

Torry_Quine

I can only imagine how I'd have felt if I came across something like this when my husband died. Second guessing is a normal reaction and I really hope that in time you are able to put your thoughts into perspective.

gettingtheresometime

I know everyone is probably right but I just can't shake off this nagging feeling that I'm not being told the truth.

Savvy_Sue

Nagging feelings are horrid, and at a time of grief I suspect we are particularly prone to them. 

However, that is what they are: feelings. It is easy to be pushed and pulled around by feelings, but it's already been said: he chose YOU, and that is a FACT. And you chose HIM, and that is a FACT. 

I wish you peace. 

deannagone

Its a card from 40 years ago, that no one else in his life remembers.  He hasn't contacted her.., I'm sure you'd have found it with all the sorting out of things you've been doing.  Don't give this card significance it really doesn't deserve.  As has been said, he valued you.  There was nothing keeping him in his marriage to you other than his love and appreciation for you. 

Concentrate on the happy times, the memories you shared, the moments that warm your heart.  These are so much more important.  The card is irrelevant.  It wasn't hidden, it was probably just something he forgot to throw out, it was just part of the furniture lol (I know you have things that probably should be removed but you can't be bothered to move them, we all do).

Give more integrity to what you shared x x x x.