Breakdown in Communication

polite_happiness

Hi all,

Long time lurker looking for some advice.

My husband's ex-wife has become impossible to communicate with regarding their daughter who is now 13. They split up after 1.5years of marriage (daughter was 2) after his ex-wife had an affair. Ex-wife has a son but has no relationship with her son's dad, neither does the son sadly. Anyway...

My husband sees his daughter roughly every third weekend as agreed before it broke down. His ex-wife moved away and he travels roughly 6 hours round-trip to collect her on a Friday and then, 6 hours round-trip on a Sunday to take her back.

We have a daughter who is almost 3 and has never shared a birthday with her elder sister as the ex-wife has a family member with a similar birthday weekend and always makes it so the weekends set so she can attend that family event instead (even manages to find an excuse for each weekend either side of the birthday!). We however, are never allowed to have contact with my husband's daughter when it's her brother's birthday as 'it's her brother's birthday.' I guess she sees it that they live together, they are closer? Not sure but it does seem unfair. 

Husband wants to book a family holiday but we don't know far enough in advance when we have my step-daughter with us as her step-grandfather now sets the dates as the relationship has broken down so much. Ex-wife will not answer the phone, messages, e-mails etc, everything has to go through her step-dad. I feel that most of our plans are on hold as even when we do book stuff with dates aligned, she has been known to cancel the day before and say that she has made plans and forgotten. Naturally, we are at the point where my husband is quite upset by it all and it causes a bit of friction at home between us. 

Ex-wife refused to attend mediation before now so not sure what else we can do without upsetting my step-daughter. 

Thanks in advance.

polite_happiness

Just to add, the relationship broke down between them after a bit of CMS drama. She said he wasn't paying enough once our baby came along and wrote to CMS to get them involved (it was a private agreement before.) CMS said he was overpaying and reduced the amount accordingly. It hasn't been the same since then so may it be safe to assume it's a bit of jealousy??

tacpot12

Your step-daughter is old enough to understand that her father can only do so much to have a relationship with her when her mother is not willing to help with this.

I would advise him not to put his life, or yours or your daughter's on hold waiting for his ex-wife to grow up. It's not going to happen; if she could change, she would have by now.

With one daghter of 3 and one of 13, it is never going to be easy to find things to do as a family that will keep both of them amused, but as he is only able to see his eldest daughter once every three weeks, I think plans on the weekends she is visiting should be biased towards her; if you plan to do something that she is very keen on, then if her mother tries to change plans, the mother will have to deal with the fact that the daughter knows she is missing out on something that she was very keen on doing. 

Paying for things on the day might be a bit more expensive than booking in advance, but under the circumstances it would seem sensible. 

Regarding the family holiday,  if you are planning to go abroad, it would be sensible to get a letter from the mother giving permission even if this isn't necessary. However, I think the risk of her failing to make her daughter available when she is due to be collected is still very real, and consequently I would plan to holiday in the UK for the forseeable future. I would suggest that he books somewhere with an extra bedroom in case she can come, and that he writes off the cost if she cannot, and keeps doing this until the daughter is no longer under her mother's control.

I can appreciate the friction that this might cause between you and him, but where do you stand on this issue? 

sheramber

Perhaps your husband needs to get a court order for access. 

wilfred30

Does your husband's daughter not have a mobile phone?  If so, can't he contact her directly without having to go through her stepdad to make arrangements?

turnitround

wilfred30 said:

Does your husband's daughter not have a mobile phone?  If so, can't he contact her directly without having to go through her stepdad to make arrangements?

The daughter is only 13 so not of an age where she can make her own arrangements without the mum. 

TBagpuss

This does sound difficult, and it may be that his only option is to make an application to the court - given his daughter's age, her wishes and feelings will be a key factor in what a court orders.

How recently has he tried mediation? That may be worth another go f it wasn't within the last couple of months. Look around for a mediator or who offers child-inclusive mediation, which would give the option of his daughter being directly involved if that was seen as appropriate (the mediator would discuss with both parents first, but could potentially involve her later in the process if the parents agreed that it was appropriate.

What, i anything, has she said. I think in general it is best to keep adult disagreements away from children as much as possible, and to try very hard to void putting a child in a position where they have to pick sides, but sometimes a conversation with a teenager might be appropriate - e.g. "I'd really like to see more of you, and for you to be able to be here for [3 y.o's] birthday and to come away on holiday with us - are those things you would like? IF so, I'll try to talk to your mum, and maybe see if we can get a mediator or a Judge to help us come to an agreement so we all know where we stand" - that way, you aren't framing it as forcing her mum or fighting her mum, but as trying to get support for both mum and you in working stuff out.

I would also want to know if it is important *to her* to be at you little one's birthday - I agree that her mm's approach does feel very unfair, but it may be that your daughter and step would be fine with her not being there and with you maybe doing something special as an early or late birthday celebration on the nearest weekend  to the birthday that the older one is there (bonus for the little one is they get two celebrations, one on the day, and one when big sister is there, and big sister may be into a small celebration but quite happy not to have the full weekend taken up, so do ask her if it bothers her, before you  make that your hill to die on.)

The older she is, the more she is going to start asserting herself so I think it is worth thinking about whether it's going to benefit her to have the fight now, if mum won't be reasonable.

(Full disclosure, my BIL had a similar situation with his daughter - he chose to fit round the (often unreasonable) demands made ny mum in order to ensure that contact with him was one element of his daughter's life which was stress-free, and it worked - she's now 21 and has an excellent relationship with her dad and step-mum, and had talked about how grateful she is that her dad didn't play the kind f power games her mum did, and that she could trust her dad not to moan about her mum to her)

T.T.D

I agree with TBagpuss.

At this child's age, it's pretty much futile for parents to argue in a court setting, it causes so much distress to the child to be put in a situation where they feel they must pick a side and choose, they feel it will cause either parent disappointment, most children just want peace on both sides and have their voice heard in the middle, seldom does it go in either parent's favour. 

Children inclusive mediation is probably the best way forward, perhaps both sides agreeing to split costs, but for the sake of splitting hairs, if there is opposition to that proposal, then swallowing the cost is a must.

would only communicate with the teen for their perspective, when communication is at a full loss with mum. 

Mum may not realise it but from what has been posted is a form of (IMHO) parental alienation, something the courts recently has been paying attention to, perhaps mum doesn't realise this form of access control is a form of alienation, but this type of controlling and restricting of access based on her own wants and prejudices is damaging to the development of the child and detrimental to a parental relationship going forward in the future. 

I would sit down with the teen, and ask what her wants are, what is important to her, how she wishes to move forward in building better relationships with her dad but do this face to face once mum refuses to engage. 

I would be then inclined to write a special delivery letter to mum, depending on what the teen wants, I would explain to her that you have considered the teen's point of view, feelings and requests, and for her sake, you wish to regain communication, and discuss more access and make arrangements regarding birthdays, holidays and Christmas and new year (and whatever the teen has suggested), based on the what the teen has expressed re-inviting Ex-wife for open discussions on the matter in a stress-free environment by sharing costs for the sake of the teen at mediation. 

If there is no response foot the bill fully and head to mediation if there is failure to engage there. your last resort is to head into court. 

polite_happiness

Thanks for your comments, all.

SD does have a phone but seldom responds as she 'doesn't have battery' or has 'run out of time' on it; she has (what I would describe) as heavy restrictions; when we do get to speak with her and ask her about plans (via phone or in person), we usually get 'I dunno' or 'I can't decide' which is a bit frustrating!! Often, we can hear her mum in the background saying about going and doing 'X' and 'Y' and if she goes to Dad's she will miss out, additionally, when plans happen when she is with us, her mum will send photos and videos making a big show of what she has 'missed'.

It is sounding like SD doesn't want to disappoint anyone either so feels obliged to do whatever. It does sound like child inclusive mediation is the way forward... thanks.