Lilt, Jellytot and the Archangel

liltdiddylilt

So, here I am again... 

Almost debt free. I’ve been paying down debt on a 0% card and it will be gone in 6 months or less without accruing interest.

But in the meantime, I keep going into my overdraft, spending £125 a week on groceries that are mostly ending up unused, in the bin or the freezer.

I just got through a courtcase with Jellytot’s dad. She’s 9 now and we split for good when she was 6, 3 years ago next month.

I met what I thought was the man of my dreams. An amazing stepdad who put her daddy to shame. Someone who treated me like a princess. I moved into his house for lockdown last year so that Jellytot had a garden... he changed. I should have run a mile, but I got pregnant, and things got much worse. To the point he was pushing me out of the way (when I wasn’t in the way) and jamming a hoover into my feet. Those were the bigger aggressions, but there were a hundred others that were much smaller. Emotional abuse. Control. Telling me that I was a psychopath and needed mental help. I got help in the end and they told me he is coercively controlling me. The health visitor ended up getting adult protection involved because I was “minimising” what he was doing to me. In reality I was incredibly ill from being pregnant. I had hyperemesis gravidarium, was so sick I tore my stomach lining twice and ended up in hospital vomiting pure blood and on a drip and massive antisickness injections. By the time I gave birth in traumatic circumstances with 2 second degree tears, and got a sickness bug within hours of giving birth, my blood count was low and my iron levels were nonexistent. 

I’ve been diagnosed with Ehlers Danlos Syndrome for a couple of years along with Fibromyalgia and multiple other health issues. All exacerbated by the pregnancy and delivery. So I’m not too healthy right now.

The Archangel was 3 months old yesterday. I’ve been split with his dad since February but still living in his house. He comes back at weekends as he lives in London for work during the week. I’ve been trying to make it work but I can’t meet his invisible bar of behaving myself the way he wants me to. He threatens that I have to leave, and put the Archangel on formula because I’m not taking him apparently.. and the next week it’s all forgotten and me saying I’m looking for somewhere to live “upsets him greatly”

I’ve been told to contact rising sun, and housing to try and get something sorted before he does actually kick us out. I’m staying because it’s what’s best for my children at this point. But if housing can find us somewhere appropriate with a garden, I will be gone. With both my kids. 

I’ve rattled on enough, but I needed to start this diary honestly and openly. I love my children and would do anything for them, even if it’s putting me in a bad position. 

I’ll figure a way out. But until then I need to
get my finances under control, stop spending unnecessarily and start to build some savings. 

I definitely have a type when it comes to men. Jellytot’s dad is still controlling me from afar, using her mercilessly to do so. I had to contact the police and rising sun about him too. 

Life will get better. I have two little beauties and that’s all I need. No more men. 

jokono

Hi Lilt, I hope you get a house soon so you can move out and start fresh. Take care

Legs21

Aww Lilt, I remember reading your old diary way back when jellytot was still a tot. Welcome back albeit under crappy circumstances. You can do this. You’ve done it before and you can do it again. Stay strong and take care x

liltdiddylilt

jokono said:

Hi Lilt, I hope you get a house soon so you can move out and start fresh. Take care

Hi Jokono. Thank you! I have been putting off asking for help for so long, thinking that I could fix things or if I just behaved myself I could get back the life I thought I had. But things are beyond repair and I am living on eggshells just trying to survive from one nightmare weekend to the next.

Legs21 said:

Aww Lilt, I remember reading your old diary way back when jellytot was still a tot. Welcome back albeit under crappy circumstances. You can do this. You’ve done it before and you can do it again. Stay strong and take care x

Awww thank you Legs! Hi there Jellytot is 9 now, diagnosed autistic and just as perfect as ever, though hard work. She's glorious and she idolises her baby brother, as he's all she ever wanted. Can't regret my kids but oh boy do I regret their dad! Yes, I can absolutely do this, did it once, was far better off afterwards... will be again this time.

Today I have been screamed at several times by my ex (let's call him Icky) and he took the Archangel to his mum's and from there to a friend's house, without telling me, and kept him out throughout his nap time and over an hour past the time he should have been fed. he had a very unsettled day and didn't settle to have his big afternoon nap either because things were so topsy turvy and he just wanted to be with and asleep on me or feeding/suckling. These things are designed to make me anxious, so that they can push their narrative of 'she's mental'... I've been told I'm vile and a head case today. 

I've signed up for YNAB online today and begun filling out my budget. I'm on the free trial at the moment but my wonderful mum sent me the money to buy an annual purchase when it's up. I find I manage my money so much better when I am forced to detail every little thing on there.

My debt stands at £348.52. It was over £1,500 this time last year, so it's going in the right direction, definitely. I could pay it off at a higher rate than I am, but it will be gone inside 6 months and I can redirect the extra into my savings, because I am going to need it.
I remain in the black in my main current account. At this time of the month that is a small miracle.

My mission this week coming is to get down every subscription and bill I have, weed out the ones I don't need (I'm looking at you, two subscriptions to 'Practical Fishkeeping' when I should only have one - actually this is for Icky... If I hadn't paid for a year's worth on an offer after paying for 3 months worth [that one seems to be rolling quarterly for some reason] then I'd cancel it full stop and he could swing for it.) and get rid of them, and document the rest. 

Other missions:
- Contact Housing
- Contact Rising Sun and get a DV Support Worker
- Contact DLA regarding Jellytot's dad & see where I stand
- Get Jellytot's bedroom cleaned and scrubbed
- BATCH COOK
- Get on top of housework & washing/ironing
- Make sure I do 10,000 steps per day (today's steps 17,055)
- Get YNAB totally up and running

How bad it is, that having written this, I now have to scrub my history from my mac for the last hour to stop him snooping when he should be doing Uni work.

Have a good night's sleep peeps xx

Honeysucklelou2

Hi Lilt, 
I remember reading your old diary. Sorry to read that you are having to deal with such behaviour from your ex. Hope you are able to access support this week.

greent

Hey lilty- have seen you back on apple's diary. Sorry to hear things have gone t*ts up with Archangel's dad and that Jelly's is still being a pita From what you've written above please make contacting DV support ASAP a priority - this week (tomorrow?) if possible- the sooner you're in contact the sooner they can start to help. Weekends sound hellish for you and the DC with Icky acting like that - it truly sounds like you and they need to be out and away sooner rather than later. I don't think you are anywhere near Gloucestershire, but if you are feel free to DM me and I can put you in touch with more support locally. You and your babies deserve so much better than living with control and abuse xxx

liltdiddylilt

Hello folks! 

Homeysucklelou - thank you. It’s definitely a Monday job, to get sorted!

greent!!! Hi there, another “face” I remember. I’m in Kent, so nowhere near sadly but thank you so much for the offer. I’ve got a list of people to phone tomorrow, a form to fill out with rising sun, and lots of other little bits. 

Today I managed 11,492 steps!  

Quote for the day: “ Stand up for yourself and your rights as a human being. You are strong. You are beautiful. And there is more to life than walking on eggshells.”

greent

There certainly is - fantastic quote to take forward x

WelshKitty85

Hi Lilt, I was a bit of a lurker on one of your old diaries. It's good to see you back, but sorry to read about what you're having to put up with. I hope you're managing to make contact with organisations that can support you to get out of that environment. You are awesome and deserve so much better.

liltdiddylilt

WelshKitty85 said:

Hi Lilt, I was a bit of a lurker on one of your old diaries. It's good to see you back, but sorry to read about what you're having to put up with. I hope you're managing to make contact with organisations that can support you to get out of that environment. You are awesome and deserve so much better.

Hi WelshKitty!! I remember you too!! Thank you for popping on it’s lovely to see familiar names 

I didn’t get one single phone call done today as I was asked to “proofread” an essay Icky had written for his Uni degree. In this case, proofreading is actually rewriting absolute gibberish in a lot of cases. He swears he is not dyslexic, as does dear MIL (monster-in-law) so it must be true :eyeroll: - however when “arcutick” is used in place of architect, one has to wonder if he is just not terribly bright instead. His grammar and punctuation is nonexistent. In a lot of cases he infers things, but doesn’t follow up and explain what this means in the slightest, and I often have to explain that he hasn’t answered the actual question being put to him at all. 

What winds me up is that when he first began, he asked me to proofread and got REALLY angry and shouty because I pointed these things out, and tried to change the wording to meet what he was trying to say... and was told to JUST PROOFREAD, check spelling and grammar and be done. He threw 12 essays at me and gave me 24 hours to look at them, heavily pregnant, very ill and with an autistic 8 year old and a court case in full swing. Then picked me apart when I tried to make it legible. I told him where to shove it and he asked his brother to proofread. He did that, and the marks showed the lack of effort in answering the questions...

Now for the last few months, suddenly my way is just right and his brother “doesn’t do it as well as you”... 

By the time this degree is awarded it will be half mine! 

Anyway, there is always tomorrow for my own bits. I’ll get there. The Archangel has just had a feed. One of many before bedtime in his clusterfeed-filled evening routine. Smells like a nappy change is in order too. 

5,024 steps so far today... in the house only. It’s been shocking weather here, but the sun has just peeked out! We may go for a walk, blow off the lack of thanks from Icky, who replied when I told him the much boosted word count... “All done?” - nothing since I emailed. He won’t read it, much less check it against the original! Oh well, I did MY best. 

Off I go... this is definitely a changing table job, and not an on the knee one. Got myself a poo lollipop for my troubles when checking his nappy the other day. The first of many I’m sure

TTFN x

liltdiddylilt

Today had a not too helpful conversation with housing. The long and short of it being, rent privately. Like I haven’t tried that and been told I can’t 

An absolute plus was a visit from a friend from my soul home in the town I lived in for 12 years until I came here. I wish I had never left, but these things are sent to teach us, and Jellytot is truly happy here!

It was so lovely to see her. A friendly face is always a pick me up! We had too much coffee, a McDonald’s (sorry, not sorry) and put the world to rights! 

I think for now I have to suck up a lot of things and try and make the best of a bad situation. Positive Mental Attitude. 

Today I forgot to take my fitbit off charge, but we’ve not been anywhere anyway! 

I need to pop to the shop, which I shall do shortly. No Spend Days seem to be a thing of the past. Must join the next challenge and do BETTER. But for now I will accept that I have already spent today and try to plan properly so that I don’t have to spend for the rest of the week. 

Tomorrow I have a 2pm therapy session with my EMDR counsellor. I shall be working on a more recent, bad memory, that underpins much of my fractious relationship with the in laws (outlaws really) and especially the monster in law. My counsellor says that my brain fascinates her as it is so open and ready to heal. Other clients can take 2 & 3 sessions to smash out one bad memory and get it filed back on the shelf in their brain... mine meanwhile fly out of the internal bin (where they’re always ready to pop up and bite me and cause anxiety to flare) and rush to get back on the shelf in one session. Indeed I worked on a particular memory of Jellytot’s dad and put back an entire shelf of issues in one session. He no longer holds the fear and anxiety that he did and this lessens his control of me. I sincerely hope to continue to smash through my past, both recent and very old, and get back to a whole me. 

Jellytot’s DLA came in today. Have transferred some over to keep me in the black in my main account as a lot of costs regarding her have come out, but also transferred some to her own savings. They’re creeping towards £2,000 now! 

The Archangel is getting back to his proper sleep routine again finally. Immunisations, the 13 week growth spurt AND a leap, all in one week last week! It took some energy, that did!