Will - Deed of Variance

MadMonkey007

Hi all.

I'll try briefly outline things for you, but there is a lot to say...

...In July of this year, my mum sadly passed away.  She started the downhill journey back in January, and nobody (not even her) knew how ill she was.

Before that though, the youngest sister lived with mum.  And one of the last times I saw mum at home, she said she'd like to leave the house to the youngest as everyone else has a home.  This is important.

In the final weeks she did create a draft Will.  But as it was ready for signature, her ability to do anything with it had all but gone due to her condition.

Therefore, her old Will was activated.  The problem is, it was vastly out of date - Grandma and myself were Executors.  Grandma had passed away over 10 years ago, and I had grown up and moved away from home.  Meanwhile, the youngest two of three sisters had grown up.  The relationship with the two youngest was good, whilst that with the eldest sister has been not great - I'm the eldest by the way.

After mum passed, I tried to get the family together to discuss arrangements on the Wednesday afterwards. Nobody wanted to meet.  So when we met on the Friday of the same week, I was a little surprised that Death Notification from the Hospital and been sorted, as was most of the funeral.  As a side note, I requested mum's address book to contact family, each sister firmly denied me access - it was then I knew my role of Executor would not be easy.

Prior to meeting though, I read up on the Executors role so knew my sisters (while their hearts were in a good place) had inter-meddled.  During the course of the family meeting, it was clear the middle sister had taken control of the funeral.  Mentioning my role as Executor, I requested access to mum's house and a key, I was denied this as it the youngest's home - and any paperwork would be retrieved for me. After the family had meet, I phoned the solicitors and had a good chat to them about things; the bottom line, the solicitor suggested that as the sisters lived within minutes of mum's home, I live 80 minutes away, all the time Executorship would take - that it would be best to renounce it.

Over the weekend, it went around and around in my head.  But the answer was clear as crystal.  So the following Monday, I told them my intention to renounce.  My eldest sister immediately attacked me (not physically), it was very hurtful.

Fast forward a little, the funeral came and went, the last Monday in July.  Everyone was cordial.

From the end of July to last weekend, I've heard practically nothing from the eldest sister (who is Executor).  The youngest who lived with mum and saw her change was deeply affected, we've exchanged some messages, but she's flatly refused to see me.  The middle sister has been keeping in occasional contact, but an innocent inquiry I made about Christmas changed that.  She had a go at me; stating everyone is angry at me, that the eldest sister is very stressed (but it would be okay if I had the stress), I've delayed sorting the Will out, I've cost the family money, that I was never refused access to mum's house and documents and that I wanted to do everything my way (that I wanted total control, over the funeral and sorting everything out).

One thing this outburst sort of proves, is that my sisters have all met and had a go at me behind my back.  Each sister had previously stated they'd not seen each other...

Now, my understanding of an Executor is that they do indeed have total control.  But they can delegate.  I never delegated anything, the sisters took it upon themselves to do things.  I'd they'd let me do my job, I would've delegated as much as possible to them, but there was no control on my part from the start, so I thought just let them get on with it.

The term "I wanted total control" is an interesting one.  It's something I never wanted in the first place!  My sisters are stubborn, especially the eldest - so for me, giving them the control was the best choice.  Me acting as Executor would be a lose lose situation, even though I know I've done a bloody good job of it.

I stated when I renounced, that I would be available to assist if directed, and that I would of course help financially if need be.  I've had no request for help, be it actual help or financial.

Getting back on track a little to the here and now.  I understand we all grieve in our own way.  But I don't understand why my youngest sister refuses to meet over, I guess the middle sister will no doubt not wish to see me either.  The eldest definitely will not.  So, whereas we've all lost our mother - I feel like I've my entire family.  Except my wife, she's been very supportive and seen how my sisters treat me.  I've always put family first and never asked for anything.  I feel isolated from them, and that my thoughts, feelings and point of view count for zero - its their way only.

And that's the "brief" overview.

And now for the hard questions, difficult ones that will probably make me look like a bad and evil person.

I know mum's wish to pass the house to my youngest.  But what would happen IF I refused to sign the Deed of Variance (or whatever document it is)?  Could I be made to sign it?

My middle sister made a shock statement to me many months ago.  Would she get any money if the youngest sister sold the house.  I was too shocked to say anything in response to this.

So, what if two of us refused to sign the document?

The way I feel at the moment, I feel saddened and angry at being treated like I am by my own blood.  I'll do right of course once I've calmed done.  But would be interested to know the implications of not signing.  I mean, another question, what if we agreed we all co-own the home and the youngest lived there?

I don't know.  I'm just in a bad and stressful place.

I hope here I'll find some guidance on things.  Thank you.

Mojisola

Organising the funeral wasn't intermeddling with the estate.

You have renounced the executor role so there's no reason for anyone to contact you until the estate is settled.

You don't have to sign a DOV if you don't want to.

Grief can make people behave in extreme ways - I would back off and let everything settle (including your own emotions).