My son doesn't want to see his dad

Raindrop32

Hi I hope I'm putting this in the right place. I'm in need of advice. I'm sorry if it's a long post I want to add as much as possible. I have a 14 year old son,  me and his dad split when he was 2. His dad was rarely there when he was born I was pretty much a single mum straight away. He put me through alot! He was mentally abusive, always out with mates drinking, smoking cannabis ect. I stayed because I didnt want my son growing up in a split family but i couldn't put up with it anymore i started to suffer postnatal and despite all that I was still the best possible mum I could be. He was abusive when we split up making threats ect everytime I turned up so he could see his son. It got so bad I decided to go through his mum who he lives with and even when my son was there his mum looked after him while he went out doing what he wanted. He now has 4 kids by 4 women. He lives with these women and only turns up to see his son when he feels like it. As my son grew up he knew what was going on and kept telling me about his dad smoking cannabis (smelly cigarette) as he called it and I told his mum I dont want him around that and only wanted him to see his son in his care so I knew he was safe. Now my son is 14 and half and his dad has been in and out of his life when it suits him, never paid a penny for him or uniforms nothing. My partner who I've been with for 12 years has done all that but despite all that ive never stopped contact. Now his mum is really I'll and we dont know how long she has left. I've spoken to my son and he has said hes not sure he feels comfortable staying with his dad alone overnight. Even when my son goes there now his dad spends more time smoking cannabis with his mates then returning. He hasnt got my sons number because my son thinks he would use that to get at me somehow. I'm now scared that when his mum is no longer here what do I do. There is no mediation with his dad. Hes so manipulative. Theres so much more to this story. What do I do of my son refuses to go? Can the courts force him if his dad was to take me court? I doubt he would to be honest. He only sees his other children in the care of his mum aswell. Now my sons older he chucks a few quid here and there and thinks that now makes him a good dad but what about all them years hes done nothing! I'm just at a loss now. I'm scared that of my son wants no contact he might start something. I try my best with my son and hes a good boy does well in school, well mannered and I dont wnat him lead a different way with his dad. Please help! 

Mojisola

At 14, his wishes will count for a lot, especially when you show that your son has only had contact through his grandmother.

Raindrop32

Thanks for your reply. I've never been to court in my life so if it was to come to that I think I'd fall to pieces. I want to support my son with whatever he wants to do. I am afraid I might get the brunt end of it which scares me. Id be afraid he might lie and tell people I've stopped contact rather than my son which I've never done but he has said that in the past to make people feel sorry for him and I feel I'd be constantly looking over my shoulder.

sassyblue

Mojisola said:

At 14, his wishes will count for a lot, especially when you show that your son has only had contact through his grandmother.

THIS ^^^^

What’s the likelihood he can afford to take you to court for access? He won’t get legal aid and he’d have to be quite clued up to manage the court process himself.

there are contact centres you could get in touch with to see if they’d be interested in supervising contact between the two of them but in all honesty I wouldn’t worry too much. Even if he filed a court application it doesn’t mean the matter would end up in court.

with people like your ex it’s all about control, if he starts laying the law down tell him you'll see him in court where you will tell the Judge about his past character and your son’s wishes, which are paramount btw…..

tacpot12

At 14 and a half, a court will find it difficult to force your son to spend time with someone he doesn't want to, and I doubt a court would order that he did.  

I would suggest that he doesn't stay overnight with his dad after his grandmother passes if he is uncomfortable. 

I think you can suggest to his father that the change is just due to his grief at her passing, and that it may change with time. I would then stand back and let your son decide if he ever wants to stay over again. He may become more confident about doing so as he gets older, or he may get more confident in his decision not to see his father.  

gizmo111

If your son doesn't want to see him then nobody can force him - in reality if his Father ever got round to making a court application, he will be approaching 16 years old anyway.  I am assuming that your son wants to spend time with his grandmother before her passing then this needs to be handled sensitively for him, but does he have to stay overnight - is there any reason why he cannot just spend a few hours with her?

jennystarpepper

I have a friend, a number of years back her son turned 14, the week after his birthday he went to his dad's house and never came back.

I'm not saying this will happen to you, what I am saying is that her son wanted to be with his dad for what ever reason, she had legal advice (and could afford very good advice) and was told her son was of an age to decide what he wanted and she could do nothing to change this, she has had no contact past the age of 21.  

I think the ball is in your court, maybe you or your son should tell his gran you still want to see her and arrange contact away from her house...., keep a record of any contact your ex has should you need to report abuse.

He sounds like a bully who you and your son need protecting from.  

You probably have a womens domestic abuse website or center near you, please check your rights with them ASAP. 

Raindrop32

Thankyou so much for all your advice. Sassy blue your right it is about control which is why I made the decision to stop contact between me and him so he couldn't have that control. It really annoys me that he was barely there when my son was growing up and now hes older he think my throwing a few quid here and there makes him a great dad and can do what he likes. My son wants to continue to see his nan and I would never stop that. We have spoken about maybe a few hours instead of overnight. It's so good to hear that if my son does decide no contact that it cant be forced on him. He has said the only reason he goes is to see his nan and is not bothered if his dad is there or not. During lockdown my son stayed with me and during all those months I had 1 text to ask of he was ok off his nan that was it. My son never causes any issues there no matter what his dad does he just ignores it and tells me if he needs to when hes home. The only thing I can do now is support him on whatever he wants to do.

TBagpuss

As others have said, given your son's age his wishes would be the key factor here - court's can't (under normal circumstances) make orders about children over 16 or which last past their 16th birthday. One of the thing a court has to take into account when making a decision about any order for a younger child is "The wishes and feelings of the child, considered in light of their age and understanding" The older the child is, the more weight is given to what they want, and at 14, if he has a clear wish, then that's likely to be the deciding factor. 

I would make clear that you support him either way, that you are happy for home to stay with his dad overnight if he wants to, but equally that it is fine if he'd rather that go for a few hours at a time, or just to see his Nan. I'd also say to him he doesn't have to do the same thing every time - he can always go for a couple of hours to see his nan one weekend, and chose to stay longer / overnight the next week, if that's what he wants. Maybe agree on some ground rules (for instance, telling you when he leaves, when he wants to come back, and calling you if he changes his mind. If you think his dad might put pressure on him you might also want to to talk to him about how he would like to deal with that. (for instance, does he need for you to shield him - it may be very hard for him to stand up to his dad so you may want to talk about whether he needs to be able to tell his dad that he can't stay because you are expecting him back, and how he will let you know if he did actually want to stay!) 



Finally - don't forget that lots of teenagers who live with both of their parents chose not to spend any time with them - even if he had a great relationship with his dad he might well be choosing to spend all his time with his mates or alone in his room at this stage of his development. 

Raindrop32

Tbagpuss your right he does tend to want to spend more time with friends and in his room watching films or xbox talking to friends. I think he is reluctant to stand up to his dad when he puts pressure on him to do something he doesnt want to do. There has been times he has said he doesn't wnat to go and I have persuaded him (not pushed him) into spending time with his nan. It's so hard because I have to go through his family instead of directly to him because he causes arguments or tries to use control. I myself wouldn't feel comfortable my son staying there overnight with just his dad given his cannabis habit and the fact he stays in bed until whenever he feels, when my son his there he doenst go bed until silly times which I've spoken to his nan about and I have explained my concerns to my son and asked if he feels the same and he does. He has a good support system here and I'll do what makes him happy but I do get scared of the outcome if he was to stop contact. I think of it went to court I'd be a nervous wreck as I have so much anger to how hes treated my son and still thinks hes a top dad. I just dont understand how he thinks it's ok to have all these children and see them when he feels like it and not provide for any of them.