Home Rights Confusion

Angiebmw

Hi TBagpuss,
Thank you for your comments, they are much appreciated. 

Yes, this is an awful situation compounded by the fact that my ExH is a controlling, manipulative, lying narcissist. He is so angry I’ve divorced him and trying to punish me from every angle, even after decree absolute.
He is essentially trying to use me to cover his upcoming fine and restitution.  He has lifetime military retirement pay.  

He’s apparently now no financial interest in a cattle business he said he had.  He’s had his mother disinherit him so he’ll receive nothing the DoJ can levy against.  He’s putting getting his social security off and his ex-wife’s pension share from his first marriage so all there is is me, my house/money.

I have talked to a US specialist who in a nutshell said the DoJ are only interested in what they can win.  Further, it would cost the DoJ far more in time and resources even to look at commencing on this path than what is actually available from me.  This is not a high dollar divorce by any stretch and in his opinion, it’s not worth it to the DoJ.  Further they’d have to apply to a U.K. court and for the court to agree for the DoJ to even look to pursue me. The specialist couldn’t guarantee the DoJ wouldn’t try but, in his experience, it’s unlikely the DoJ would try.

Even my ExH public defender over the federal case emailed me directly saying if I didn’t pay a certain amount and put in a Trust account with him, that the DoJ would very likely issue a lien against my property.  Bullying even from him. My ExH refuses to tell me the fine and restitution amounts apparently negotiated with the DoJ by way of a plea deal.  This would enable me to see the financial landscape and whether his demands are practical, let alone truthful. 

My ExH said if I capitulate, he won’t list my house in disclosure to the DoJ.  He’d also cover any tax due to the IRS which he holds me accountable for too.  He also said you will never get a red cent of my military retirement pay. 

I’ve never said I would go after that! Further, I know he’d absolutely lie on a Form E and, due to his evasiveness, withholding, lies, threats and gamesmanship so far, I’ve already spent much money resulting in nothing more than going round in ever decreasing circles. 

Now the home rights notice and attempt to get the decree absolute rescinded.  This is a nightmare of epic proportion.  

boxer234

I have no advice but am very sorry to read you are going through this.  A good solicitor is worth their weight in gold mine was amazing and dealt with everything so I didn’t have to have anymore contact.  Good luck remember whatever happens you will be free. 

Angiebmw

Thank you, boxer234, I’m so pleased you had such a good solicitor.  Mine is a partner in a very good law firm (apparently) and is very expensive yet, has turned out to be disappointing with lack of fight etc. My ExH solicitor is rude, aggressive and seemingly without morals.

I have essentially provided my own defense and all my solicitor has done is transpose al I’ve given her verbally and written onto an email signed by her.  It’s costs me an awful lot of money so far. 

I know my case is complicated due to the DoJ and my ex’s federal case but still, I’m the Rottweiler here (metaphorically of course) 🤩.

Might you feel able to impart who your solicitor was please, I am considering changing now for the financial side of matters.  Could you tell me how and why your solicitor was so good.  This would be far easier for me if my ex wasn’t the lying, withholding bleep, bleep, bleep that he is. 

He’s deliberately evading and protracting matters to punish plus also keep his claws into me (and perhaps those of the DoJ) leading up to and beyond his trial or plea agreement being approved by the presiding judge.  😡

MrsBrush

@Angiebmw hang on in there - the more you can do to provide information and show evidence contrary to your evil ex's claims the stronger your overall position will be.

Your solicitor is probably just not engaging with the ex's solicitor's bullying tactics, and she wont be reacting to any of the emotional stuff that will really upset you. It is exactly what I found when dealing with my abusive ex, who was pulling similar stunts to try to retain control and power. Your solicitor wont be intimidated, and she will be approaching this from an almost clinical perspective - which when you are going through such a huge emotional turmoil as your entire life has been tipped upside down, seemingly with no end in sight, what you are seeing might feel to you as a lack of fight. I felt exactly the same way, and consulted another solicitor for a second opinion and felt the same way about them as well. It was only when I was talking to a friend that I realised that all good solicitors will be detached and seemingly a bit aloof. Unfortunately, it is what it is, and the best way of dealing with this is to accept that your solicitor is working in your best interests and she will not be putting an arm round you any time soon. My ex's undoing came when we got into court, in front of a judge and my barrister lined up a perfect string of ducks. Ex was then asked if I was coerced into signing a deed of trust with no legal representation or advice was "no, I didn't force her to do anything, but I did insist that she sign it that day..."  Any shred of credibility he had left at that point evaporated! At that point, the fight was won. He was claiming £200K and was awarded £10k to walk away. He accepted, and then he found out he had to repay the £9,500k legal aid he had run up back into the system!! I was still spitting feathers over the £10k as I would rather have bankrupted myself instead of giving him anything, but it was a beautiful picture of poetic justice in the end.

It isn't my place to offer you any advice, you will know what you need to do to help yourself. Do have a think about getting some emotional support from a counsellor or support group if you haven't already. What your ex is doing is a continuation of longstanding emotional abuse, which is now illegal in the UK, so if it keep on, dig deep and report him to the police. Finding your hidden strength is your best weapon. Don't respond, to any of the threats, tough as it might be - eventually he will hang himself with his own rope!! 

All the best of luck. It is horrible now - just rest assured you will be free in the end. x

GoogleMeNow

Lovely post @MrsBrush

Angiebmw

MrsBrush well, thank you for your message!!! I can resonate with all you say and I’m sorry you went through such an awful ordeal indeed!!!

You went through so much so that the poetic justice will have tasted so much more sweeter. Huge respect to you. Your strength and determination resounds throughout each word you wrote.  I’m convinced we’d be great friends off this forum also, allies and support to many other women too. 

I won’t be able to personally see my ExH in Court as he remains on federal hold in the USA and unable to travel, especially so close to the trial date or plea agreement conclusion.  I do know however if it were possible, I’d certainly have my day. Unfortunately, he’s able to play his games electronically and behind his solicitor.  

I have all the evidence I need and could/will present a very credible case indeed. I’ve kept thorough files and I’m blessed with a very good memory and, can definitely think on my feet.  Any judge worth their salt would deduce almost instantaneously who and what etc. 

All emails from his solicitor have been so selective and evasive….why, because he can and he’s withholding.  They don’t even respond to the most reasonable of questions/requests which of course would have facilitated the likely conclusion of financial matters. 

He reeled me in and had an agenda from the outset.  

Out of interest, if you don’t mind my asking, at what stage, after how long and how many hearings, did your matters conclude please?  My solicitor mooted well into five figures just up to the first hearing, significantly increasing if matters proceed through and too the final hearing. 

I’m glad you’re now free and I hope you’re living the happy and secure life you want, need and deserve!!!  My hats off to you, MrsBrush!!! 🤩

MrsBrush

@Angiebmw I will message you privately.

I don't speak up about this often as it is still raw 15 years on - occasionally though there is a need to reach out and offer some support to others in need. Your case in many ways is a lot worse, because of the complications of the DoJ and him being held in the US (although maybe when the truth is established they can throw away the keys!!) Just stay strong, you have this!

I have been very lucky - I had a great legal team, a fantastic counsellor and I have since met and married a lovely man who has proved to be an absolutely fantastic life partner and a brilliant husband. He has even uprooted his life for me - we have left his hometown and moved back to my home area recently because I hated the associations with the house / place I ended up in because of the ex, and the covid lockdowns brought back a lot of unpleasant and distressing memories. There is absolutely life beyond - I had to choose to live my life or become sucked into a vortex of bitterness and regret. I chose the former, and the thought of resuming my dreams kept me going so I held on to that at all costs. 

TripleH

Another thanks to MrsBrush for her wonderful post.

Your situation is based on contract law which is not particularly emotional based, having an apparently 'aloof' solicitor is not a bad thing as she will strive to get you the best outcome she can. If your ex is focusing on emotion as his argument (which it sounds like), it might help in whatever mess he is in in the States but reduces his focus here.

I'd say to keep pushing your end to resolve things, your ex sounds like he is being a pain to defer dealing with you until he sorts one case out. Don't let him.

I'm reluctant to promote mistreatment of others, but here push back and force him to collapse under the weight of his predicament especially if it helps your mental health as well.

Angiebmw

Hi MrsBrush and TripleH,

Thank you again for your messages and kind, supporting words.  I really appreciate them!!!

My ExH isn’t going down the emotional route per say, he is literally ALL about MONEY, period!!! I have no polite words for him. 

He knows full well that there’s funds other than the house where any financial settlement will be borne from, so, my house need not come into it.  However, he’s greedy and bullying and asserting that even though I might settle personally with him re clean break order, the DoJ might still look to pursue me nonetheless.  

In truth, he wants the DoJ to pursue me, he wants me to be controlled and live with stress and fear indefinitely if he can. The fact that with his military retirement pay and his forthcoming social security and first wife’s pension share, he’d have a significant monthly income exceeding mine.  

He won’t however list/disclose his fine and restitution amounts on either Form A or Form E firstly, to prevent me from knowing these figures and, as I suspect, then knowing his financial demands are further disproportionate and also, it would alleviate certain stress as I’d know the figures/amounts involved.  

He will only list his military retirement pay, he lives with his mother totally free, says his cattle business is no longer viable/has no financial interest or gain therefore, with my money and house, it seems he currently has less than I.

However, his lifetime military retirement pay value is circa $1m (far more than I have) plus, he’s able to draw social security in 2022. He’s deferring though till 2027 to maximise his payouts thus also leaving the pressure on me to solve his financial liabilities in the USA in the meantime. He’ll also receive in the next few years his pension share from first divorce which is equal ish to his military retirement pay value.

How he sees I owe him money through divorce and I can get nothing from him as his military retirement pay was before we married, is baffling. 

Meanwhile, I’m still waiting to see if his home rights application is either dismissed or approved by the land Registry.  

Further, whether the divorce court:HMCTS has seen his application to delay Decree Absolute yet which he lodged the day before I could apply for Decree Absolute.  I got my DA but they hadn’t seen his application lodged the day before. 

He’s convinced once the court see his application to delay, based on his home rights being affected if DA granted, especially as the DoJ and IRS could be interested in property we both hold in the U.K.

 I am so angry, property we both hold when he knows full well I had the funds prior to marriage, I bought the property outright, it’s in my name and, as he was on federal hold throughout, it’s not been a matrimonial home at all. The DoJ have only allowed him back to the U.K. to visit me, emphasis on visit.  

Sorry to go on but he’s toxic and, if he can have power, cause inordinate amounts of stress and retain control he will. 

 I need the divorce court to dismiss his application to delay decree absolute (even though it was granted and remain divorced.  He’s doing his utmost to exert control, keep me as his wife and have the Decree Absolute rescinded. I am I’ll with this.

my solicitor said getting a Decree Absolute rescinded is very difficult and no breach of family law or anything improper has occurred during my case.  My ExH didn’t try to rescind decree nisi or the order for costs.  He’s essentially saying that as the court granted my Decree Absolute when he’d lodged to delay the day before, an application to delay was therefore pending and a procedural irregularity has occurred. 

I am continually living a nightmare.