Death in family several months ago - nobody told us

floss2

I've just heard, through my elder brother who had a phone call from an aunt on my dad's side, that a cousin on my mum's side (very confusing!) has died.

Said cousin was our generation, between me & younger brother, my mum's only sister's 2nd son. He had a rare form of cancer, which he's had for about 15 years.

What has upset me most is that he died 3 months ago, and nobody has told us.


Sorry for rambling...

duchy

Everyone probably assumed the "someone" had told you-it happens. No-one's fault. I'm sorry -it must have been very upsetting.

floss2

The worst thing is that the only people to tell us were his father or his brothers...and they didn't.

When our mum died, we made sure they had at least one phone number for us.....

ckerrd

Unsettling and upsetting when you have not been told. It is odd though how we (sort of as a nation) communicate death. If you are moving house you send out a card, but what to do when someone dies. Ring round all acquaintances and say "just to let you know xxxxx has died".
I don't know what the answer is but we are not good at this.

duchy

The "ring around" after you lose someone close is a really hard thing to do. I'm sure some people don't get around to everyone. I've had to do it twice -working my way through my parent's addressbook at a time I really did NOT want to have to do it. I learned that the most thoughtful will ask if you've called particular people they also know-and you haven't offer to do it. It's a draining thing to have to do especially if there is a large family to call or lots of good friends-you are saying the same thing over and over again. I know I had to stop for a good cry several times b efore continuing.

mumoftwins

Floss, have pm'd you xx

floss2

Thanks for your replies.

We've done the ring-round thing twice too - it doesn't get any easier.

I think the most upsetting thing is that they don't feel that they should have told us - when I moved in with DF 12m ago, I sent ALL my rellies (and there's not that many!) a change of address note.

Alikay

I know you're upset that you weren't told, but his parents and siblings will be grieving for their loss. Can you try and put the error in communication behind you and send them a lovely letter of condolence, explaining that you're sorry for the delay but you'd only just heard? This happened to me when a former workmate lost her husband. I'd moved 200 miles away and hadn't been told. She and I only wrote/phoned 2 or 3 times a year and everyone assumed someone else had told me. I quickly sent a letter and followed up with a call : My feelings were not paramount in this situation.

The important thing is to offer sympathy and support to the family, not be angry about how you found out. What happened wasn't malicious, just an oversight during a traumatic time.

floss2

I can understand an oversight if it was a distant relative, friend or "former workmate", but what has upset me & my 3 brothers is that we are their only cousins on our mum & his mum's side (they were sisters, both now dead).

I can only assume that once our mum died in 2005, my uncle felt that the family link had gone, as his wife died approx 14 years ago.

Bizarrley, this cousin was the one who kept in touch with us, emails & christmas cards etc and after mum's death, he had made sure we had his phone number & he had all of ours.

nej

My dad had a falling out with his mother many many years ago (before I was born). We found out a couple of weeks ago that she died in 1989!! And that was only by accident, after my mum saw an entry on ancestry.com

belfastgirl23

Hi Floss, first of all really sorry to hear about your loss. But also just to say are you sure you aren't misplacing grief at his death into being upset about not hearing? It is sometimes easy to get upset about something else rather than dealing with the loss itself...

I know you are right in one way that it is sad that you didn't get a call but grief can really confuse people. I know after a death there is always someone who ends up feeling left out or ignored but most of the time it has been a simple accident or miscommunication. Especially the loss of a son who by the sounds of what you say was the actual communicator in the family as well is bound to have devastated them and it could be that no one except him had your number.

As Alikay says your feelings are not paramount in one way, I think you have to start from the point that it was an oversight. Perhaps it can have a positive outcome in that you can try to arrange a visit to see your uncle and cousins and build some bridges.

But again sorry for your loss, it's a terrible shock losing someone of your own generation.