Resolved

Owleyes00

Thank you.

Savvy_Sue

To be honest, if you can't be honest with each other about how you are feeling, then your relationship may not have much future. 

He feels you're too frugal. You feel he's not frugal enough. If you both want the same things, you need to agree how to get them. 

Maybe he feels he'd be happy to keep renting for a few more years and enjoy life more now. 

You could ask if you did upset him, apologise and ask how you can work this out together ... or you can keep wondering!

74jax

Wow @Savvy_Sue, you're good 😂
You resolved a relationship in 15 Minutes. 😉

Sandtree

Owleyes00 said:

Hi.

I have just been very candid with my partner of 5 1/2 years about how our different contributions to the household finances makes me feel. I think I might have upset him and I’m worried I’ve been too harsh?

Bit of background:
-been together 5 1/2 years and living together for almost 3 (we rent but are in the process of buying somewhere together). We are both late 20s.
-my partner is studying for a PHD and brings in a small stipend and works ad hoc hours in a part time job and brings in around £10k/year. I earn £45k/year.
-he spends a lot more than me on treats (alcohol, cigarettes, take aways) whereas I buy myself hardly anything as I have been putting as much money as possible into our money to move £800-£1000/month. I cover all the rent and bills, he pays for food.
-I told him today that I am starting to feel resentful that although I earn the money I don’t feel as I am able to spend any of it because we need to save and although he brings in less than me, he makes no effort to save any of it. I said that I know I signed up to be the main earner when we moved in together as I knew he would be studying but was finding it hard as in the last three years a lot of my friends have moved on and are in relationships where there partners earn comparable salaries. This has led me to feel stuck like the poor friend as we have very little spending money and are effectively living as though we both earn low salaries. I said I don’t feel like I have been able to enjoy earning reasonable money because of how little he brings in.

I don’t know why I said all this really apart from I was getting annoyed that he was complaining about how frugal I have been saving for the house and I felt like he didn’t have the right to comment. I don’t expect him to do anything about it, he has another year of his PHD.

Was I too mean? Should I have kept it to myself?

You say he is buying loads of takeaways... are you not eating them together?

Putting away £1,000 a month is great but isn't very compatible with your comment that you feel poor compared to your friends... do you know how much they are saving each month? Its a lot easier to appear well off if you're spending every penny you earn (as too many do).

Savvy_Sue is absolutely correct about the need to be able to talk to each other, and you need to agree a mutual plan. Maybe he needs to cut back a little and maybe you need to spend a little more seeing as its from several angles that you are feeling under treated.

MovingForwards

Save less each month, delay plans, go out with friends as you now have the money. As you're the main breadwinner I don't see why you can't make the decision and speak with your OH. He won't be studying for ever and then there's plenty of time afterwards to do the same as everyone else is.