Advice/Help needed

Staringattheabyss

I recently found out that my wife had an affair. My solicitor advised that i shouldn't put adultery on my divorce as it would be impossible to prove.  Instead they advised that i should put "inappropriate Relationship with a married man".  I have recordings of her basically admitting it but i have been told i couldn't really use them as she wasn't warned she was being recorded.

As we have a 10 year old daughter and i wanted to minimise disruption to her i sat with my *cough* wife to discuss what we can do, i agreed in principle that i would sign the property over to her so that they didn't have to move etc.  However she's full steam ahead in getting a new mortgage and im worried that she's going to be able to remove me form the deeds/mortgage without my consent at all now.  I'm also worried that she is going to try and take my daughter full time even though i want her for at least 3 nights a week.  

Out of spite she filed for divorce on me siting unreasonable behaviour etc as i was holding back as i didn't want to have a massive fight in court etc.  She told me in one of our conversations that she had effectively decided the marriage was over some 12 months ago but never once said anything to me. I knew something was wrong and i did try and talk to her but i got nothing back.  Even now she has no remorse for what she has done and will do to our daughter.

Im worried now that she is shafting me over the house and will take my kid away form me my daughter is the most important thing to me. My solicitor is being real slow returning calls to but luckily i have had to pay anything just yet as were waiting for her divorce paper to come through to see what they realty say.  What should i do? what should i instruct my solicitor to do?

RAS

The divorce is the easy bit.

What you need is to sort out the financial settlement; where you divvy up the house and other assets. How much equity is there in the house and can she afford to buy you out, or get a mortgage for the outstanding amount?

Start with mediation.

Staringattheabyss

RAS said:

The divorce is the easy bit.

What you need is to sort out the financial settlement; where you divvy up the house and other assets. How much equity is there in the house and can she afford to buy you out, or get a mortgage for the outstanding amount?

Start with mediation.

We are starting mediation on 2/8. house wise we are just in negative equity, once the solicitors/agent fees are taken out we would be down about 10k. she's already said she want me to pay my half of the negative equity but seeing as she is remortgaging the property for the full amount i don't se why i should considering I'm walking away from it?

Im more worried about my daughter and her plans for that, she wont talk anymore etc. I don't want to be crucified by the CMS when im more willing and able to look after my daughter as i work form home most of the time, i have literally been child care for the past 12 months as far as the wife is concerned and nothing more i jyust wish she would have talked to me but its too late for that now. The other married man....he was a friend of mine....going through his own divorce which still isn't finalised...to another one of my friends. Simply couldnt make this stuff up and my/our circle of friends are absolutely devastated by the deceit/lies and callousness of it all.

RAS

OK, so no advantage to you in keeping the house and if she can re-mortgage, all the better. We see any number of horror stories here where that has not been possible.

As for the antics, I recall a period when the same sort of thing happened with several of our friends; like something out of Peyton Place.

Try to keep it civil for your daughter's sake and insist on a conversation together with your daughter at which you both commit to joint parenting. Suggest that there may be time in the decade ahead when your ex would appreciate back-up.

I have to say that kids hate shared parenting when it means having to spend time in two houses to a strict timetable. Much better if they can move between houses as they need, although that does mean parents both keeping one another in the loop, so "Can I stop over here tonight?" needs to be discussed with the other parent not an immediate OK which scuppers the other parent's plans.

And never bad-mouth the other parent whatever you think.

tacpot12

I'm sorry you are going through this. I've been through the same thing. 

You should instruct your solicitor to get you divorced as cheaply as possible. Trying to negotiate a financial settlement yourself will save money - just use the solicitor to document what has been agreed. If the solicitor does all the negotiating, you could end up spending as much on solicitors fees as they save you. 

As has been said, her getting a mortgage and getting you off the mortgage is the best outcome for you because you need a clean financial break from your wife if your are to be able to buy a place for yourself.

I don't understand how you will £10K down in equity on the house unless you are already £10K down. Your wife can take over your existing mortgage if she has the income to satisfy the lender. No need for valuations, surveys, estate agents, etc. The legal work should cost about £500. 

Don't forget that when a court considers marital assets, your pension can be one of your largest asset (especially in your case as you are in negative equity on the house). If you have to pay a bit to allow her to take over the mortgage, but can keep all your pensions this could be a good result.  

The fact that you are using mediation is good. A good mediator will help you both to find fair solutions.

The main thing to do is not worry about what the divorce papers say about why she wants a divorce. It doesn't matter what the papers say, the important point is that she wants to be divorced. The courts don't decide financial matters or child arrangement based on the reason for the divorce. 
 
You can find out what the CMS will expect you to pay using the Child Maintenance calculator here: Calculate your child maintenance - GOV.UK (www.gov.uk) and this should be your opening offer for Child Maintenance, as the CMS will make you pay that anyway. 

You should prepare your own budget to see what you need to live on, and factor in the amount of Child Maintenance suggested by the calculator. This will help you show your wife that you are not going to be any better off than she is when your divorce is finalised.

Staringattheabyss

Hi all thanks for the advice upto now.

So the current mortgage is £122 i have had some valuations done with a max valuation of £130k and a low end of £110 so were looking at an average of £115-120k. I really don't want to force the sale and want stability for my daughter - she is the most important person to me now and i will do what ever i can to make it easier for her.

 I have just been discussing this with my soon to be ex and she's expecting me to pay her half the negative equity even though she will be re-mortgaging to the value of 122k to pay the current one off. We got a bum deal when we bought it in 2007 and couldn't re-mortgage due to the financial crash.

To me if I'm willing to walk away and leave her the house and everything in it bar my PC which i use for work/learning/entertainment etc (i don't watch TV) i don't think i should pay her any money? 

She could practically wait 5 years and sell at a profit and i will have no right to that profit as i also want a "clean break" when this is done.

I will be incurring costs finding a new place to buy and buying furniture etc which she doesn't seem to understand and i though it was reasonable for me to expect her to take over the house whether she re-mortgage or not  and me to not have to pay anything, am i being unreasonable with that expectation?

Mojisola

As you work from home and have been doing most of the child care, why aren't you and your daughter staying in the family home?
On another point, you can register with the Land Registry so that you get a notification if the other owner tries to sell the house. 

Savvy_Sue

You can't have a clean break where there are children involved. You will remain liable to financially support your daughter until she's at least 18 (agreement can be made for this to go on longer) - unless your daughter primarily lives with you, in which case your wife would have to pay child maintenance. 

tacpot12

Staringattheabyss said:

Hi all thanks for the advice upto now.

So the current mortgage is £122 i have had some valuations done with a max valuation of £130k and a low end of £110 so were looking at an average of £115-120k. I really don't want to force the sale and want stability for my daughter - she is the most important person to me now and i will do what ever i can to make it easier for her.

 I have just been discussing this with my soon to be ex and she's expecting me to pay her half the negative equity even though she will be re-mortgaging to the value of 122k to pay the current one off. We got a bum deal when we bought it in 2007 and couldn't re-mortgage due to the financial crash.

To me if I'm willing to walk away and leave her the house and everything in it bar my PC which i use for work/learning/entertainment etc (i don't watch TV) i don't think i should pay her any money? 

She could practically wait 5 years and sell at a profit and i will have no right to that profit as i also want a "clean break" when this is done.

I will be incurring costs finding a new place to buy and buying furniture etc which she doesn't seem to understand and i though it was reasonable for me to expect her to take over the house whether she re-mortgage or not  and me to not have to pay anything, am i being unreasonable with that expectation?

Your joint possessions in the house have a value and you are entitled to half of their value, but remember that if you make this arguement, you might also have to share your pension if you have more pension entitlement than your wife does.

Remember you are liable for the debt on the house, and it you are to be freed from this liability, you might well have to pay some money to be released. She might benefit if house prices go up, but she might not. She is taking the risk if she takes on the entire mortgage. You would not expect to have to give her half of any profit she makes if you buy a house after you are divorced, so I don't see you can expect to retain any interest in the house unless you pay half the mortgage. Anyway, she can't really sell the house for profit as she will have no where to live. You are thinking emotionally, not logically. This will not help during mediation.  

The mediator will help her understand that you will have costs after the divorce. When I seperated from my wife we both produced a budget for what we needed to live. When you added these two budgets together it came to more than we both earned, it was clear that neither of us would have enough to live on, but we split the different so that we were both equally badly off! This was a fair arrangement and we both made it work. Money was very tight for the  first couple of years, but I was able to buy a house and even pay the mortgage off early as I wasn't having to share my income with my wife.  

gizmo111

Staringattheabyss said:

Hi all thanks for the advice upto now.

So the current mortgage is £122 i have had some valuations done with a max valuation of £130k and a low end of £110 so were looking at an average of £115-120k. I really don't want to force the sale and want stability for my daughter - she is the most important person to me now and i will do what ever i can to make it easier for her.

 I have just been discussing this with my soon to be ex and she's expecting me to pay her half the negative equity even though she will be re-mortgaging to the value of 122k to pay the current one off. We got a bum deal when we bought it in 2007 and couldn't re-mortgage due to the financial crash.

To me if I'm willing to walk away and leave her the house and everything in it bar my PC which i use for work/learning/entertainment etc (i don't watch TV) i don't think i should pay her any money? 

She could practically wait 5 years and sell at a profit and i will have no right to that profit as i also want a "clean break" when this is done.

I will be incurring costs finding a new place to buy and buying furniture etc which she doesn't seem to understand and i though it was reasonable for me to expect her to take over the house whether she re-mortgage or not  and me to not have to pay anything, am i being unreasonable with that expectation?

I think you are confusing negative equity with LTV - a house worth at best the same value as the mortgage would mean a 100 % mortgage - lenders will not lend that.  Some of the mortgage will need to be paid off at least 5%, but more likely 10% before she can remortgage.
The financial split includes all the marital assets, savings, pensions, not just the house.

T.T.D

Staringattheabyss said:

I recently found out that my wife had an affair. My solicitor advised that i shouldn't put adultery on my divorce as it would be impossible to prove. 

Personally I would have thanked him for his time and walked out.

 Instead they advised that i should put "inappropriate Relationship with a married man".  

I would have laughed at them and said “that’s the definition of adultery….without specifically saying Adultery”, inappropriate relationship with a married man would be the REASON under Adultery on the form.

I have recordings of her basically admitting it but i have been told i couldn't really use them as she wasn't warned she was being recorded.

Yes perfectly legal thing to do, entirely Admissible as evidence. 

As we have a 10 year old daughter and i wanted to minimise disruption to her i sat with my *cough* wife to discuss what we can do, i agreed in principle that i would sign the property over to her so that they didn't have to move etc.  However she's full steam ahead in getting a new mortgage and im worried that she's going to be able to remove me form the deeds/mortgage without my consent at all now.  I'm also worried that she is going to try and take my daughter full time even though i want her for at least 3 nights a week.  

Start child arrangements in family court. Get sealed on paper not a verbal agreement. 

Out of spite she filed for divorce on me siting unreasonable behaviour etc as i was holding back as i didn't want to have a massive fight in court etc.  She told me in one of our conversations that she had effectively decided the marriage was over some 12 months ago but never once said anything to me. I knew something was wrong and i did try and talk to her but i got nothing back.  Even now she has no remorse for what she has done and will do to our daughter.

Im worried now that she is shafting me over the house and will take my kid away form me my daughter is the most important thing to me. My solicitor is being real slow returning calls to but luckily i have had to pay anything just yet as were waiting for her divorce paper to come through to see what they realty say.  What should i do? what should i instruct my solicitor to do?

Sack your solicitor is my advice. 

you had an advantage in starting proceedings within the 6 months window for Adultery.

If she has put unreasonable behaviour on the form it’s because if you don’t respond in time or play legal games or play with delays such as sending forms back unsigned or encroach over time scales and be unreasonable in proceedings she can apply for the divorce to go ahead without you.

you can mention adultery on her end but the court will not be bothered. The court don’t care about the reasons or the details they only care it meets the requirements to divorce, it goes more smoothly if there no arguments over who did what details. 

My advice ask solicitor for the bill and walk away from them, get looking for a new solicitor and look for law chambers for a decent family law barrister if your wife plays games with child access. 

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